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28 Frankie Boyle Tweets That Will Make You Shit Yourself Laughing

"You say Snapchat, I say speedwank."

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1. On the Olympics:

I don't see why the last day of the Olympics shouldn't be all the gold medalists playing dodgeball till we have an ultimate champion

2. On fatherhood:

Fathers, remember that you don't have to be the perfect example to your children. You can also function as a sort of hideous warning.

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3. On motherhood:

Happy Mother's Day, and I hope that a card and a box of Milk Tray seems like a fair exchange for the structural integrity of your vagina

4. On the 2017 British election result:

All the average British punter wants is to be paid less than £10 an hour and be incinerated in a nuclear holocaust, and good luck to em

5. On British tabloids:

I'm reading a defence of free speech in a paper that tried to have me arrested and charged with obscenity for making a joke about the Queen

6. On Liverpool:

I've been to Liverpool, and never walking alone is actually pretty good advice

7. On James Arthur's beef with One Direction:

To be fair to James Arthur, he only has a problem with 1D because they remind him of his GCSE results

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8. On Youtubers:

Kids' idols today are all Youtubers.In 30 years time they'll be mourning the death of someone who talked about having a really nice sandwich

9. On Brexit (I):

Amusing to watch a nation that defines itself with the phrase Keep Calm And Carry On having a complete gibbering meltdown

10. On Brexit (II):

Still, at least we have put a stop to economic migration, by making the pound worthless

11. On UKIP:

Glad UKIP are in debates instead of Greens. We no longer need a party trying to save the world, we need one to make us glad that it's ending

12. On Cheryl Cole getting her butt tattooed with roses:

Hi @CherylCole, I've tattooed my cock to look like a bee

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13. On nuclear war:

Terrible to think a Trident missile could malfunction and incinerate millions of the wrong civilians

14. On Boris Johnson being named foreign secretary:

And as Boris takes control, we finally understand that they wanted to control our borders so they could stop us from fleeing

16. On Piers Morgan:

Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post. Presumably with the message "From one cunt to another"

17. On Donald Trump (I):

Oh man, how did Trump get here? He just seems like a low rent villain in a Disney movie trying to build a hotel on a kids' skatepark.

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18. On Donald Trump (II):

Don't worry about Trump. With air pollution and climate change in 50 years we'll all be dementia sufferers fighting off 100ft tidal waves.

19. On BBC subtitling:

20. On internet trolls:

Anyone can troll on Twitter, but hats off to people who do it on Facebook where everyone can see they've got ugly kids and a shit kitchen.

21. On his sheer popularity:

22. On religion:

One day religions will forget about their differences and focus on the things that unite them, like their hatred of women and homosexuals.

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23. On Snapchat:

24. On the apocalyptic tendencies of 2017:

2017 won't be all bad. For a few people living just the right distance from nuclear strikes, the radiation will cure their cancer.

25. On hating your job:

Sometimes you're out the door and halfway to work before you realise that you've totally forgotten to kill yourself

26. On the festive season:

It's this time of year when I think about people who are estranged from their families, the lucky bastards.

27. On the 2008 financial crash:

Some attack benefits & immigration but I think it's worth remembering IT WAS THE BANKS. THEY TOOK ALL THE MONEY. IT WAS ON THE FUCKING NEWS.

28. On Twitter:

I’m a big fan of twitter. It means I no longer have to go for a walk if I want a stranger to call me a cunt.

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