We asked teachers of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us about the funniest and most surprising things their students have ever said or done. The results were truly hysterical and all over the place. Here's what they shared:
1. "Students were asked the question, 'What would you do if you woke up and there was a dinosaur in your backyard?' A student answered, 'I would shit my pants and call the government.'"
—Eva H., Facebook
2. "Working as a preschool teacher, my favorite thing I've heard from a student was at lunchtime when a kiddo said, 'Ms. Maggie, please pass the fucking peas.' I don’t know where he heard that word — nor did he ever say it again — but I broke down laughing at the table. Hey, he did say 'Please.'"
3. "I am an early childhood educator, and one of my colleagues told me her funniest moment was when the kids asked her to guess what game they were playing at recess. After several unsuccessful guesses, they told her they were playing 'Jungle Queen and Electrician,' as if it was as obvious as hide-and-seek. I had a similar moment last week when I failed to guess 'Paw Patrol Velociraptor Dalmatian Chase Game.'"
4. "From a kindergarten student: 'My daddy gave my friend's mommy a special hug, and now I'm gonna have a baby brother or sister!'"
5. "My sister teaches third grade. During a Zoom class, one kid put his hand up, but instead of asking a question, he announced to the class, 'MY DOG IS GETTING HIS BALLS CUT OFF TODAY!' My sis gets major points for only losing it for a half a second, and then replying, 'Well, it sounds like you’ll need to be extra gentle with him for a few days.'"
6. "I am an EFL teacher. I taught a student the word 'loyal' and asked him what he was loyal to. He responded, 'I am loyal to chicken wings.'"
7. "We use GoGuardian on school computers for students to ask us questions during class. One day, I randomly got a message from one of my middle schoolers saying, 'Sometimes I like to put peanut butter in my shoes and walk around in them.' I looked up at the student, and he was staring straight ahead with a completely serious expression, not even acknowledging the message."
8. "I've been teaching elementary school music for 17 years, so I've seen a lot. The best was the day my classroom mysteriously smelled like artificial cinnamon — really strong cinnamon. I asked my students if they smelled it, too, and they were like, 'Yeah, what is that?' One kid raised his hand and said, 'That's me. I ran out of deodorant today, so I used these instead.' He proceeded to pull up his shirt sleeves to show us that he had tied those tree-shaped car air fresheners around his upper arms, in lieu of deodorant. I was impressed by the resourcefulness, but also like, 'Why, bud?' Needless to say, I went to the store and bought him some deodorant during my lunch break."
9. "I am a literacy interventionist and special education teacher. I had recently become pregnant with my first child and was sharing our exciting news with my fifth-grade students. They were all sweetly excited and happy for my husband and me. Then, out of the blue, one of the girls said, 'OMG, Mrs. Jimenez, does this mean that you lost your Virginia?'"
10. "I taught middle school health. I remember talking to my sixth-graders about almond milk for some reason. Then one of them said out loud, 'I didn't know almonds had titties!' The way he said it and his confused face were too funny."
11. "I had a child sitting at their desk who was really fidgety and uncomfortable looking. I asked if everything was alright, and they said, 'I have to fart so bad, I think I'm gonna get a migraine.' I gathered myself and asked if they needed to step into the hall for a second. The fart was the loudest I've ever heard, and it carried over into my class. I had to open all the windows!"
12. "I had my hair cut short, and a student asked if I was okay. Puzzled, I said I was. He then went on to say that women cut their hair if they’re having a mental breakdown, and if I needed someone to talk to, then I could talk to the class. Cheeky and concerned, all within one breath."
13. "I worked at a daycare throughout high school and college. I had a pre-k boy tell me he had the 'soup poops' and didn’t feel well."
—Hannah H., Facebook
14. "My third graders and I were reading a Jewish folktale together. We came to the word ‘rabbi,' and I asked if any of them knew what that was. They all sat silently, trying to figure out what it meant, when one student raised his hand and shouted out, 'I know what it is! A rabbi is a steak!' It took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about, but then it clicked and I had to explain that he was thinking of a ‘ribeye,' and that he shouldn’t pour steak sauce on a rabbi. I couldn’t stop giggling at that one."
15. "Me: 'Can you tell me what indigo is?' Sophomore student: 'Isn’t that a type of weed?' Me: 'No, that’s indica.'"
—Thomas P., Facebook
16. "I was teaching first-graders when one of the little girls came to me and asked, 'Can we call Mr. C?' (my husband). I asked why, and she turned to the class, who nodded her on, looked back at me, and replied, 'Because you need coffee really, really bad.' I called my husband on speakerphone, and the whole class told him I was grumpy and they needed him to bring me coffee. He did. They made my day. I taught that group for first and second grade. Best group EVER!"
—Beth C., Facebook
17. "When I was a toddler teacher, there were many funny moments, but the one that stands out to me involves potty training. The child was sitting on the toilet and noticed he had a penis. He said, 'I have a penis, but my dad has a big, big penis!' I tried not to laugh, and I couldn't look his father in the eye at pickup time."
18. "My favorite would have to be the 7-year-old kid who, after working on math, announced to the hallway, 'My brain...feels like a dead...goldfish.' I was so thankful for a mask to hide how hard I was laughing!"
19. "We were reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and a child wanted to draw Willy Wonka. He innocently mislabeled the drawing ‘Willy Wanker.'"
20. "I work with middle schoolers in special ed. My hair is prematurely gray, and I dye it. I hadn't gotten to my roots for a little while, and as I was leaning over a table working with one kid, he gave me this shocked and confused look and said, 'Ms. Bosio, your hair is getting OLD!' Another student asked me once how old I was. After a quick teachable moment about the social rules around asking people their age, I added, 'But you can ask me anything. I'm 39.' She shook her head sadly and said, 'Oh, so the best years of your life are over.' I just about fell out of my chair laughing."
21. "I work in a preschool, and one of our 2-year-olds was on a swearing rampage. I was trying to sing 'Old MacDonald' with him, and this is how he sang it: 'Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on that farm he had a FUCK!' I burst out laughing, even though I probably shouldn’t have."
22. "One year, while teaching kindergarten, we had a bathroom inside the classroom. As we were making a list of steps for using the bathroom appropriately, I tried to prompt students to say, 'Flush the toilet,' by asking what they do when they're done going. A little boy, with all the earnestness in the world, stood up and called out, 'You shake it!' Lucky for me, I had a whole room of observers that day for another student being evaluated for special ed services. Not a single one of us was able to keep it together."
23. "I showed the students a picture of me in Paris, and one of the students said, 'Your ass look like a freshly popped pimple.'"
24. "I teach preschool, and one time I was reading a book about animals in the zoo and the noises they make. It said that flamingos make a 'toot, toot' sound, and one little girl blurted out, completely seriously, 'Hey, sometimes I toot, too!'"
—Anonymous
25. "A small group of boys were playing in the tower connected to the slide on the playground, and I heard one of my little instigators yell, 'Whoever farts the loudest goes first!'"
26. "I was filling out some test paperwork for my fourth-grade students from the data their parents had sent me. One student's mother forgot to write his birthdate on the paper, so I asked him when his birthday was. He told me July 3. I asked what year. He looked at me confused and said, 'Every year!'"
—Beverly Aaron R., Facebook
27. "While I was teaching preschool, I asked a kid what he was drawing. He answered that he was drawing Jesus (his family's very Catholic). The little girl next to him, who is Jewish, asked who Jesus was. The boy answered that Jesus was a teacher. She thought for a second and asked, 'Does he teach mice?' The boy said, 'What?' They went back and forth like this for a minute, then finally the boy said, 'He teaches people.' The girl asked, 'Then why is his name Cheesus?' I could not stop laughing. I think about it every Christmas."
28. "I was coaching a group of 4 and 5-year-olds when one kid loudly and proudly announced, 'My mummy’s having a baby, and my daddy doesn’t know!' followed by silence in the gym."
—Teresa H., Facebook
29. "I taught at a private Christian daycare. We had an older lady who would come in once a week and do story time with my prekindergarten class. She was talking about how Jesus raised someone from the dead when a little boy shouted, 'Like a zombie?!' She did not think it was as funny as I did."
30. "I was playing vet with a 4-year-old at a daycare. The kid put the toy stethoscope to my stomach, frowned, and said, 'Ms. Abby, you have crabs.' My co-teacher and I laughed so hard, we started crying. A few weeks later, the same kid walked up to the new teacher and said, 'Wanna know what we don't say? FUCK!' and ran away."
31. "I teach middle school. One day, my coworker (a 50-something-year-old man) let two of our 'naughty' students share a Google doc for their work. Instead of actually doing the work, the students decided to use their work time to paste in pictures of erect horse penises. When the teacher looked at the doc, he saw no work, only a sea of horse cocks."
32. "I teach pre-k, and we were talking to the class about Thanksgiving and the pilgrims. I asked if anyone knew the name of the ship that the pilgrims sailed on, and one little girl said, 'Yes, it was the cauliflower!'"
—Anonymous
33. "I had a 7-year-old come in one morning and tell me their mom wet her pants laughing. Then followed up with, 'My mom says it’s because my little brother had a big head.'"
34. "My mom used to teach high school special ed. Some days, she would wear boots that came up to her mid-calf. Every time she wore them, one student always commented, 'Ms. Ross, you’re wearing stripper boots!'"
35. "When I taught preschool at a Christian church/school, I told my class that I was a mother to my baby daughter. One of my kids asked me, 'Did you get her from Walmart?'"
—Nadine M., Facebook
36. "A few years ago, I helped out in a two-year-old preschool classroom. One of the little boys had a difficult time with certain speech sounds, especially saying the 'tr' sound. One day, the children were playing on the floor with cars and trucks. He starts yelling, 'Where’s the dumb fuck? I want the dumb fuck!' I had no idea where he heard that from or why he would be cussing us out until I noticed where he was pointing and realized that he wanted the DUMP truck! 😂"
—Anonymous
37. Finally: "While teaching middle school years ago, we were reviewing vocabulary before a test on human anatomy, and my class was stumped by the term 'rectum.' One boy, who was regularly pretty off-task and disruptive, suddenly blurted out, 'Hey, isn't that where your eyeball is?' Before I could even start to respond, another student deadpanned, 'No, but that's where yours is, Kevin.' We all lost it, and poor Kevin just looked confused."
Teachers, what's the funniest thing one of your students has ever said or done? Tell us in the comments!
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.