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1. A fleece blanket with sleeves that'll reward you for successfully avoiding humans and staying single all this time. No blanket hogs = no cold arms.
2. A Slytherin pom-pom beanie for letting you proudly display their obvious house. They're not snobby, they're selective. But they may hiss at you in parseltongue.
3. And! A Harry Potter insults handbook so you can tell your Draco of a coworker that they're the fourth Unforgivable Curse.
4. A cell phone stand that'll make it easier for you to text your friend all day with updates about how infuriatingly loud your cubicle mate breathes.
5. A pair of oversized sunglasses to give you a way to hide from public in plain sight, aka when you see someone from high school. RUN.
6. A set of prescription shot glasses so you'll have the medicine you so desperately need every time someone tries to even look your way at a party. It was a miracle you showed up at all...
7. A body pillow, because this'll give you something better than the real thing — you won't have to talk to it now or ever. AND you can call little spoon every night. Humans don't do that.
8. A doge coin purse to ensure you always have someone to join you in giving people the side eye when asked if the seat next to you is free.
9. An attachable wine cupholder to encourage you to down said vino in a relaxing bath after being *drained* from a long day of unnecessary interactions.
10. A handy notepad so you can upgrade your confrontation methods — being passive aggressive just isn't cutting it for you anymore. It's time to be direct — Steve from accounting CANNOT keep sneezing that loudly.
11. A heartwarming pin set, because this'll let you and your BFF bask in the true meaning of friendship — the ability to complain about everyone else in life. Who needs more than one friend, anyway?
12. An ingenious lunch cooler to help you finally protect their your lunch. If Clark "accidentally" takes your leftovers ONE MORE TIME there will be hell to pay. It's also very effective for dissuading people from asking you to join them in the cafeteria.
13. A friendly T-shirt that'll end unwelcome conversations before they even begin. You are about to be a much happier person.
14. A comforting coloring book so you can remind yourself that it could be a lot worse — they could be a T-Rex who's supposed to be extinct, but is instead working at a library where they can't reach anything anyway, due to tragically short arms.
15. A set of handcrafted bath bombs, because this'll help you release some ~steam~ after a long, long day of teaching your mom how to take a screenshot ("just press the two buttons — no — at the SAME TIME!"). Plus, some of the bath bombs will make your tub water dark enough to match your soul.
16. A pair of splurge-worthy Beats wireless earbuds to help you discreetly block out the sounds of frankly annoying conversations wherever you are — plus they boast nine hours of listening time, and feature secure-fit ear hooks for lightweight comfort (Airpods could never).
17. A heat-sensitive, color-changing mug with a powerful reminder that'll stop you from changing you name and fleeing the country before even finishing your first cup of coffee.
18. A jumbo stress relief toy so you can release your frustrations when everyone in the whole world seems to *succ*. Just squeeze and repeat.
19. A hospitable doormat, because this'll keep small talk to a minimum — the faster random people leave, the better.
20. A Tamagotchi On to finally give you the perfect excuse to stay in whenever invited to go out — "it's just hard to leave my pet home alone. They need me."
21. A pair of silicone ear plugs that'll a) drown out your "unbearably loud" roommate at night, and b) prevent any chance of your becoming any more tired/irritable than usual. The more well-rested the better.
22. An understanding oven mitt.
23. A relatable sweatshirt so you can let random people on the street know that you *will* pet their dogs without asking, and then *won't* make any human eye contact. Thank you, next.
24. A helpful sound button to put classmates in their place when they try to only do ONE powerpoint slide.
25. An insightful phone case to set the mood when you're going through unwelcome texts and judging.
You: "Take your 'good morning' before I've had my coffee ..."
Looking for more great Amazon finds? Check out some of our favorite cheap things to buy on Amazon, some of the weirdest things on Amazon you might actually want, or read through all the rest of our incredible Amazon product recommendations.
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