I Cannot Stress Enough How Unbelievably Hilarious These 28 Tweets By Women Are
"My husband manages a swim and tennis club and this morning he got a text from a lifeguard that said 'The chemicals are not slaying on this patriotic morning :(' I am obsessed with Gen Z’s communication skills, they are so delightful." —@missmulrooney
This week was filled with wild news stories, from cocaine in the White House to Meta launching Threads (the latest alternative to Twitter), to the awful Supreme Court rulings. Thankfully, these 28 funny tweets by women are the perfect distraction!
America was such bitch on Friday and now expects us to attend her birthday party on Tuesday? I don't think so, sweetie.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) July 2, 2023
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
— glennis ❤️🔥 (@theglennisshow) July 4, 2023
2.
turns out having poison ivy on your knees is harder to explain than I thought
— Panda_Moany_yum 🐼 (@ajarfullofrage) July 6, 2023
3.
david attenborough: this is a baby seal, he is starving to death
— charly (@charlywhymn) July 6, 2023
me: :(
david: his mother has found food
me: :)
david: there is a polar bear nearby who will eat the pup
me: :(
david: the pup makes a lucky escape
me: :)
david: the polar bear will now starve
me: :(
4.
You heard them, sir pic.twitter.com/FnEMiSdaKj
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) July 1, 2023
5.
june was supposed to be Pride but it ended up being Prejudice 😭
— Annie Wu (all socials: @annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) June 30, 2023
6.
i hate when energy drinks are marketed toward men. what could they possible need energy for? telling lies??
— meredith (@dietz_meredith) July 5, 2023
7.
one time i was talking to an italian (from italy) guy online and he kept saying i should visit and i was like, 'don't italians hate fat people?' and he was like, 'no, you would be exotic to our perverts'
— roxy demento (@falseroxy) July 6, 2023
8.
Wes Anderson should STOP making movies and START designing high concept putt putt courses in the myrtle beach area
— karina (@KarinaUnleashed) June 30, 2023
9.
Nova Scotia is great because no matter how far we drift from our seafaring roots, all it takes is three days of rain for everyone to start speaking like an 18th century dockhand.
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) July 3, 2023
"oh aye, the skies be some angry with us today" you are an accountant, stop it
10.
I just found out there are no skunks outside the Americas and now I can’t stop laughing thinking about the look on the face of the first settler to get sprayed by that funny stripey cat thing
— Yell in a Strike (@jelenawoehr) July 4, 2023
11.
i said “good night lover” to my bf and he said back “good night 1989” …
— simone rossi (@girlpowertbh) June 30, 2023
12.
I love my Buy Nothing Facebook group so much BUT sometimes there's weird petty dramas where Peg Matthews posts "some people in this group arent here for the right reasons" + then Steph Saltz posts "Peg was clearly calling me out, so FIRST of all" + its like "oh damn, buckle up!!"
— You Will Find Your People is out now📚 (@hellolanemoore) July 4, 2023
13.
“diet coke is bad for you” that’s not true. it’s natural. every morning i go out to the beautiful diet coke tree in my yard and harvest another sweet cool can of mother earth’s bounty
— lesbian mothman (@verysmallriver) July 2, 2023
14.
My grandmother refuses to share her location with the family even though LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT, because apparently we “don’t need to know her comings and goings like that”
— Grip Bayless (@talleyberrybaby) June 30, 2023
GIRL YOU ARE 73 AND YOU WORK AT THE CHURCH FAMILY LIFE CENTER DONT PISS ME OFF
15.
dogs aren’t actually afraid of fireworks, they just really hate america
— molly conger (@socialistdogmom) July 3, 2023
16.
Big inner conflict for my dog, who is torn between his desire to come to work with me and his 100% track record of throwing up in the car pic.twitter.com/p75bDn8UFQ
— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) July 2, 2023
17.
going on vacay with a 24yo friend is wild. girl packed al she needed in one big tote. did not eat breakfast. guzzled cocktails at the hotel then got a full night of sleep and got up at 6am to go to the gym and write. i had one marg and forgot to stretch and thus need hospital
— delia (@delia_cai) July 3, 2023
18.
When Jimmy Buffet dies he’ll be heading straight for Morguearitaville.
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) July 4, 2023
19.
My husband manages a swim and tennis club and this morning he got a text from a lifeguard that said “The chemicals are not slaying on this patriotic morning :(” I am obsessed with Gen Z’s communication skills, they are so delightful.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 4, 2023
20.
one 4th of July I made a drink called the American Flag, and it was a double shot of vodka chased by a spoonful of potato salad and I ran around the bbq pressuring everyone to try it. anyways I’m a recovering alcoholic now
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) July 4, 2023
21.
you cannot call him sleepy joe AND be mad he has cocaine. do you want him up or not
— Jessica (Ka) Burbank (@JessicaLBurbank) July 6, 2023
22.
Every online retailer, as soon as you open their website: HELLO!!!! Do yo want 10% OFF??? ENTER YOUR EMAIL TO MAKE THIS GIANT POPUP WITH A TINY, INVISIBLE X GO AWAY AND WE WILL GIVE IT TO YOU
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 5, 2023
Also them: YOUVE BOUGHT BEFORE??? No 10% off for you!!!!! You try to TRICK WEBSITE!!
23.
never let them know ur next move pic.twitter.com/Cpj0q4fZGK
— kimberlee biscotti (@kimberleeerose) July 4, 2023
24.
having people in your life with real jobs is so humiliating. just called my brother and he immediately picked up like “hey is everything okay?” and I said “yeah I just wanted to chat :)” and he said “oh okay well. it’s the middle of the workday” my bad
— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) July 6, 2023
25.
If I can only taste 999 islands I'm sending this dressing back.
— Pru (@prufrockluvsong) July 6, 2023
26.
as a teenager I just wanted biggish boobs so boys would like me and now I am an adult with biggish boobs and they’re such a hassle and boys don’t even like me, so
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) July 5, 2023
27.
Fondly remembering the time two of my transphobic colleagues wouldn’t eat my baking so I made progressively more delicious and elaborate cakes and watched them die inside from their own bigotry
— Caitlin Spice (@catespice) July 7, 2023
28.
who’s my primary care doctor? that’s me & my 18 open browser tabs, babe
— chase (@_chase_____) June 29, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women last week:
...or the funniest tweets by women in June!
I Cannot Overstate How Completely, Totally, Wildly Hilarious These 50 Tweets By Women Are