Where do we hang out once our parents figure out this Twitter thing?
— marc maron (@marcmaron) February 17, 2012
Do either of us look lifelike in this picture?? Which one of us is wax? #nanasay.ly/RFD1ril
— Andy Cohen (@BravoAndy) February 17, 2012
Haters shake my hand but I keep the sanitizer on deck.
— Aubrey O'Day (@AubreyODay) February 17, 2012
I Slept In All My Clothes Last Nite
— Wiz Khalifa (@RealWizKhalifa) February 17, 2012
Good night well I'm just happy I never fell on stage on a TLC performance at least I waited 20 yrs to do it on the play lol
— Tionne T-Boz Watkins (@TheRealTBOZ) February 17, 2012
Yo ass have fresh breath and be pregnant as hell!! They had a recall on Birth Control Pills!! I'm just sayin!!
— BILL BELLAMY (@BILLBELLAMY) February 17, 2012
Ladies, be careful they got them Counterfeit Birth Control Pills out here! Heard on the News! They got them mixed up with the Mentos! Lol!
— BILL BELLAMY (@BILLBELLAMY) February 17, 2012
If Ghost Rider doesn't find love this time around then I don't know why I fucking bother anymore.
— mileskahn (@mileskahn) February 17, 2012
When figuring out your correct bra size, it's helpful if you also have an advanced degree in physics.
— Samantha Bee (@iamsambee) February 17, 2012
Another offensive pickup line is, "Hi, I'm Chris Brown."
— Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) February 17, 2012
Walking down the beach & happened upon this in the sand, sort of frightening at first but pretty creative! twitter.com/Bridget/status…
— Bridget Marquardt (@Bridget) February 17, 2012
The hotel is mad at me for getting a haircut in the jacuzzi.Sorry for trying to look nice at a Holiday Inn.
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) February 17, 2012
So I just saw a clip from Khloe & Lamar& I almost cried. This one part of Lamar so emotional holding a Laker jersey. Can't give away 2 much
— Kim Kardashian (@KimKardashian) February 17, 2012
Let them be mad!!!! We make music. Don't like it, don't listen! Turn up the music remix is coming soon too! Guess who's on it?
— Chris Brown(@chrisbrown) February 17, 2012
Breaking News: Bayer to make aspirin shaped vibrator.
— Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) February 17, 2012
Why do they not make urinal PIES?#CakeConspiracy
— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) February 17, 2012
My daughter: "Mommy how did the baby get in your belly?"Me: "Uh... ask your Dad"
— alyson hannigan (@alydenisof) February 17, 2012
Ordered an Orange Julius at Shopsins. The waiter flipped me off and then machine gunned me cause its a pain to make. Loved it.
— eric wareheim (@ericwareheim) February 17, 2012
When I write thoughts and ideas down it amazing how much they change in one week. Like, why would I ever think that? So weird. Hahaha.
— Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) February 17, 2012
Back of bell #aspen twitter.com/kellybensimon/…
— Kelly K. Bensimon (@kellybensimon) February 17, 2012
Taking a tweetcation with the girls this weekend! Happy #Presidents Day!!
— Katie Couric (@katiecouric) February 17, 2012
I've received many tweets letting me know that today is my 3rd twitter birthday. "Twitter birthday"? Twitches, please...
— Kevin Pollak (@kevinpollak) February 17, 2012
I'm so solid as a rock, they just can't stop me now!
— Rihanna (@rihanna) February 17, 2012
As far as diseases go, Legionnaire's sounds like the classiest.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 17, 2012
Jamming out to "space jam" in honor of michael jordans bd! Whoop! There it is!
— Brooke Hogan (@MizzHogan) February 17, 2012
Ellen DeGeneres would make an amazing Crocodile Dundee.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) February 17, 2012
Just had another guitar lesson. 5 Pentatonic scale positions for each key x 7 keys = a lot of freakin scales!
— Jewel (@jeweljk) February 17, 2012
If you live in a studio apartment with a cat, you might as well say you live in a litter box.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) February 17, 2012
If I see someone at airport holding a guitar & I don't recognize them, I assume they play in a jazz fusion band.
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) February 17, 2012