marchmadness

64 Ways To Enjoy March Madness If You Hate Basketball But Love Booze

Let’s get weird.

1. Get drunk and gamble your rent check.
2. Fart in a crowded bar.
3. Flirt with a Duke fan. Ask to go on a date, and then stand them up.
4. Drink buckets of Coors Lights.
5. And troughs of Bud Light.
6. And silos of Miller Lite.
7. Go on a strict nacho diet.
8. Wear a Hawaiian shirt, because you can’t NOT have a good time in a Hawaiian shirt.

9. Scream “Happy Hunger Games” at the tip off.
10. Masturbate violently in a public bathroom. You only live once.
11. Put all your drinks on a stranger’s tab.
12. Book a flight to Vegas.
13. Order late-night Polish food.
14. Jaywalk.
15. Wear a jean jacket over your Hawaiian shirt if you’re chilly.
16. Take tequila shots until something funny happens.
17. Impulse buy a tuxedo.
18. Impulse buy a tub of guacamole.

19. Scream “G-Unit” like it’s 2003.
20. Buy a star for a stranger. Seriously, they’ll love it.
21. Get sloshed and act like a frat bro.
22. Get housed and act like a sorority girl.
23. Wear glasses. People will think you’re a scientist after your eighth gin and tonic.
24. Two Words: Curly. Fries.
25. Hit on the hot bartender.
26. Go to a Duke bar and act like you’re watching the World Cup.

27. Say you’re the coach’s niece or nephew.
28. Show up to a bar dressed like Hannibal Lecter and say to your friends, “What? I thought it was a theme party?” Get it? March MADNESS?
29. Eat your friends.
30. See how many Long Island Iced Teas you can drink in an hour.
31. Tie people’s shoelaces together while they’re laser focused on the games.
32. Speak like Donald Duck for an entire day.
33. Yell a sincere compliment at someone angrily.
34. Whisper in a bar patron’s ear that you have the golden ticket — then walk away.

35. Tell a girl that Roadhouse is based on your life.
36. Tell a guy that Ghost is based on your life.
37. Tell a bouncer that you’re Patrick Swayze.

38. Dress like a pilot and watch the games at an airport bar.
39. Sigh obnoxiously after every made basket for BOTH teams.
40. Ask the bartender if they could play “Who Let the Dogs Out.”
41. Do the stanky leg.
42. Buy a stranger an expensive drink, and when they say thanks, start being mean to them.
43. Ask everyone in a bar what they gave up for Lent.
44. Bring an actual basketball to the bar.
45. Get pun-happy after your fourth margarita.
46. Tell someone they look EXACTLY like Tony Hawk.
47. Have a conversation solely using John Legend lyrics.
48. Buy a bottle of something at the bar.
49. Subsequently realize you overdrew your checking account and beg strangers for money.
50. Weep openly.

51. Blatantly steal someone’s drink then say “finders keepers.”
52. Have a staring contest with someone.
53. Don’t tell that person you’re having a staring contest.
54. Impulse buy Just for Men’s Touch of Gray.
55. Ask for a brunch menu…at 6 p.m.
56. Challenge someone to a shot-for-shot drinking contest à la Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Paramount Pictures

57. Call everyone around you “sport” or “hon.”
58. Smuggle in Cheetos.
59. Make a BIG mistake.
60. Say “hot dang” and snap your fingers a lot.
61. Ask permission to use the bathroom when you’re at a bar.
62. BYOPJ (Bring your own pickle juice).
63. Tell everyone you know the game is rigged.
64. Remember to tip.

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