3 Americans Answer Questions From Other Countries About The USA

    Red, white, and we'll tell you!

    by Sam Stryker, Kristin Chirico, Ira Madison III

    Let's face it: America doesn't make any damn sense to foreigners. Whether it's measuring everything in feet and inches or covering stuff in cheese, the U.S. is an enigma to the rest of the world.

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    Just ask our friends in Australia and Great Britain — who had 21 and 24 burning questions for America, respectively.

    Lucky for the rest of the world, three of BuzzFeed's U.S. employees have answers to those pressing questions. This is:

    Thinkstock / Sam Stryker / BuzzFeed

    From left: Sam, Ira, and Kristin.

    1. Why must you always be so patriotic?

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    Sam: We’re two-time World War champions. Wouldn’t you be patriotic if you were too?

    Ira: The most patriotic I get is watching Captain America.

    Kristin: Agree, if your nation was the proud owner of Chris Evans’ abs, you’d feel boundless love for America, too. Also, I love how all of our patriotism answers are World War II related.

    2. Why is everything so much bigger?

    3. Why is your cheese orange?

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    Sam: IDK, maybe so it stands out from the other cheeses on the cheese platter at your cousin’s graduation party? Whatever, it’s still cheese AND I’M STILL EATING IT!!!

    Ira: Because it’s been the gold of food products.

    Kristin: Our cheese has a healthy glow, thank you.

    4. Or in a can, for that matter?

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    Sam: I mean, global warming isn’t going to happen all by itself, is it?

    Ira: To protect us from the plague, or something? Didn’t y’all have one of those?

    Kristin: Because refrigerators are expensive, and cheese should be available to everyone. Also, I’d like to point out that canned food used to be tres chic, so this might go along with our retro obsession.

    5. And on literally everything?

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    Sam: How else are we going to eat our vegetables?

    Ira: Literally the only things we have in common with the French is that we know cheese is LIFE and Olivier Martinez is hot.

    Kristin: Britain is just mad because half of their food is organ meats.

    6. And why are your soft drink sizes so huge?

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    Sam: George Washington didn’t defeat the British and sign the Declaration of Independence so I would have to settle for a puny 8-oz soft drink. GIVE ME LIBERTY AND A BIG GULP OR GIVE ME DEATH!

    Ira: Because otherwise you’d run out during a two hour movie?

    Kristin: Oh, I can actually answer this. It’s because we also love ice, which means we need to compensate somehow. I think the real question here is “Why do car companies keep our cup holders so small?” ALL SODAS ARE GOOD SODAS, car companies.

    7. Why do your pharmacies sell beer?

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    Sam: I mean, isn’t a 30 of Natty Light the best medicine money can buy? AND YOU DON’T EVEN NEED A PRESCRIPTION FOR IT.

    Ira: I have no damn idea, but I’m grateful that pharmacies in Los Angeles sell beer AND hard liquor. #Bless

    Kristin: Because we reject your weird British notion that every different item needs to have its own separate store. AMERICA.

    8. Why are you so obsessed with ranch dressing?

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    Sam: I actually kind of hate ranch dressing? I’m from Connecticut, we don’t really *do* ranch dressing — Caesar is the dressing of Roman emperors and yours truly. But I know plenty of people who dip EVERYTHING in ranch. I think it’s because their taste buds are underdeveloped. Hey, not everyone was meant to have a refined palette.

    Ira: Ranch dressing is trash. Christian Zamora doesn’t speak for America.

    Kristin: Yeah, that’s more a question for the Midwest, to be honest. Blame them. They put that shit on everything. The rest of us just kind of side-eye them. (But OK real talk, what else are you supposed to put on chicken wings?!)

    9. Why do you call scones "biscuits"?

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    Sam: Scones are something you eat with your pinkie up. Biscuits are eaten with your pinkie down.

    Ira: A scone is most certainly not a BISCUIT. Trust me, your scones have got nothing on some real buttermilk biscuits.

    Kristin: What the fuck are scones?

    10. If you call university "school" then what do you call school?

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    Sam: The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

    Kristin: Uh, we refer to “university” as college, I don’t know what American movies you have been watching.

    Ira: Television.

    11. Why do you butcher the English language by adding Z to everything?

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    Sam: Maybe this was a thing in 2004? I seem to remember it being cool in middle school or something with all the bros. But who cares! Z is a great letter. I mean, there are two Zs in pizza… We should be using it a lot!

    Ira: You mean words like “izzle” and “foshizzle?” I don’t know, that became a white people epidemic and I’m not a fan of it myself.

    Kristin: The same reason why you all pronounce words that end in “-a” with an “-er” sound. The song’s not called “AnacondER”, Britain. It’s not a verb.

    Though I agree with Sam, this is very much an early ‘00s thing.

    12. Why does all your money look the same?

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    Sam: To quote Destiny’s Child, “Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Do you pay my automo’ bills?” I don’t care what my money looks like, as long as it pays my BILLS BILLS BILLS!

    Kristin: Have you ever owned a color printer?! Printing shit in different colors is expensive as hell.

    Ira: I have a credit card.

    13. Why would you live anywhere where it gets this cold?

    14. What's with Fahrenheit? And inches? And feet? And miles? And gallons?

    15. Why must all your cups be red?

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    Sam: To match our blue bruises we get from falling down after partying too hard AND the white ping pong balls from beer pong. RED WHITE AND BLUE!!!

    Ira: I feel like this is adequately explained in country songs. Don’t y’all have Spotify?

    Kristin: Red is easier to see when you are drunk, which is especially important for our national sport, beer pong.

    16. Why do your toilets have so much water in them?

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    Sam: Um, have you seen the size of our sodas? We need as much room as we can get.

    Ira: Bullies in the ‘50s couldn’t really dunk people in dry toilets, could they?

    Kristin: Because we really GO FOR IT.

    17. Why are there giant gaps in toilet doors?

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    Sam: This is actually a HUGE problem. Like, I don’t want anyone to see me make a real-life poop emoji! I guess this is our version of “Mind the Gap” but instead of watching out while we board a subway, we have to watch out for our coworkers dropping a deuce. ‘Murica!!!

    Ira: So you can hide from people in movies by just standing on top of a toilet, duh.

    Kristin: So you can know who is in the bathroom at the same time as you, and if it’s someone you don’t want to talk to, you hide out in your stall until they are gone.

    This also works for when someone poops/farts and you want to know when they are gone so you can allow them to leave the bathroom with some dignity.

    18. And finally, what exactly does freedom taste like?

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    Sam: A bald eagle shitting a gallon of NON-organic ranch dressing.

    Ira: 152 years, debatably.

    Kristin: A French fry wearing a cowboy hat.

    AND THAT'S AMERICA FOR YOU!!!

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