1. Stars Hollow would be located in the Kent commuter belt, and be a bit shit.
2. It would never snow in Stars Hollow, Kent, but sometimes a bit of brown slush would gather on the pavement.
3. Instead of pretty fairy lights in the trees, the crappy town Christmas decorations would be up all year round because the council couldn’t be arsed to take them down.
4. Many dramatic scenes would take place at town bus stops.
5. Lorelai wouldn’t have to move into a shed at the back of a hotel with her baby, but would live in a small council flat, much to Emily's horror.
6. Emily and Richard would have a large house in Tunbridge Wells, and cover the cost of fees for Rory to attend Marlborough College. They would insist on referring to their town as Royal Tunbridge Wells.
7. Dinner at Emily and Richard’s house would always be an overcooked roast dinner that nobody really wanted to eat, with lots of sherry, port, and horrible fruit cake.
8. They would have a sour-faced housekeeper straight out of a Dickens novel called Mrs Braithwaite. She would be extremely expensive, but they’d retain her to keep up appearances.
9. Emily and Richard would have a portrait of Thatcher over the fireplace.
10. Lorelai and Rory would drink constant cups of PG Tips, instead of coffee.
11. Lorelai and Rory’s snack of choice would be Monster Munch.
12. They’d be obsessed with watching EastEnders, Corrie, and Neighbours. They would occasionally stay in on the weekends to catch the Hollyoaks omnibus.
13. To accompany their binge-watching they’d get takeaway all the time from Al’s Kebabs. They’d also eat at least one chicken tikka masala a week, and when they wanted to splash out, go for a Pizza Express.
14. Rory’s first kiss would be at age 14, in the park with the broken children’s climbing frame, after a few tinnies.
15. Rory would lose her virginity in the toilets of a club in Magaluf.
16. Lorelai would not be allowed to drive her banged-up Jeep because it would have failed its MOT. There would be a scene where Lorelai spends several hilarious minutes on the phone to the DVLA. She’d eventually give in and buy a Ford Focus.
17. Rory would study classics at King’s College, Cambridge. She’d be arrested for getting into a fight at Cindy’s during freshers' week, but it would all be sorted out because her grandfather went to school with the provost of the college.
18. Her friends would all be awful drinking-society types.
19. After Cambridge, Rory would attend City to study journalism, followed by an internship on the arts desk at the Telegraph. She would be sent to cover the Edinburgh Fringe, where she would be put in the uncomfortable position of reviewing Kirk’s latest avant-garde act.
20. Rory would write an article for The Guardian’s Comment is Free and end up having to delete her Twitter after publishing it. She would go on Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour to defend herself, and end up making things worse.
21. Luke would own a greasy spoon called Luke’s Caff that would do a cracking £4.99 fry-up popular with local builders.
22. Despite her incredibly posh accent, Lorelai would insist to anyone who would listen that she was really working-class.
23. Jess would be the kid who skipped school to play with his indie band in shitty Camden clubs.
24. In later life he would run a coffee-slash-bicycle shop in Dalston, and be extremely judgmental about fashion, especially men’s trousers.
25. Paris would study medicine, and become a leading voice during the junior doctors’ strike. She would constantly be invited to speak on Channel 4 News due to her ability to eviscerate other guests in debate.
26. The Dragonfly Inn would be a slightly awful B&B. The kind where breakfast is served between 5:30am and 7am, you get locked out if you dare stay out after curfew, and you're reminded of it years later when it appears on Channel 4’s Four in a Bed.
27. Lorelai would know there was a damp problem down the sides of the beds, but would ignore it.
28. The “head chef” of the B&B wouldn’t be Sookie St. James, but a woman called Sandra Perry who would cook exactly three dishes: wet shepherd’s pie, mince and onions, and beans on toast.
29. Stars Hollow's only pub would be a Wetherspoon's called The Old King's Nut. This is where most of the village people would interact.
30. Doose’s Market would be a Tesco Express. Dean would eventually get fired from his job after the introduction of self-checkout machines made him obsolete.
31. Dean would then spend his days sulking in The Old King's Nut drinking slightly flat, room-temperature ales.
32. There would be a lot more trifle at town events.
33. Only the old people would turn up to town meetings. They would mostly go for the free tea and biscuits.
34. A great town fight would break out about halving the number of bin collection days. The Stars Hollow Gazette would take a firm editorial stance against the council, calling its bin collection plan “a shambles”.
35. The town sign would constantly be getting graffitied by local youths.
36. Instead of a lovely bandstand, the focal point of the town square would be an old phone box covered in strip club ads and filled with needles.
37. Emily and Richard would vote Conservative, Rory would be a proud Lib Dem, and Lorelai would vote for the Monster Raving Loony Party every election, just for a laugh.
38. Paris would run for the local council. She’d eventually resign after getting fed up with people asking about their bins while she was on the bus.
39. Logan would be a minor royal, and get caught up in a racist costume scandal while at university.
40. Logan’s name would be Hugh.
41. Miss Patty’s studio would have a serious drug problem.
42. Stars Hollow would vote 75% in favour of leaving the EU.
43. In later life, Emily would move to Costa del Sol and take a younger lover.
44. Lane’s band, Hep Alien, would become very popular with BBC 6 Music listeners, and their careers would peak with a 2pm slot on one of the minor Glastonbury stages.
45. Eventually Lane would leave the band to go solo, and would win the heart of the nation drumming on Britain’s Got Talent. After placing third, she’d move to Peckham to work on her first concept album, and never return to Stars Hollow, Kent.
46. The first six series of Gilmore Girls would be on the BBC, and the seventh on Channel 4. The revival series would be available only online, on BBC 3. Each series would be four episodes long with a Christmas special.