I Cannot Overstate How Completely, Totally, Wildly Hilarious These 50 Tweets By Women Are
"I went to the doctor yesterday. Because 'was attacked by geese' is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, 'Any more trouble with geese?'" —@elizmccracken
June is over already (how?!), and thanks to the Supreme Court, I can't say July is off to a great start. But you know what'll make it better? The 50 funniest tweets by women in June!
june was supposed to be Pride but it ended up being Prejudice 😭
— Annie Wu (all socials: @annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) June 30, 2023
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
— Sara K. Runnels (@omgskr) June 27, 2023
2.
when you all talk about having rizz, this is what i picture pic.twitter.com/vjWdo6GDbw
— erin chack (@ErinChack) June 16, 2023
3.
Americans: I use miles and pounds
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) June 29, 2023
Europeans: I use kilometres and kilograms
Canadians: [snorting a line of assorted measuring systems] I'm 5'3, I weigh 150lbs, horses weigh 1000kgs, my house is an hour away and I drive 80 km/h to get there, I need a cup of flour and 1L of milk
4.
a few christmases ago my dad gave me a deck of tarot cards that he used to bring out at dinner parties before I was born and told me that he had to stop using them because he “kept announcing that women were pregnant before they were ready to tell people”
— Grace Jarvis (@gracejarvisohno) June 28, 2023
5.
[opening day at fast food place]
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) June 27, 2023
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
6.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice pic.twitter.com/W5gALUpUcl
— jeeyonardo dicaprio 심지연 (@jeeyonshim) June 6, 2023
7.
guys when they’re with their buddies: i need a beer and cheesy fries if you take me to a “wine bar” with “microgreens” and “small plates” i will implode
— ‘ (@w0a0i0f) June 24, 2023
guys when they’re with their gf: baby, the tuna tataki is sooo good…!!! and what’s on top? watermelon radish? incredible .
8.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because "was attacked by geese" is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, "Any more trouble with geese?"
— Elizabeth McCracken (@elizmccracken) June 2, 2023
9.
I don't think it will be intentional, but I do believe that somehow one day Lea Michele will die by Barbra Streisand's hand.
— Rachel Shukert (@RachelShukert) June 12, 2023
10.
your body 30 min after eating beans pic.twitter.com/wZJYObDRqd
— limp brittzkit (@Brittymigs) June 28, 2023
11.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 15, 2021
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
12.
Gen Z: We love 2000s fashion.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 26, 2023
Ok, watch the first season of Its Always Sunny and let me know if that’s actually how you want to dress.
13.
I want the confidence of the guy who decided the eggplant was the most accurate representation of a penis.
— It’s 𝘿𝙖𝙣𝙖, actually (@HourLongSauce) June 13, 2023
14.
Yesterday, I spent about a good two hours cooking. I’m in there slicing, dicing, sautéing, and seasoning up a storm and babbbyyy when I tell you that shit was ass!!!! I’m going to go back to leaving feeding me up to the professionals.
— Tampax, FL (@Kyla_Lacey) June 19, 2023
15.
I’m in a weird second hand finds group on Facebook and this woman has the ACTUAL FALKOR FROM NEVER ENDING STORY IN HER GARAGE. pic.twitter.com/X0lk2pFmel
— Cara Lisette (@CaraLisette) June 13, 2023
16.
Look, if you’re doing a Y2K era show, you’re going to need to familiarize yourself with “going out tops.” For all types/genders. Y2K fashion was a disaster from the waist down, all the glamour was up top - and there was no such thing as natural fiber.
— Eliza Skinner #wgastrong (@elizaskinner) June 14, 2023
17.
diet coke may cause cancer? you mean the mysteriously sweet yet calorie-free, tar-black beverage with flavors not based in nature isn't...organic
— erin chack (@ErinChack) June 29, 2023
18.
As a Los Angeles babysitter I have seen children’s birthday parties that would make Bernie Sanders kill himself
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) June 14, 2023
19.
customer: I have a question about my account
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 13, 2023
teller: withdrawal?
customer: oh sorry, ah have a question about mah account
20.
It’s actually fine to go to a museum and leave after 30 minutes because you’ve walked by all the art. There’s no rules about that.
— Lizzie Logan (@lizzzzzielogan) June 29, 2023
21.
No call sheet just vibes. 75 A-list actors wandering the American frontier at 4am like Sims whose houses haven’t been built yet https://t.co/yhKQds13DZ
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) June 14, 2023
22.
My dad was interviewing someone for a job and their resume listed he/they pronouns, so my dad asked me which he should use. I explained some of the nuances but told him basically either will be fine.
— Cassie Pritchard (again) (@hecubian_devil) June 15, 2023
Two days later he barges into my room yelling “my he/they flaked on me!”
23.
i love that they were brainstorming what would scare crows the most and they landed on just a guy wearing jeans and a flannel
— chase (@_chase_____) June 28, 2023
24.
Thinking about the fratty guy at the Taylor swift concert who, upon walking into a men’s room full of women, went 🤙🤠🤙 “alright! Gender NEUTCH!”
— julia fiedler (@julia_fiedler5) June 14, 2023
25.
men who are shocked to learn women don’t look exactly the same with their make up off are going to have their minds blown when they learn the truth about mall santas
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) June 14, 2023
26.
If people actually transitioned to gain an advantage in high school extracurriculars (rather than, you know, because it's what's in their hearts), we would see WAY more cutthroat theater girls becoming boys to get better roles.
— Patricia Wallinga (@pwallinga) June 25, 2023
27.
in the club naming 5 things i can see 4 things i can feel 3 things i can hear 2 things i can smell and 1 thing i can taste
— samantha (@milkygoddess) June 11, 2023
28.
"They put porn on books now?!" like your mamas weren't buying titty fucking covers at B Dalton before you were even born. pic.twitter.com/y92zuAG5D7
— Cate Eland (@RomancingNope) June 27, 2023
29.
i haven't listened to a podcast in years but it's time pic.twitter.com/3ixq8ZjbpZ
— old man winter (@luxlazuli) June 29, 2023
30.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
— limp brittzkit (@Brittymigs) June 28, 2023
31.
Maybe if I had 18 holes my husband would prefer playing with me on the weekends instead
— Manders (@SunflowerGpsy) June 28, 2023
32.
the absolute terror of a random dude liking 17 of your Instagram posts in a row
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 22, 2023
33.
My grandmother refuses to share her location with the family even though LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT, because apparently we “don’t need to know her comings and goings like that”
— Grip Bayless (@talleyberrybaby) June 30, 2023
GIRL YOU ARE 73 AND YOU WORK AT THE CHURCH FAMILY LIFE CENTER DONT PISS ME OFF
34.
35.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, just wait, I can do worse
— eLeni ☀️ (@eleniZarro) June 25, 2023
36.
me (not handling things) to my friend (also not handling things): I think you handled it perfectly
— delia (@delia_cai) June 11, 2023
37.
I told my husband to wake me up at 5:30 and he actually did and oh boy is he in trouble.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 26, 2023
38.
There should be 20 minutes of every day where you can rub your eyes really hard without consequences
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) June 14, 2023
39.
When I got back from my run today, there was a Who Framed Roger Rabbit VHS resting outside my apartment. This is a tactic used by human traffickers to mark their next victim. I was spared this time but I just want to let the girlies know. pic.twitter.com/YnxXj5g0Pa
— c a i t l i n (@hello__caitlin) June 29, 2023
40.
being carsick is so funny. you’ll be in prime physical health & then you’ll make the mistake of glancing at your phone in the backseat of an Uber going barely 25 mph
— chase (@_chase_____) June 25, 2023
41.
you could be fighting for your life and then have to talk to your roommate in the kitchen
— mc nanda (@mcunanda) June 23, 2023
42.
lol when i was little parents were encouraged to give their kids code words for pickup so they knew it was ok to go w/ someone who wasn’t their parent. i asked my mom if i could have one & she turned to me & said “….are u really dumb enough to go with someone i didn’t tell u to”
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) June 23, 2023
43.
dentist: have you been flossing
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 23, 2023
me: why do you ask pic.twitter.com/gounJqbxqH
44.
once I was on a fancy dinner date having a cocktail with a little leaf in it. my date & I liked the drinks so much we ordered more. we then watched the bartender walk out to the sidewalk & pull leaves out of a grass patch growing near the road. then she brought us the new drinks.
— audrey (@saint_audrey) June 23, 2023
45.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
— erin chack (@ErinChack) June 2, 2023
kingpin: where's the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we've ever seen in a single body
46.
the concept of “dressing your age” is ridiculous. I’m gonna dress like an old witch who cursed her entire seaside town
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 21, 2023
47.
First picture ever of a newly hatched electrician still has part of the egg shell on its head pic.twitter.com/wg7gIxg3Vh
— Dr. Paulette Steeves (@PauletteSteeves) June 12, 2023
48.
Kids today don’t realize how hard it was for us when we were young. In 2010 a girl with bangs could appear and start playing a ukulele cover of Rihanna’s “Umbrella” at literally any time.
— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) June 30, 2023
49.
(walking up to don quixote) hi i’m a huge fan
— anna worm ✨🌸✨ @frogs4girls.bsky.social (@frogsforgirls) June 3, 2023
don quixote: *eyes narrowing* you’re a What?
50.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 22, 2023
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Don't miss last week's funniest tweets by women:
...or the funniest tweets by women in May!
You'll Literally Lose Your Mind Laughing At The 50 Funniest Tweets By Women Last Month