38 Signs You’ve Been Unemployed Too Long

OMG I need a job.

1. This is what you wear. Every. Single. Day.

2. This is your internal monologue every time you meet an employed person.

3. You’re on first name terms with your local kebab shop staff because they’re the only other people with nothing to do between the hours of 9am-5pm.

4. You’re rewatching the 2002 series Footballers’ Wives because YOU’VE SEEN EVERYTHING ELSE THAT’S EVER BEEN ON TV EVER.

5. You’ve given up writing good cover letters.

6. This is your response when people ask why you studied what you studied.

7. This is how you respond to rejection emails.

8. Your phone bills have become really expensive BECAUSE YOU PHONE YOUR MUM TO CRY 17 TIMES A DAY.

9. The Loose Women are your only friends.

10. You’ve started feeling emotionally attached to Jeremy Kyle’s guests.

11. This is how you feel when you meet friends for “after-work” drinks.

12. The reason you follow Amanda Bynes on Twitter is so that you can be sure at least one person is more unhappy than you.

13. All you can afford to drink is Red Stripe.

14. You spend more time browsing the Sidebar Of Shame than interacting with real people.

15. This is your daily battle.

16. You’re following Now magazine’s royal bump newsletter. Unironically.

17. Taylor’s lying. Nothing will be alright.

18. You try and convince your flatmate to skive off work to stay at home every day. It never works.

19. You spent at least 15 minutes giving yourself a Twitter make over so you look like the third Olsen.

20. Then you gave your Facebook a creepy Parent Trap vibe.

21. Then you found out that Parent Trap is the only film you can watch three times in a row.

22. You try Mean Girls, but it gets boring half way through the second time.

23. You’ve colour coded your bookshelf.

24. And reread The Princess Diaries in the process.

25. Marnie from Girls is the only person who understands how you feel.

26. Unless you make your breakfast smile, you can be sure you never will.

27. This is how you feel every time a friend gets a new job.

28. You’ve started poking again on Facebook.

29. When you’re expecting a parcel and the postman knocks at your door, you don’t answer because at least collecting post from the post office will be something to do tomorrow.

30. You wake up. It’s a new day. There are so many new opportunities. And then you realise…

31. You’ve collected every coffee shop loyalty card in the whole world.

32. You want to keep going out, but you need to keep applying for jobs, so this is the only solution.

33. This is something you genuinely just Googled.

34. This is how you feel when you get your 95th job rejection of the day.

35. Google can’t answer your questions.

36. So you ask Jeeves. But he doesn’t know either.

37. You’re just so beyond caring.

38. This is the stage you’re at.

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