43 Situations That Would Definitely Be Improved By A Bacon Sandwich
There's nothing that can't be fixed with bacon.
1. The moment just after you've looked down and noticed a small but visible hole in a jumper you wear a lot because your crush once said you looked nice in it.
2. As you leave a third voicemail to your landlord about the ever-growing family of mice that have decided to call your flat home.
3. When you open Facebook and see that someone has uploaded photo of you from a party where thought you were looking kinda sexy, but, it turns out, you really weren't.
4. The moment you suddenly realise that Mean Girls came out 11 years ago, and what have you even done with your life in that time?
5. At a comedy club's open mic night, while listening to an amateur comedian attempt to banter with a member of the audience who is just sitting there quietly with a grim expression.
6. Arriving at a party two hours after its official start time so as to avoid awkward chat with the host, but finding that you are actually the first person there.
7. When you realise that you've killed the tenth basil plant you bought in Sainsbury's, after vowing to keep this one alive.
8. While pretending to be interested in art, because you are at a museum where you thought it would be nice to bring some children you're looking after for the day, but really you don't give a shit about Monet, and obviously a nine-year-old and a seven-year-old don't give a shit about it either, so you're all just standing there with tired feet feeling miserable together.
9. 150 words into an essay, when you realise you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, and still have 10 pages to fill with bullshit.
10. When you're in the middle of complaining about someone who has just turned the corner and appeared in front of you.
11. When an actor who you quite like tweets something slightly sexist, deletes it, then tweets that some people "can't take a joke".
12. Election season.
13. The moment you realise that your phone's battery life just isn't what it used to be.
14. When the news comes on and there's a story about global warming and how we're all doomed and even if we find someone to love and have children with someday, those children are only going to drown in biblical floods and curse your generation for its carelessness.
15. Exactly 45 seconds after sex.
16. When you were about to have sex with your partner, and things were kicking off, but then you both got a bit tired and decided to stop and eat bacon sandwiches together instead.
17. When you run into an old flame in the shops, and they've started telling you about the healing powers of crystals and you just have to stand and smile and nod for a bit because it's not even worth trying.
18. Waiting for a train.
19. Waiting for a plane.
20. Waiting for a ferry.
21. Waiting for a miracle.
22. When you've accidentally been watching "Millionaire Matchmaker" for two hours because you can't be arsed to change the channel.
23. After spending 20 minutes chasing, restraining, and de-flea-ing your cat.
24. Standing at a party where you know nobody because your friend already left to get with someone, and people are glancing at you and wondering who you are.
25. When you turn on the TV and see someone who was a dick to you in school being interviewed about their career.
26. Sitting in the back row of the wedding of your friend who you have secretly loved since age 9.
27. When the person who married the person you have secretly loved since age 9 stands up to give a speech about how much they love the person you have secretly loved since age 9, and everyone is crying, but you're just sat there with your bacon sandwich.
28. Your own wedding, while your partner says their vows and it's a bit awkward.
29. Signing divorce papers.
30. While visiting your slightly evil grandmother, who is busy complaining to you about how the character of her neighbourhood "has changed so much over the years", when what she really means is that she's racist.
31. When you finally got up the courage to go on a blind date, and it's going quite well, but then they say the words: "Don't even get me started on evolution."
32. When you finally got up the courage to go on a blind date, and it's going quite well, but then they start vaping unashamedly.
33. When you describe an argument with your boss to your partner, and they take your boss's side instead of yours.
34. When it's Monday and you're already feeling sour and then a coworker says "Mondays, ugh!" and laughs in a way that makes your heart palpitate with rage.
35. When you're the captain of a Spanish Armada ship and things have just taken a turn for the worse in the Battle of Gravelines.
36. When you're sitting in the chair at the hairdressers and things have gone a bit mullet-y.
37. While you're walking to work one morning without a coat because it looked warm from your window but actually is shitting cold outside.
38. When you're sitting at your desk watching a coworky laugh loudly at your boss's joke that wasn't actually funny.
39. When that same colleague is next to you wearing headphones and muttering bits of Disney songs under their breath.
41. Being British.
42. When you're sitting in a cafe waiting for the bacon sandwich you just ordered.
43. Every hangover. Obviously.