27 Back-Breaking, Wheeze-Inducing, Life-Changing Hilarious Tweets By The Funniest People On Earth (Women)
"I was reading Silence of the Lambs on the plane & the lady next to me asked why I was flying. I said I was on book tour & she pointed to Silence of the Lambs & said 'ooh did you write that?' & I nodded & said 'yes, yes I did'" —@sarahroseetter
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Between Jonah Hill's texts, girl dinners, and Hollywood studio executives' plan to let writers go broke, things were a tad chaotic this week — and that was BEFORE the Screen Actors Guild called for a strike (which I hope you'll join me in supporting!).
SAG I HAVE SOME ADVICE: don’t get too “funny” with the signs. Something like “fair pay now” will do. You’ll feel crazy in a month trying to look for the one normal sign in a sea of signs that exclusively say “my pronouns are pay/me!”
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 13, 2023
But there's some good news: I rounded up 27 funny tweets by women for your enjoyment!
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
— Honey (@benegotherit) July 10, 2023
2.
one-on-one talk therapy will keep u in a dark place tbh group therapy is superior bc some 60 yr old man with 5 failed marriages will call u out on your bs & you’ll absolutely have to change your ways
— Savannah (@zoloftapartment) July 11, 2023
3.
Taylor Lautner is the only one doing celebrity right. Take the money from your giant franchise and enjoy your quiet and unproblematic life. Marry a nice person with the same name as you. Practice your backflips in obscurity until Taylor Swift asks to see you.
— Nicole Pomarico (@nicolepomarico) July 8, 2023
4.
2 for 2 pic.twitter.com/8vrFRihmsl
— emily(◕‿◕✿) (@emuhleepowurz) July 10, 2023
5.
Me: I’m tired of Barbie marketing
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) July 12, 2023
A man: I’m tired of Barbie marketing too
Me: First of all how dare you
6.
I was travelling in Italy and I didn’t have a ticket for my bus but this Italian family got me onto the bus for free and I sat beside the dad and we had to communicate via google translate and he passed me his phone and he had just typed “I was in London when Princess Diana died”
— niamh (@arealglitterbae) July 7, 2023
7.
Not bbc news saying they went to the bbc for comment about the presenter scandal and the bbc told the bbc no comment 😭😭😭😭
— Hayley✨ (@hayleysoen) July 8, 2023
8.
My 3yo: That vehicle has a crabber on the front.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 8, 2023
Me: What?
3yo: For crabbing stuff.
Me: oh you mean a grabber for grabbing stuff?
3yo (making claws with his hands): no, its called a crabber. Like the creature that lives in the sea. A crabber. It crabs things.
9.
Girl dinner pic.twitter.com/me1lzcPRvF
— Xu 徐 (@Hellotherexu) July 11, 2023
10.
my mom gets really anxious during movies because she wants all the characters to be safe and ok, so she likes to consult the film's wikipedia summary mid-viewing, at which point she announces her findings so no one else has to worry about what happens next
— Kaitlin Ruiz (@Kaitlin_M_Ruiz) July 7, 2023
11.
Jobs? You mean the slow version of get rich quick schemes? No thank you.
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) July 11, 2023
12.
My friend recently told me of a conversation we had years ago in which apparently he insulted my sweater and my response was “Well all of your clothes look like you got them for free after running a 5K.” He said he thinks about this all the time.
— Keara Sullivan (@superkeara) July 12, 2023
13.
i would just like to thank @taylorswift13 for not releasing “when emma falls in love” until now so that i didn’t have to hear mr. schue sing it about ms. pillsbury falling in love with john stamos on glee
— alexa! (@mchaleshndez) July 10, 2023
14.
HUGH GRANT JUST WHAT NOW?? pic.twitter.com/VHPN6Prvm5
— almond taylor-joy (@jesterbestie) July 11, 2023
15.
“So many women are abused by powerful men”
— Kate Willett (@katewillett) July 9, 2023
Wow ok, erasure of those of us who were abused by absolute losers
16.
So Jonah Hill is proof than some men will literally go to therapy instead of going to therapy
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) July 9, 2023
17.
earlier tn, uber driver clocked my whorey summer outfit and drove quietly until he finally was like "wait what is Public Records" and I explained it's like a bar and he was like ohhhhhhhhhhhhh girl I thought you were going to get some archival documents in THAT
— delia (@delia_cai) July 13, 2023
18.
Instead of warming up my leftover pasta in the microwave, I sautéed some onions, added more seasoning, and heated it up on the stove pic.twitter.com/RX163BgRgP
— Mel (@TheBaddestMitch) July 10, 2023
19.
nobody:
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) July 10, 2023
my brain: I transferred from Los Angeles your school has no gymnastics team this is a last resort
20.
Kind of cool how in Ryan Gosling’s Ken we have the positive version of a method actor becoming the joker. Every pr quote from him is incomprehensible. He went too method for Barbie and now his brain doesn’t work
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) July 10, 2023
21.
No you’re thinking of penises pic.twitter.com/Y6nH4tgwmR
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) July 11, 2023
22.
Thinking about her**
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) July 13, 2023
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**the elderly lady living on my husband's delivery route who, when vandals spray-painted blue lines 😒 over the Black Lives Matter sign in her yard, undauntedly left the sign up and stenciled beneath the graffiti, "TSK TSK. STUPID AND RUDE."
23.
when the waiter asks if u want to see the dessert menu: https://t.co/zGRF5WUSeP
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) July 13, 2023
24.
i was reading silence of the lambs on the plane & the lady next to me asked why i was flying to SF & i said i was on book tour & she pointed to the silence of the lambs & said “ooooh did you write that?” & i nodded & said “yes, yes i did”
— sarah rose etter (@sarahroseetter) July 13, 2023
25.
okay asshole…. He kept this hanging for years btw…. pic.twitter.com/2BFmJ96ncA
— chlobuchar (@me_im_chloe) July 10, 2023
26.
I put my husband fully in charge of dinner tonight so hopefully he chooses the one specific thing I want to eat and did not disclose to him
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 13, 2023
27.
one time i had to take a drug test for work and they called me and were like so you tested positive for amphetamine and cocaine and i was like oh its ok im prescribed adderall and they were like yea….but the cocaine….. anyways i did not get the job 🙏
— feral rat k-hole girl (@legallyisisane) July 12, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women last week:
I Cannot Stress Enough How Unbelievably Hilarious These 28 Tweets By Women Are
...or the funniest tweets by women in June!
I Cannot Overstate How Completely, Totally, Wildly Hilarious These 50 Tweets By Women Are