The time has come for the people of Great Britain to take a long, hard look at the shadowy face of Ted Cruz.
Because while we've been distracted by the tangerine apocalypse of Donald Trump, this man (with his deeply unsettling face) has become the only person left who might be able to keep Trump from winning the Republican presidential nomination.
He's managed this EVEN THOUGH most establishment Republicans – and by "establishment" we mean basically every Republican in Washington – hate his guts.
And now, people are beginning to shout about whether he's "worse" than Trump.
Ted Cruz defeating Donald Trump is cholera triumphing over tuberculosis. He is just as bad. If not worse.
Basically, the US presidential election is so crazypants that the guy who wants to abolish the American equivalent of HMRC is only the SECOND-most controversial Republican candidate.
We laugh at Donald Trump's insane policy comments but Ted Cruz talks about ABOLISHING THE IRS every day and we're like, "lol whatever"
So who the fuck is Ted Cruz?
Ted Cruz was born Rafael Edward Cruz to an American mother and Cuban father in a lovely, mountainy, cheerful bit of Canada in 1970.
Here's Cruz at 18 describing what he wanted to do when he grew up: "Take over the world. World domination, rule everything. Rich, powerful, that sort of stuff."
View this video on YouTube
Same.
He then went to university at Princeton, where he shared a dorm room with his biggest fan, the screenwriter Craig Mazin.
Getting emails blaming me for not smothering Ted Cruz in his sleep in 1988. What kind of monster do you think I am? A really prescient one?
Ha ha, did we say fan? Mazin actually hates him more than anyone. As Mother Jones put it: "Ted Cruz's College Roommate Can't Stop Talking Smack About Him."
While at Princeton, Cruz gained a reputation for being "creepy", no doubt thanks in part to his "habit of donning a paisley bathrobe and walking to the opposite end of their dorm’s hallway where the female students lived", according to the Daily Beast.
Here's young Ted at Harvard Law celebrating Republican victories in the 1994 midterm elections, pictured here making every orifice in your body clench.
i would
In what seemed to be an emerging pattern in Ted Cruz's life, his classmates at Harvard apparently considered him a bit of a cock.
In 2000, he went to work for the presidential campaign of George W. Bush, who once said of Cruz, "I just don't like the guy."
Before his rise as outsider, Ted Cruz played inside role in 2000 recount https://t.co/LrkCmzL0uD via @mattfleg
That's a pretty sick burn coming from an ex-president, especially given that Cruz took part in the legal fight to win Bush the presidency in Florida.
A fellow Bush campaigner told Mother Jones that Cruz "would send memos on everything to everyone. He would come to meetings where he wasn't invited — and wasn't wanted...People wouldn't go to a meeting if they knew he would be there. It was his inability to be part of the team. That's exactly what he was: a big asshole.”
OK, so at this point you might be wondering, "How does a guy with so many enemies get so many votes?"
Ted Cruz also has some very strong beliefs adding to his appeal among conservative voters, which can be summarised quite simply.
As both a lawyer and lawmaker, Ted has spent a lot of his political career fighting against government efforts to regulate guns or establish a healthcare system.
But the thing Ted Cruz is probably best known for is repeatedly trying to shut down the entire government of the country.
Also you may have noticed that lots of people keeping on mentioning the fact that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac killer.
Interesting that Ted Cruz has yet to speak out and deny being the Zodiac Killer
The Zodiac was a notorious, never-caught serial killer in California in the late '60s and early '70s, who taunted the police with a series of puzzles and codes. At the time of the Zodiac's first murders, Ted Cruz (born 1970) was not even a little Canadian foetus.
Some people claim that this makes it impossible for Ted Cruz to be the Zodiac killer! But consider the following evidence:
* Ted Cruz has not denied being the Zodiac killer
* A time-travelling serial killer is even creepier than a normal serial killer
* Lots of people keep saying that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac killer
* Ted Cruz is the Zodiac killer
So far it seems fair to say that the jury is out on the issue of Ted Cruz being the Zodiac killer.
So what makes somebody a Cruz fan instead of a Trump fan? Basically, Cruz’s supporters consider themselves the proper, diehard small-government conservatives.
Here's a puppy, you've earned it.
The next Republican primary isn’t until 19 April in New York, where Trump is expected to do well. Trump is still in the lead, but in terms of their delegate counts (which actually decides the party’s nominee), Cruz is catching up:
With plenty of delegates still up for grabs in upcoming primaries, the nominee probably won't be decided until the Republican National Convention in July.
So that's what a Ted Cruz is, and why you should care.
