101 Things Easier Than Finding The Sock You Lost In The Laundry
Is there a magical sock-land where all the missing socks go to get away from us? WHERE ARE THE MISSING SOCKS?
1. Getting off the couch to do your laundry in the first place.
2. Carrying all your groceries back in just one trip.
3. Putting together an outfit in the dark and having it actually look good.
4. Remembering to call the doctor about that appointment you have to reschedule.
5. Cooking a healthy and balanced three-course meal.
6. Flipping an egg without having the yolk break.
7. Making new friends after college.
8. Keeping in touch with your college friends after college.
9. Watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting without taking a bathroom break.
10. Watching the entirety of Breaking Bad in one sitting without taking a bathroom break.
11. Watching a blank screen for 12 hours straight and not wanting to slam your head against the wall.
12. Slamming your head against the wall and breaking through the wall without injuring yourself.
13. Not eating free food that is offered to you.
14. Not getting a drink at an open bar.
15. Not staying in bed all day watching TV and napping.
16. Putting on real pants.
17. Teaching your grandparents how to use email.
18. Teaching your grandparents how to surf the internet.
19. Teaching your grandparents how to use the DVR.
20. Teaching your grandparents LITERALLY ANYTHING about technology.
21. Listening to Beyoncé and not dancing.
22. Unclogging your sink except you're not allowed to use Draino or anything like that, you have to actually stick your hands down there and pull out the hairball yourself.
23. Waking up before 6 a.m.
24. Waking up basically at any time without setting multiple alarms.
25. Actually getting ready for work in the time you've allotted yourself instead of spending an extra 10 minutes trying to brush your hair perfectly.
26. Beating Usain Bolt in a sprint.
27. Beating Serena Williams at tennis.
28. Beating Michael Phelps at swimming.
29. Going to the gym without complaining.
30. Properly using every machine at the gym without anyone having to explain them to you.
31. Creating a forgery of the "Mona Lisa" that's so good, you manage to fool the entire art world and sell it at auction for $100 million, which you then use to buy a lavish estate in the French countryside where you make wine and laze by the pool all day.
32. Solving world hunger.
33. Inventing a time machine.
34. Using that time machine to go back hundreds of years and prevent the world wars from happening.
35. Using that time machine to go back thousands of years in time so that you can personally hang out with Jesus.
36. Literally turning water into wine.
37. Spelling Matthew McConaughey's name right on the first try.
38. Getting Americans to love soccer and cricket.
41. Organic chemistry.
42. Reading and actually completely understanding Freud and Marx.
43. Convincing MTV to go back to airing music videos full-time.
44. Pulling off a fedora.
45. Writing the next great American novel.
46. Writing the next great screenplay.
47. Writing even a crappy novel or screenplay, but like actually completing the entire thing.
48. Finding a solution for peace in the Middle East.
49. Dusting those really awkward areas right in the corners of your living room, where it's also kind of underneath the baseboard, so you have to try to pivot down in there and it just inevitably never works.
50. Proving the existence of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe.
51. Proving the existence of ghosts.
52. Proving the existence of vampires.
53. Becoming a vampire yourself.
54. Becoming a vampire yourself and then using your experiences to write an informed, intelligent, and thought-provoking critique of Twilight.
55. Doing a "juice cleanse" without losing faith in yourself and humanity.
56. Becoming the president of the United States.
57. Becoming the prime minister of the United Kingdom.
58. Being in both of those positions simultaneously.
59. Hearing the word "dongle" and not laughing.
60. Hand-sewing your entire wardrobe.
61. Chopping a tree, preparing the wood, and then constructing a dresser in which to put all of your hand-sewn clothing.
62. Convincing Oprah to leave Gayle and become your best friend instead.
63. Performing open heart surgery.
64. Performing open heart surgery on yourself.
65. Performing open heart surgery on yourself while blindfolded.
66. Becoming a literal rocket scientist.
67. Animating an entire feature film by yourself.
68. Getting a haircut that starts a trend as widely ubiquitous as The Rachel.
69. Finding an open seat on the subway during rush hour.
70. Collecting scrap metal and then forging it yourself into a sword powerful enough to slice through an entire tree trunk in one swipe.
71. Literally entering into the world of your favorite video game.
72. Literally entering into the world of your favorite movie.
73. Literally traveling to another world, somewhere out in the far reaches of space, or perhaps even in a different temporal dimension.
74. Jogging the entire length of the Great Wall of China without taking a break.
75. Constructing a full-size replica of the Great Wall of China, one stone at a time, by yourself.
76. Drawing a perfect circle.
77. Seeing a friend's dog and not petting it.
78. Seeing any dog and not petting it.
79. Actually ignoring all dogs.
80. Finding a door that leads into an alternate universe where dogs are in charge of everything and keep humans as their pets.
81. Getting sucked into a black hole and surviving.
82. Calling a stranger on the phone without having even a little bit of anxiety.
83. Receiving a call from an unknown number and picking up without even a little bit of anxiety.
84. Putting together a bed from Ikea.
85. Traveling through your friend's blood vessels like they used to do on The Magic School Bus.
86. Traveling via hot-air balloon from New York to Los Angeles.
87. Not singing along to your favorite song in the car.
88. Convincing Miley Cyrus to return to Hannah Montana for a brand-new season.
89. Telling the difference between Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
90. Inventing flying cars.
91. Buying things online and having everything fit perfectly.
92. Stealing the Declaration of Independence.
93. Peeling an entire orange on the first try.
94. Winning an Olympic gold medal in both skeleton and rhythmic gymnastics.
95. Speaking every single language on Earth fluently.
96. Watching only one episode of House Hunters when they're airing a marathon.
97. Climbing Mount Everest naked.
98. Publishing an entire daily newspaper by yourself.
99. Getting more retweets than that Ellen selfie from the Oscars.
100. Figuring out what the hell was actually going on on Lost.
101. Realizing that you will never find the sock, giving up, and slowly descending into a pit of melancholy and despair.