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1. A bottle of Mike's Hot Honey for a delicious distraction you can drizzle on everything from pizza to ice cream — it has no expiration date, unlike us!
2. A bug bite suction tool, because biting the dust is inevitable but mosquitoes biting your arm and creating itchy, unsightly bumps doesn't have to be.
3. A pack of cleaning tablets that'll wipe away years of grime in mere minutes — if only Bottle Bright could do that for our contaminated oceans, too! Would love to see it.
4. A tee to remind you that some things never die, like Lil Nas X's trollish anthem which has secured a spot on the Billboard Hot 100 for over four months.
5. A trusty white noise machine that will — lalalalalalalala I can't hear you, thoughts of mortality.
6. A pack of reusable, plastic-free straws, because if only we can save the turtles, we can save...ourselves. Right, gang?
7. An external battery that'll carry up to three full phone charges when you're running low on juice — you probably know where I'm headed with this one.
8. A produce-saving container, because everything is ephemeral but you'll never know it from these strawberries. They don't look a day over fabulous!
9. A mini game of Twister so you can contort your brain (and fingers) in such a way that you forget the nature of existence. Obsessed!
10. A toothpaste wringer, for when you'd much rather concentrate your efforts on getting that last bit of paste out of a tube than extracting the meaning of life.
11. A rechargeable coil lighter that'll create a flame that doesn't go out.
12. A book of New York Times crossword puzzles, so you can feel like you solved at least one complicated puzzle in lieu of life itself. Werk!
13. A brownie pan that'll add chewy edges to every bite...but will also take the edge off the human condition. Can you say "j'adore"?
14. A charcoal-based toothpaste that'll make your mouth look like a deep, dark void — only to reveal pearly whites underneath when you've rinsed.
15. An Instant Pot you can use to whip up delicious meals in a six-quart container so you don't have to pay mind to being six-feet under one day. We have to stan.
16. A pair of aerating wine glasses that'll breathe new life into your vino — decant your wine because yacan't stop the clock.
17. A hanger stacker to keep all your clutter out of sight and out of mind...much like... [motions to the crowd]
18. A terracota bear that can be placed in brown sugar to keep it fresh and soft. Ah, maybe something gold can stay!
19. A pair of grassy flip flops, because human civilization might very well crumble within our lifetimes — but you wouldn't believe how incredible these blades of grass feel between my toes.
20. A bike chain fidget toy to keep your hands busy — just don't let your mind wander to "fidget spinners," or you'll be reminded of a slow death.
21. And a drain millipede that'll clear up the passage ways for your running water. Unfortunately, it won't make the passage of time any less murky.
Looking for more great Amazon finds? Check out some of our favorite cheap things to buy on Amazon, some of the weirdest things on Amazon you might actually want, or read through all the rest of our incredible Amazon product recommendations.
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