25 Genuinely Hysterical Tweets By Women That Proved Laughter Is The Best Medicine Because I'm Immortal Now
"Once I was on a fancy dinner date having a cocktail with a little leaf in it. My date and I liked the drinks so much we ordered more. We then watched the bartender walk out to the sidewalk and pull leaves out of a grass patch growing near the road. Then, she brought us the new drinks." —@saint_audrey
Twitter was a chaotic mess this week — what else is new? But at least it gave us this absolutely unhinged video of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doing shirtless push-ups in a random parking lot. That was pretty hilarious.
congrats on… *checks notes* … not completing a single full push-up in jeans weirdo !!!!! https://t.co/UWV3Qbw8rb
— Annie Wu (all socials: @annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) June 26, 2023
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
being carsick is so funny. you’ll be in prime physical health & then you’ll make the mistake of glancing at your phone in the backseat of an Uber going barely 25 mph
— chase (@_chase_____) June 25, 2023
2.
once I was on a fancy dinner date having a cocktail with a little leaf in it. my date & I liked the drinks so much we ordered more. we then watched the bartender walk out to the sidewalk & pull leaves out of a grass patch growing near the road. then she brought us the new drinks.
— audrey (@saint_audrey) June 23, 2023
3.
the woman behind me at groundhog day at the old vic kept huffing “NOT AGAIN” every time the day restarted
— rebecca 🎭 (@stageyrebecca) June 24, 2023
my good sis what did you think this was about 😭
4.
are you wearing th—
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) June 24, 2023
—the gabagool mesh basketball shorts? yeah I am pic.twitter.com/B2UCvlrn5V
5.
If you heard me getting out of a car, you’d think I was close to death.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 22, 2023
6.
Copyeditors at the New Yorker be like “In my in-box there’s an e-mail from a teen-ager who won’t coöperate in the reëlection, instead focussing on his début Web site”
— Kristen Steenbeeke (@ksteenbeeke) June 27, 2023
7.
yoda when he’s depressed pic.twitter.com/ksx88eywTw
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) June 28, 2023
8.
one time in college i got so mad at this girl i went thru her depop likes and started buying stuff so i could wear them around her
— annalise 🦢 (@organicbimbo) June 22, 2023
9.
"women aren't learning to cook their grandmothers' family recipes" sir my grandmother knew 9 different ways to serve cold shrimp in unflavoured jello, her family recipes should be sealed away in the undersea lightning cage they used to contain the Titans in Disney's Hercules
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) June 28, 2023
10.
Accidentally turned down a gig on the 12th of July as I saw a dot in my calendar and thought I must be busy but it’s just Battle of the Boyne.
— Lou Taylor (@LouTaylorTrash) June 27, 2023
11.
Priest: If anyone has any objections to this marriage, speak now or forever...
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) June 27, 2023
Me [stands]: She's everything, he's just Ken!
12.
"They put porn on books now?!" like your mamas weren't buying titty fucking covers at B Dalton before you were even born. pic.twitter.com/y92zuAG5D7
— Cate Eland (@RomancingNope) June 27, 2023
13.
A little girl at Pride with her mouth stained BRIGHT red just passed with her family, looked directly at us, held up the drink her hand, and in the most feral voice imaginable exclaimed “I got JUICE!!!!” 😭😭😭
— Morgan Danielle 🩷💜🩵 (@imaginmatrix) June 25, 2023
14.
Can I be real with y’all? I saw a porn clip on twitter 3 months ago and I just HAD to see the full video for the ending so I subscribed to this porn site but now I don’t know how to unsubscribe and it’s hitting me for $15.99 every month omg. Jesus I’m sorry the devil got in me
— Baddie B (@ForeverThatG1RL) June 27, 2023
15.
we all got a little Barbie in us (the microplastics)
— erika mack (@yeeeerika) June 27, 2023
16.
Brett babe idk how to tell you this but it's giving cannibalism? pic.twitter.com/GQh97Xvzb2
— You Will Find Your People is out now📚 (@hellolanemoore) June 25, 2023
17.
so i said to my husband, who is not on twitter, "hey guess who's decided to wade into the 'fairness of trans athletes debate'" and he snorted and goes "what, lance armstrong?"
— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) June 25, 2023
and i had to be like yeah no seriously
18.
this new batch of mosquitoes must’ve gotten veneers asumm 😂😂😂😂
— 🦋 (@t_sadiity) June 24, 2023
19.
Tell me you grew up in the South without telling me you grew up in the South. I’ll start: pic.twitter.com/Xrnd9OnvOl
— Megan Broussard (@megsbroussard) June 26, 2023
20.
Pride being in June is oppressive to me, specifically, a heat intolerant queer
— Tory Cross 🌸 (@queer_spice) June 26, 2023
21.
If people actually transitioned to gain an advantage in high school extracurriculars (rather than, you know, because it's what's in their hearts), we would see WAY more cutthroat theater girls becoming boys to get better roles.
— Patricia Wallinga (@pwallinga) June 25, 2023
22.
why would anyone ask the computer to do this pic.twitter.com/nLFcIdBapc
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) June 27, 2023
23.
i just saw my neighbors (a couple) outside smoking, so i went up to introduced myself. without saying a word, the guy immediately went inside and closed the door. then the woman very warmly said “hi! i’m erica. that’s my husband. he’s miserable.”
— girlboss CTE vibes (@mean_worm) June 23, 2023
24.
Man on phone: I faxed papers in 2 weeks ago.
— Morgan Danielle 🩷💜🩵 (@imaginmatrix) June 26, 2023
Me: I’m sorry sir, we have no record of receiving anything
Man: you have to have it, I sent it 2 weeks ago!
Me: I’m sorry, we don’t have it
Man: I got a confirmation!
Me: what does it say?
Man: “confirmation: job undelivered”
25.
if we’ve brought back global pandemics, titanic disasters, railroad strikes, a King of England and Russian coups, we should also get to bring back the parts of the 20th century where they had cocaine in the soda and a minimum wage earner could buy a family home
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) June 24, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women last week:
26 Incomprehensibly Hysterical Tweets By Literally The Funniest Women In The Universe
...or the funniest tweets by women in May!
You'll Literally Lose Your Mind Laughing At The 50 Funniest Tweets By Women Last Month