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1. A jumbo remote because you’ll be damned if you spend another night fruitlessly digging through your couch cushions on the hunt for your tiny remote. In the *slightly* altered words of Zoolander, "What is this, a remote for ants?"
2. A washer-friendly sock organization system because at this point, you're basically running a home for orphaned socks.
3. A dish brush with a built-in sink rest because you are positively d o n e with fishing your brush out of murky, greasy water every time it falls in.
4. A pistachio pedestal designed to give the king of nuts the respect they deserve.
5. A produce-saving Rubbermaid container that'll extend the life of your fruits and veggies. Now, instead of throwing away your untouched spinach after just a few days, you can throw it out after a week!
6. An adjustable, three-blade blind duster capable of cleaning the grimiest blinds — we're talking top and bottom — in one fell swoop. No more poof of dust coming at you every time you crack them open.
7. A set of cocktail plates made to hold your charcuterie and champagne thanks to a notch you can slip your glass right into for hands-free holding. No more fumbling to eat, drink, and make convincing small talk.
8. A scratch-free scraping tool because the stickers on those TJ Maxx candles aren't going to remove themselves.
9. A set of Himalayan salt tequila glasses so you can pretend you're at a fancy Mexican resort while shooting your bottom-shelf spirit of choice.
10. A mini picnic table ready to welcome furry lil' guests. Let's be real: Most of us have nothing better to do than watch them feast on peanuts.
11. A three-in-one rechargeable lamp that can adjust to the needs of any room. Plus, since a single charge gives you 8 to 16 hours of use, you don't have to worry about unsightly cords.
12. A cellphone jail for those times when you just can't pry yourself away from Twitter even though it is ~directly~ responsible for your deteriorating mental health. Oh 2020, you're such a peach.
13. A hanger stacker because turns out, those suckers take up a whole lot of space and throwing them in the back of your closet isn't the best solution.
14. A dip clip designed to give your sauces the special treatment they deserve. Half the time I don't even want fries, it's just one of the only socially acceptable ways to gulp down honey mustard, you know?
15. A pack of energizing mints because you're now at an age where you simply cannot function without some sweet caffeine coursing through your veins.
16. A temperature-controlled smart mug ready to extend the life of your latte. Once paired with your smartphone, you can choose the exact degree you'd like your beverage (between 120 degrees F to 145 degrees F), so no more sippin' on lukewarm coffee at your midday meeting!
17. A "disgustingly effective" set of sticky-stake insect traps because you spent a small fortune on your pothos, monstera, and parlor palm and you're not going to let them go down without a fight.
18. A six-pack of mini skillets so you can make the most adorable individual desserts imaginable. Cast-iron cookies all around!
19. An "everything but the bagel" seasoning blend because what's better than adding a dash of sea salt, garlic, and onion to every meal? We'll wait...
20. A hooded neck pillow with two drawstrings so you can hide (or sleep) in plain sight.
21. A bourbon lip balm because your office is cool, but not to the extent that it's okay to drink bourbon at 10 a.m. on a Monday. Instead, just let it linger right under your nose all day.
22. A foldable cutting board that'll help you transfer chopped-up veggies to your pot or pan and save you from the torture that is having to sweep them up because your dog is decidedly not into carrots.
23. A multi-slotted battery organizer because at some point in the next few months, your fire alarm will start its chirp of death at 3 a.m. and you're not about to mess around in your junk drawer(s) again.
24. A recycled gift wrap set so your giftee can repurpose their birthday packaging. Each box comes with four pre-seeded gift wraps that once planted, will bloom into a garden of wildflowers.
25. A thumb page holder because holding down a paperback — especially one the size of, say, The Nix — can be seriously taxing.
26. A high-rise organizer so you can use every nook and cranny in your medicine cabinet and stop blindly throwing things in your under-sink cabinet. Turns out I have enough travel-size shampoos to Airbnb hop for the rest of the year, so I guess I should follow my own advice.
27. A bug bite suction tool because it's this or scratching at it until it bleeds and that is not the way, my friends.
28. A terra-cotta bear that, when presented with a bag of brown sugar, will bravely say "I volunteer as tribute!"
29. A sheet of stick-on sound dampeners because when you get up a midnight to grab some chips, your cat *will* think you're grabbing her a treat and you just can't bear to inflict such nightly disappointment.
30. A punching bag-shaped laundry hamper where you can take out all of your feelings about washing and folding. Go ahead, give it a roundhouse kick once it's full.
31. A shower curtain liner with pockets because if your razor falls in the tub one. more. time., you're gonna lose your mind.
32. A veggie and fruit to-go cup for those days when you're absolutely starving but also in a rush so you need to frantically eat in the car.
33. A pack of heavy-duty anti-vibration pads to stop the constant shaking of your washing machine from convincing you that you have tinnitus.
34. A handy "did you feed the dog?" sliding system because Sparky is a master manipulator and lives for second dinner.
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