1. On the Olympics:
I don't see why the last day of the Olympics shouldn't be all the gold medalists playing dodgeball till we have an ultimate champion
2. On fatherhood:
Fathers, remember that you don't have to be the perfect example to your children. You can also function as a sort of hideous warning.
3. On motherhood:
Happy Mother's Day, and I hope that a card and a box of Milk Tray seems like a fair exchange for the structural integrity of your vagina
4. On the 2017 British election result:
All the average British punter wants is to be paid less than £10 an hour and be incinerated in a nuclear holocaust, and good luck to em
5. On British tabloids:
I'm reading a defence of free speech in a paper that tried to have me arrested and charged with obscenity for making a joke about the Queen
6. On Liverpool:
I've been to Liverpool, and never walking alone is actually pretty good advice
7. On James Arthur's beef with One Direction:
To be fair to James Arthur, he only has a problem with 1D because they remind him of his GCSE results
8. On Youtubers:
Kids' idols today are all Youtubers.In 30 years time they'll be mourning the death of someone who talked about having a really nice sandwich
9. On Brexit (I):
Amusing to watch a nation that defines itself with the phrase Keep Calm And Carry On having a complete gibbering meltdown
10. On Brexit (II):
Still, at least we have put a stop to economic migration, by making the pound worthless
11. On UKIP:
Glad UKIP are in debates instead of Greens. We no longer need a party trying to save the world, we need one to make us glad that it's ending
12. On Cheryl Cole getting her butt tattooed with roses:
Hi @CherylCole, I've tattooed my cock to look like a bee
13. On nuclear war:
Terrible to think a Trident missile could malfunction and incinerate millions of the wrong civilians
14. On Boris Johnson being named foreign secretary:
And as Boris takes control, we finally understand that they wanted to control our borders so they could stop us from fleeing
15. On Barack Obama:
16. On Piers Morgan:
Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post. Presumably with the message "From one cunt to another"
17. On Donald Trump (I):
Oh man, how did Trump get here? He just seems like a low rent villain in a Disney movie trying to build a hotel on a kids' skatepark.
18. On Donald Trump (II):
Don't worry about Trump. With air pollution and climate change in 50 years we'll all be dementia sufferers fighting off 100ft tidal waves.
19. On BBC subtitling:
Laziest subtitles ever
20. On internet trolls:
Anyone can troll on Twitter, but hats off to people who do it on Facebook where everyone can see they've got ugly kids and a shit kitchen.
21. On his sheer popularity:
Feeling the love on Facebook
22. On religion:
One day religions will forget about their differences and focus on the things that unite them, like their hatred of women and homosexuals.
23. On Snapchat:
You say snapchat, I say speedwank
24. On the apocalyptic tendencies of 2017:
2017 won't be all bad. For a few people living just the right distance from nuclear strikes, the radiation will cure their cancer.
25. On hating your job:
Sometimes you're out the door and halfway to work before you realise that you've totally forgotten to kill yourself
26. On the festive season:
It's this time of year when I think about people who are estranged from their families, the lucky bastards.
27. On the 2008 financial crash:
Some attack benefits & immigration but I think it's worth remembering IT WAS THE BANKS. THEY TOOK ALL THE MONEY. IT WAS ON THE FUCKING NEWS.
28. On Twitter:
I’m a big fan of twitter. It means I no longer have to go for a walk if I want a stranger to call me a cunt.