Pretty Little Liars: "A" Look Back
When getting an "A" in high school was the last thing on anyone's mind.
Ah, high school, remember high school? That thing every 90s 'teen'-heartthrob did in their mid 20s. Ah, high school, (say crack again) where would 90% of guilty pleasures on the "CW" be set without you?
But all jokes aside, let's get real for a second (not as real as student debt, but like 'a convenient family emergency when an assignment is due tomorrow' real). High school is tough. Especially if you're a beautiful misunderstood 20-something dealing with; teen homework, hormonal crushes and the general "puberty-ing" essence that seems to invade the air of every hallway. Buuut when you throw in a sociopathic blackmailer/stalker/almost murderer... well that's just a tad inconvenient ... also, like #rude.
Enter, "Pretty Little Liars"
Set in the fictional town of Rosewood, "Pretty Little Liars" focuses on Aria, Emily, Spencer and Hannah (and occasionally Mona) as they come together again after their missing friend, Alison, turns up dead. Oh yeah.... spoiler? But, like not really? because she comes back "alive?" Oh yeah... spoiler. Also, spoiler, this article will have spoilers.
Anyhow, 7 years have passed since the pilot has aired and the show is now on its final season and the quartet (and Mona) have faced many obstacles through their 6 year high school journey. These obstacles ranged from; smeared lipstick, to murder, to missed tests, to blackmail, to affairs and a whole lotta death - and the very occasional class attending. So ya know, the usual teen angst.
Now, with that syllabus week intro out of the way, I invite you to kick-back and enjoy this whimsical retrospective at the beloved teen drama about four girls excessive use of their flip-phones...er I mean, about moments in the teen drama that made viewerslaugh, raise an eyebrow and take twitter by storm (by which I mean mostly character stuff).
1. From Henchmen to Head Honcho
Remember those "it" girls in high school that were lead to some HBIC and were always dressed well.
No?
Yeah, me neither ( It was probably because I went to a Canadian high school). Just watch "Mean Girls" (again) and it'll make sense.
Moving on, you see those "yes men" in the background, those are our beloved central protagonists! So for the sake of brevity, let us do what we all loved in school and every teacher insisted on doing on the first day of school
INTRODUCTIONS!
We'll go with the usual cliched rule of three.
Your name
-1.) Defining characteristic trope
-2.) Central plot points and of course an
-3.) Interesting fact about yourself.
So without further ado, let us introduce the girls who have been embroiled in the longest interactive game of Gossip Girl ever.
2. The "Forever in Plaid" Liar
Name: Spencer Hastings
# Defining Characteristic Troupe:The smart one
# Plot Points: Stealing her sister's (Melissa) paper, kissing her sister's boyfriend and then her fiance (separate men) and in later seasons dating her friend's (Hanna's) first love
# Interesting Fact: Clearly doesn't mind hand-me-downs #ShotsFired
- Oh yeah, spent sometime in an insane asylum after thinking her boyfriend, Toby, (who was unattached when they started dating #SpencerSuccess) was dead.
3. The "Blonds Have More Fun" Liar
Name: Hanna- sans the the last "H"- Marin
# Defining Characteristic Troupe: The new "it" girl, former fat girl
# Plot Points: Dealing with her mom sleeping with a cop to have charges dropped, kind of a former klepto, harboring a homeless boy who was spying on her... and later falling in love with him (aw, a truly lady and the tramp moment) #LOLJKS they break-up and she's now engaged to a Australian guy...oh wait, no she broke up with him cause a cafe closed.
# Interesting Fact: Hiding her mom's stolen bank deposit box money in a box of lasagna. But don't worry, the lady her mom stole the money from died of a heart-attack. So yeah.... remember kids, it's not stealing if you don't get caught! #PrettyLittleLessons
4. The "Regina George" Liar
Name: Alison "Ali" Dilaurentis
# Defining Characteristic Troupe: The HBIC, resident mean girl and notorious bully
# Plot Points: Being hit on the head with a rock and buried by her mom, not being really dead, coming back from the "dead," torturing everyone in high school, teaching Hanna how to be bulimic, marrying a psycho British man who tries to kill her and appearing in drug-induced hallucinations of her friends when she was supposedly dead
# Interesting Fact: Giving Hanna the nickname "heafty hanna" #YayFriendship...? Oh yeah, also being falsely accused of murdering someone - twice...
5. The "Plenty of Fish in the Pool" Liar
Name: Emily Fields
# Defining Characteristic Troupe: The sporty one
# Plot Points: Captain of the Rosewood High swim team, battling her sexuality, being outed by "A," deeply enamored by Alison, dating a girl who smoked weed, getting mixed signals from Alison (e.g. making out with Emily then being like 'no homo, bro') dating a girl who didn't smoke weed, dating a girl who tried to drown her in the pool, dating a girl who was married to man, dating a girl who worked at the coffee shop. Damn, more like Emily -Playing the Fields- erm I right? #GoEmily
# Interesting Fact: Stabbed the guy who murdered her first girlfriend #FatalityFields
6. The "Spent a Semester Abroad" Cultured Liar
Name:Aria Montgomery
# Defining Characteristic Troupe: The artsy one
# Plot Points: Hooking up with some rando guy in a bar after coming back from Finland, Finding out he was her English teacher (Mr. Ezra Fitz), still dating him, finding out her dad had an affair, breaking up with Ezra, getting back together with Ezra, finding out he was only using her to write a mystery book (oh, that old cliche), breaking up with Ezra, getting back together, breaking up again, dating her editor, cheating on her editor with Ezra, breaking up with her editor, getting back together with Ezra, deleting a call from Ezra's supposedly dead girlfriend who was kidnapped my revolutionaries and now finally being engaged to Ezra?
# Interesting Fact: Umm...she had like a pink stripe in her hair (that changed places and shades of pink each flashback) for a while...cause ya know #aesthetics #tumblr #artsyfartsy
7. Mona's Masquerade
Ah, Mona Vanderwaal. How do I begin to explain Mona Vanderwaal?
Dr. Sullivan (Mona's psychiatrist): Mona Vanderwaal is flawed
Aria: She has two f*cked up personalities and a silver nexus
Emily: I hear her lair is insured for $10, 000
Ezra Fitz: I hear she takes AP English classes...in Japan
Spencer: Her favourite movie is "Psycho"
Alison: One time I met Mona in the hallway and called her "loser Mona"
Hanna One time, she hit me with a car...it wasn't that awesome
Ah, yes, Mona Vanderwaal; former loser, Hanna's new BFF, co-it girl of Rosewood high, original "A" and unofficially apart of the liars gang.
Oh yeah, Mona was original A. She came with a decked out creepy serial killer barbie dream house/ Beautiful Mind lair. Like it legit looked she got Extreme Makeover torturer edition.
But the million dollar question is why? Why would former 'loser mona' decide to tortue four young girls? Well it certainly wasn't because Alison tortured her for years while the girls just idly stood back and watched. No, come now, don't be ridiculous...It's because she felt the girls were stealing Hanna from her. Umm...okay...
But the girls had a falling out after Alison disappeared and only really started to come together after the "A" messages began.
Also, she invited Hanna to her birthday party, then uninvited her, then ran her over with a car... I may not be an expert on teenage girl parties, but that kinda seems wrong? Also (and, again, this is just me) a tad morally suspect and a smidgen illegal. But what do I know? Watching two seasons of "How to Get Away with Murder," does not a detective make.
Anyways, after Mona was unmasked, she spent some time in a mental institution (because a hit and run doesn't count if the person is alive, right?) where she spoke like Yoda and sporadic fortune cookies statements. After her release she went back to school and then faked her own death, was tortured in some Silence of the Lambs hole by second A (more on that later) and now just goes where the plot takes her.
Aria (arms crossed) What's it to you?
Mona I know I like tortured you and threatened your well being but like that was sooo four seasons ago....also, call it curiosity
Aria You know what that did to the cat, right?
Mona You know what boinking your English teacher did to your cat and GPA, right?
I mean you run over Hanna ONE time, and it's all like "you can't sit with us." Ugh, girls.
P.S. she also went to college or something... But that's not important
P.P.S. she also like hit some girl over the head with a shovel (Bethany Young) and like essentially killed her because she thought it was Alison (yup, she's over the bullying) But like no worries cause the police never found out AND the girl was crazy bitch who killed Toby's mom. But yeah, minor details.
8. "Are you like blind or something?" Oh Wait...
It's all fun and games until someone looses and eye... or both.
"The Jenna Thing" was an incident where the girls (mostly Ali, aka the HBIC) pull a prank on the neighbour Toby, who Ali suspected to be peeping on them during their sleepover (he wasn't). The prank was simple enough, to light a stink bomb and throw it into his garage. But you know that old prank when your friend lies and says they a have a stink bomb when in actuality it is a firecracker...Yeah...
So, of course, a firecracker in an enclosed space goes batshit coco-puffs bananas crazy and blows up the garage... Exhibit A
So at this point the girls are like
"Well shit...They said not to play with matches, but why didn't they cover explosives!?"
The Rosewood public school system fails society once more
But uh-oh, things are about to go from bad to to worse (like farting in the middle of an awkward silence when your ex is introducing their new beau). Jenna Marshall (aka Toby's step-sister) was in the garage and was blinded by the incident! Dun- dun dun!
But wait, there's more, turns out Jenna was molesting Toby! (ew) But Alison, not wanting to take responsibility for the incident is all like hmmm no
Alison: I saw you and Jenna in there together... trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen! Also...the 'special step-siblings hug'
Toby: But I wasn't!
Alison: Take the blame or I'll tell everyone! Also...about the sex thing
Toby : You fugly bitch
Alison: DGAF.... *Walks away...*
So poor Toby is sent to reform school or was it to military school...wait was it juvie? Well, he's gone. But luckily there already has been a pre-concieved rivarly between Jenna and Alison. And because of Jenna's newly developed spidey senses, she knows the truth and is about to expose Alsion but deus ex machina is on Alsion's Side. The neighbourhood pervert club (like actually, it's a club with a name and everything) were filming random people and caught Jenna molesting Toby. So if Jenna said anything, Alison would release the tape. So...yeah...the teen sociopath and her accomplices were saved by hormonal teens...#SilverLiningFTW
Regardless, "the Jenna thing" became a dark secret between the girls. But don't worry, Alison made all the girls friendship bracelets afterwards. Soo yeah, no harm, no foul (sorry Jenna). Oh yeah, probably not important, but, Alison told her brother that "the Jenna thing" was Spencer's idea and she (Alison) tried to stop her. #FriendshipGoals
I guess the moral of the story is, and I can't believe I have to say this but,
DON'T LIGHT FIREWORKS IN PEOPLE'S GARAGES!!
also don't be friends with Alison.
Bonus: Actual Alison quote right before everything went to hell.
Alison: "It's a stink bomb for God sakes, we're not nuking the place!"
Hahah! Good one, Alison, living up to the show's namesake #PrettyLittleLiar
9. Well...That Escalated Quickly
Remember that time in high school, after swim practice, when you would find a an incriminating note in your locker threatening to expose your sexuality? Or when an stranger would send an anonymous text to your new bitchin' 2010 Nokia flip-phone mocking the fact that you're hooking up with your English teacher?
Ah, high school, you truly were a simpler time.... Well for blackmail anyways. The infamous "A's" threats may have been began as simple emails and text, but soon they escalated into stunts that would make Harry Houdini do a double take.
Here are a few of "A" threats
# Wizard of Oz themed threats in fortune cookies (lions and tigers and bitches, oh my!)
# Being drugged at the dentist office (Still prefer that over the dentist making small talk as they stab my mouth with a metal stick)
# Replacing Chinese food take-out with worms. (ew.)
# Changing the population of the town (okay, not really a threat but still scary right? I mean nothing is more frightening than a countdown - just ask your bank account)
# Taking out all the other letters but "A" in the breakfast cereal in the school's cafeteria
# Crashing a car into the side of Emily's house.
Emily: "Help! Someone help!
Rosewood PD: Relax, chicken little, it's not like the sky is falling down.
Emily: Right...it's just the side of my house....My bad...
10. "I Thought We Killed That Bitch Last Episode..."
In the words of William Shakespeare "Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die,"
HA! I'm totally kidding. The "die" part in died is just a suggestion in rosewood. Seriously thought, it can really start looking like The Walking Dead in Rosewood. But when one of your favourite characters walks back into Rosewood, it's kind of hard to complain.
Examples of (actually not) Dead and (not really) gone characters
Alison: being hit on the head with a shovel and buried alive
Mona: having vials of her blood being splayed across her own house then seeing her lifeless body in the trunk of second A
Ian Thomas (Resident perv and Melissa's former fiance): being pushed off the bell tower and hanging by its ropes.
Hanna: Thought she was hung by the bell tower, but it was only a doll...?
Jessica DiLaurentis: being hit on the head with a shovel and then having her long-lost twin sister suddenly make an appearance?
Dubbed the season of homecomings, I guess we'll wait and see who else rears their head.
11. Valley of the Dolls
Seriously, it's like the killer doll, Chucky's harem. The seemingly endless barrage of menacing porcelain dolls has always played a key factor in many of A's games. They range from just being creepy decoration to having instruction embedded inside of them that are activated via a pull-cord. They were even buried under the gauze of being an actual human being; which resulted the liars going to prison or something? They were in orange jumpsuits doing community service soo like I guess not? Like seriously, this is why adults cannot have dolls without being accused of being serial killers. It's because creepy stalkers ruin it for the everyone #rude
But, i'm sure these dolls were just a stand-in because the teen sociopaths were not old enough bare a child that could see dead people and burn down corn fields with their magical voodoo powers. Oh well, in due time i suppose.
12. Hanna's One Liners
Nothing cuts tension like a joke, and nothing makes a joke funnier than it's ill-timed delivery.
# The time she conferred with Emily
"Are you sure she's gay? She barely looked at me"
# When she spoke like a true millennial
"I can't go around without phone. That's like going around without a brain."
# When she confirmed that she did not care British version of The Office
"Is that Brit humor, cause it's not funny."
# When she unleashed her inner Nancy Drew
"God, I wish people were more specific with their clues."
# When she reassured Emily she had no problem with her sexuality
"I need to borrow Emily for girl talk. Not girl-on-girl talk. Just girl talk"
# And then again...
Emily: "I need to go the library and study. Studying here is like studying at the mall."
Hanna:" Is this a gay thing?"
Emily: "No...it's a brain thing...."
# Annnd one more time.
Aria: "We get it, we understand that you have a boyfriend. We've all had them"
Hanna: "Even Emily."
Emily: "Shut up, Hanna."
# That time she let everyone she did not care for blind Jenna
"Maybe we should push a table in front of her and see what happens.":
# When she shut down Mona's post-A sob fest
"You should be sharing a jail cell with someone calling you 'peach-pit' while you braid each other's back hair":
# And that time we realize where Hanna gets it from
Ashley Marin (Hanna's mom): "What's a pink drink, is it code for something gay?"