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    Updated on Sep 1, 2020. Posted on Oct 4, 2016

    All 47 Vice Presidents, Ranked By Hotness

    The United States has had a lot of vice presidents but not all of them were hot.

    47. John Calhoun, who had a fluffy neck.

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    John Calhoun was the seventh vice president of the United States of America. He had angry hair, a murdery face, and a fluffy neck. He was the least hot vice president in all of American history.

    46. Dick Cheney, who looks like a mischievous uncooked sausage.

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    An uncooked sausage that's up to something.

    45. Henry Wilson, who didn't care for eyebrows.

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    In 1873, someone politely suggested to Henry Wilson that he should have eyebrows. He made this face at them. They didn't bring it up again.

    44. George Clinton, who cared too much for eyebrows.

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    George Clinton's hair did a weird thing where it tufted up in the middle and looked like two waves breaking against each other on a stormy sea, which sounds romantic but isn't a good look.

    43. Chester A. Arthur, whose face just had a lot going on.

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    Butt chin, fuzzy muttonchops, sticky hair, walrus moustache, and a look that says "I'm about to correct the grammar of your casual joke."

    42. Adlai Stevenson, who was alarming.

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    Calm down, Adlai!

    41. Daniel D. Tompkins, who was sad.

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    Daniel D. Tompkins wasn't the ugliest of vice presidents, but he had a sad look about him, like a balloon beginning to deflate after a child's birthday party. He might have been loved, once, briefly.

    40. Martin Van Buren, the friendliest goblin.

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    His muttonchops were the pointiest in all of Goblinland, and of that fact he was proud.

    39. Thomas R. Marshall, who only wanted love.

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    Woodrow Wilson's VP looked like a professor you thought you had a crush on once, before you realised you just felt sorry for him. You saw him reading in a park on a sunny Saturday afternoon once, and realised he must be completely alone.

    38. Hannibal Hamlin aka Old Man Neck-Spikes.

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    You'd agree to go on a date with Hannibal Hamlin because in his Tinder profile pic he was wearing a scarf and you couldn't see his neck spikes.

    37. John Tyler, who was melting.

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    John Tyler succeeded William Henry Harrison in 1841, who was president for about ten minutes before dying of pneumonia. Maybe that is why John Tyler looked like this. Maybe he feared the cold. Maybe he kept his office so hot that it melted his face a little.

    36. John Adams, who just wasn't hot.

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    Sorry but John Adams wasn't hot. Sorry!

    35. George M. Dallas, who knew how to please a woman, but didn't look great doing it.

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    George M. Dallas wasn't hot but also kind of looks like he knew what he was doing?

    34. Theodore Roosevelt, who was always going on about his big stick.

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    If Teddy Roosevelt had a smartphone he would send you dick pics while you're at work.

    33. Andrew Johnson, who you'd settle for.

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    The thing is, you would go home with Andrew Johnson, Abraham Lincoln's VP, at the end of the night and it would be OK, even though the person you REALLY wanted to get with was Lincoln (obviously), but then you saw Lincoln snogging your friend Charlotte in the club EVEN THOUGH CHARLOTTE KNEW YOU HAD A CRUSH ON LINCOLN, and you didn't wanna go home alone cause then you'd have shaved your legs for nothing.

    He'd bring you a piece of toast in the morning with too much butter on it. You'd forget about him within a week, but wouldn't trust Charlotte again for a long while.

    32. Harry S. Truman, who looked like an aged art bro.

    Mpi / Getty Images

    Like a bro who looked like a nerd but went to art school and did graphic design and wore culottes. "Check out my graphic design," he'd say.

    31. Garrett Hobart, a thumb that sprouted an impressive moustache.

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    Garrett Hobart could be pretty good in the sack tbf, but you'd pretend he didn't have a Facebook when your friends asked to see a picture.

    30. Hubert H. Humphrey, who had a tiny, angry face.

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    Hubert H. Humphrey was probably a cute baby, but it was all downhill from there.

    29. John C. Breckinridge and his cold, dead eyes.

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    Something about John C. Breckinridge was just a little bit...off. Maybe it was the way he always seemed to be gazing into another dimension. Maybe it was the way he woke up in the night screaming for the ghosts to leave him alone, damnit. Maybe it was the thing he was hiding in his coat.

    28. Charles Gates Dawes, who was mostly hands.

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    Handsy Dawes, they called him.

    27. James Sherman, who'd ask you to be punctual for your Tinder date.

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    James Sherman looks like the kind of man who would fold and put away each item of clothing as he removed it before having sex. "Mustn't wrinkle that shirt!" he'd say, before climbing on top of you. He would keep his tiny little glasses on the entire time.

    26. Levi Morton, who had a twinkle in his eye and somewhat enjoyed life.

    en.wikipedia.org / Creative Commons

    If you focus on the eye-twinkle, you can distract yourself from the muttonchops, if only for a moment.

    25. Charles Fairbanks, who looks like he might have been tall.

    Library Of Congress / en.wikipedia.org / Creative Commons

    You'd hook up with Charles Fairbanks if you met him in a dark hipstery bar and you were still trying to get over the Charlotte/Lincoln drama. You just would.

    24. Walter Mondale, who was exactly average.

    Dennis Oulds / Getty Images

    In the vast spectrum of vice presidential hotness, Walter Mondale marks the exact midway point. He sits happily between those more hot and less hot than he, with a smile that says, "I'm a long way from being as butters as John Fucking Calhoun."

    23. Thomas Andrew Hendricks, who looked like a sadder, weaker Colin Firth.

    Hulton Archive / Getty Images

    You'd wake up in the night and hear Thomas Andrew Hendricks crying in the ensuite. Oh, Thomas Andrew Hendricks. Your poor thing. Don't be sad, you're not totally bad looking.

    22. William Wheeler, who was exceedingly comfortable.

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    William Wheeler's moderate attractiveness stemmed mostly from his relaxed outlook on life. "It's not so bad," he'd say to President Hayes whenever he was fretting about the Great Railroad Strike of 1877. "Just have a seat in this lovely, comfortable chair. Ahh, yes. Lovely."

    21. Calvin Coolidge, who had permanent bedroom eyes.

    General Photographic Agency / Getty Images

    Calvin Coolidge would go down on you every time.

    20. Gerald Ford, who'd hold you close.

    Afp / AFP / Getty Images

    Gerald Ford would never let you go. "Let me go, Gerald!", you'd say, giggling. "No," he'd reply. "Not yet."

    19. Lyndon B. Johnson, who loved a confident stance.

    Hulton Archive / Getty Images

    Lyndon Johnson would be a lot lower on this ranking if it weren't for that daring pose.

    18. Millard Fillmore aka 1800s Alec Baldwin.

    National Archive/Newsmakers

    Looking good, 1800s Alec.

    17. Charles Curtis, who had kind eyes.

    Library Of Congress / en.wikipedia.org / Creative Commons

    You could do a lot worse than Herbet Hoover's VP.

    16. Aaron Burr, who was a bit of a murderer but had a great profile.

    Mpi / Getty Images

    Sure, Aaron Burr was a bit duel-y, and that can get tiring. And it would take a brave man or woman to announce they were dating Alexander Hamilton's murderer in 2016. Still though, that wig. 👀

    15. Richard Mentor Johnson and his chocolate brown eyes.

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    He had definitely Mr. Darcy vibes. Grumpy, but caring.

    14. William Rufus de Vane King and his excellent bulging features.

    Hulton Archive / Getty Images

    He could be the William Rufus de Vane King of your heart.

    13. George H. W. Bush, weirdly.

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    It can't be explained but in this photo at least he's ranked 13/47.

    12. John Nance Garner, who had a wry smile.

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    John Nance Garner would catch your eye at a dinner party, give you this look, and make you wish the Johnsons would shut up about their daughter's oboe lessons and go home already.

    You can leave the dishes for tomorrow.

    11. Thomas Jefferson, who was a solid 7.

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    Thomas Jefferson wasn't a 6. Nor was he an 8. He was a 7.

    10. Alben Barkley, hot but problematic.

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    Alben Barkley looks like the kind of guy you'd hook up with at a frat party who's pretty hot but makes you cringle years later when you see him post a problematic joke about women on his Facebook page. You also see that nowadays he seems to be working at a start-up for an app that like, delivers you protein shakes? You don't get it. You quietly defriend him, reassuring yourself "at least he was hot".

    9. Spiro "Sexface" Agnew.

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    You would never be able to tell if you fancied Spiro Agnew because he made this sexface at you all the time, or because his name is cool and makes him sound like an edgy skater dude. It's probably a bit of both.

    8. Richard Nixon, when he was young, I swear to God.

    Fotosearch / Getty Images

    Young Richard Nixon could get it.

    7. Nelson Rockefeller, whose solid, strong jaw took no nonsense.

    Keystone / Getty Images

    If Nelson Rockefeller's son ever fell in with the wrong crowd, he would sit him down and tell him, "son, I didn't raise a son to be the kind of son who fell in with the wrong crowd," and his son would say "shut up, DAD, you're not the boss of me!" and Nelson would say "actually, I am! You're fired!" cause they're Rockefellers and his son was prob working for the family business.

    "You're such a good, strong father," you'd tell him later, staring at his jawline.

    6. Henry Agard Wallace, who loved to forage.

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    Henry Agard Wallace had some nice tomatoes ifyouknowwhaddimean.

    5. Joe Biden, I guess.

    Lee Celano / Getty Images

    FINE, Joe Biden goes here. Fine.

    4. Dan Quayle, who was a cutie patootie when he was young.

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    Dan Quayle famously didn't know how to spell "potato" but that can be forgiven cause he's just such a cutie patootie.

    3. Elbridge Gerry, who could gerrymander our hearts.

    Hulton Archive / Getty Images

    Elbridge Gerry may be famous for manipulating voting districts in order to kind of fix elections but also he's weirdly hot?? A strong nose and a well-fitted cravat that leaves nothing to the imagination.

    2. Schulyer Colfax, who would have been your soulmate if you lived in the same century.

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    Look. Schulyer Colfax was hot, and not just in a late-19th century kind of way. He had a full beard but he didn't overdo it. He had a warm smile and, we can only assume, a rockin' bod. Admit it: You would bone Schulyer Colfax, and it would be an excellent experience.

    "How was it?" your friends would ask you the next day. "I think....I think I'm finally over Lincoln," you'd say, smiling. The sun would break through the crowds and you'd finally forgive Charlotte for what she did. You're happy now. Nobody can take that away from you. Your phone buzzes: It's a text from Schulyer.

    "Had a great time last night," he says, and doesn't add a smiley face cause that would be creepy.

    "Me too," you'd reply. "Want to grab coffee?"

    1. But the hottest vice president of all, it cannot be disputed, was Al Gore, seen here looking fresh-faced and handsome and environmentally-friendly.

    en.wikipedia.org / Creative Commons

    Like Jeff Goldblum's less attractive but still very attractive older brother. Damn, Al. Just, damn.

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