1. Any time Bob Kraft mentioned “The Patriots Way.”
The classiest organization in sports. They’re great judges of character. They do everything right. Winning isn’t the most important thing to the Patriots — it’s all about sportsmanship and building a better community.
2. Every time their best player was “the NFL rulebook.”
If you’re a defensive player you can’t come within 15 yards of the quarterback’s legs because Tom Brady once hurt his knee. Oh yeah, remember the “Tuck Rule”? Well, that no longer exists, but only after the Patriots won a Super Bowl because of it.
3. When they cheated.
They secretly videotaped opponents’ practices. The Patriots were fined $250,000 and lost one first-round draft pick, while Belichick himself was $500,000. This is something that happened. But you’ll almost never see a pundit or writer mention “cheating” as a reason the team is so perennially successful.
4. When they acted like they knew something no one else did and signed Tim Tebow.
5. When Tom Brady smirked in this picture with Adriana Lima, who is his wife’s co-worker.
Show some respect, Brady.
6. When Tommy Tissues cried about slipping in the draft.
You’re considered one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. You have won three Super Bowls and played in five. You are married to the richest underwear model that has ever walked the face of the earth. You have a house with a moat. No one feels bad for you.
7. When he managed to get away with all these hairstyles unscathed.
8. When he went to the Kentucky Derby…and won more money.
Like he needs it.
10. When he wore this:
11. When he said this:
12. When Bob Kraft accused Vladimir Putin of stealing his Super Bowl ring.
13. When Bob Kraft goes out with his actress girlfriend.
Ricki Noel Lander’s “acting” credits include “Flight Attendant” in Iron Man and “Model” in the TV show Ugly Betty.
14. When Bob Kraft posed with Pharrell, Bon Jovi, and Jay Z like he was some sort of cool guy.
Mr. Cool Kraft.
15. When Wes Welker made a bunch of smart-ass foot references to make fun of Rex Ryan.
This is America, and if Rex Ryan wants to make foot fetish videos, he damn well ought to be able to do it without taking any guff from some smart-ass slot receiver.
16. When Bill Belichick just couldn’t believe the call didn’t go his way.
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
17. When Bill Belichick had a press conference.
Also known as “The Least Exciting Five Minutes in Sports or Anything Else.”
18. When someone from the famed Belichick coaching tree got a head coaching job.
Seriously, all you have to do is piss in the urinal next to Belichick at a rest stop on the Mass Pike and you too can be an NFL head coach.
19. When Bill Belichick shook hands like this:
Eric Mangini was a defensive coordinator for the Patriots under Belichick and the whistle-blower in the “Spygate” debacle. So it’s understandable that there are hard feelings between the two. However, it’s not that hard to shake someone’s hand.
20. When you remembered Bill Belichick is a former lacrosse player.
Nothing against lacrosse players, but it’s easily America’s smuggest sport.
21. When Aaron Hernandez confused being tried for murder for a Comedy Central roast.
Aaron Hernandez may have murdered half the Northeast, but he can still crack a smile!
22. When they celebrated a 2011 victory over the Jets with grace and dignity.
Belichick actually said that.
23. When they joked about Red Sox players being short.
They have two World Series titles since your last Super Bowl win, guys. What have you done for Boston lately?
26. When they made a kicker into a star…an effing kicker.
Adam Vinatieri does have two Super Bowl game-winning kicks and has been arguably the most consistent kicker in the NFL for a decade and a half — not knocking his accomplishments at all. But at the same time, he’s a kicker.
27. When Gronk posed shirtless with a porn star wearing his jersey.
Flaunting is so gauche.
28. When Tom Brady appeared in this Uggs commercial and gave a man slippers.
29. When this asshole wore his rings out on the town.
I’m convinced Getty edited his middle finger out of this photo.
30. And whenever your favorite team had to play them.
And that’s the worst thing about the Patriots. No matter how much you want them to get what’s coming to them, you have to admit it: They’re good, and they’re not going away.
CORRECTION: The Patriots franchise was only fined $250,000 and forfeited one first-round draft pick for their involvement in “Spygate,” while Bill Belichick was was also fined $500,000 — the NFL maximum.
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