Two Guys Who Know Nothing About Celebrities Explain Celebrities

Featuring Chatum Tanning.

Miley Cyrus

Christopher Polk / Getty Images

Jack: I know miley. That’s easy:
1. Hannah Montana
2. twerking
3. “Wrecking Ball.” Boom.

Tanner: She was Hannah Montana. Now she’s a skank. She’s always flashing her vagina at her shows, right? And she has a bowl cut now.

Jack: Bopping my hips like yeah.

Rihanna

Stephane Mahe / Reuters

Jack: This is super easy too. Umbarella. And she is mean to people on Twitter

Tanner: She likes to yell at people on Twitter.

Jack: I know there is more about her. She was in the board game movie. Battleship. BOOM!

Tanner: I think she smokes a lot of weed and posts pictures of herself smoking a lot of weed on Instagram.

Jack: True.

Tanner: Did we say “Umbrella?” She was that. Oh! Her first song sampled “Tainted Love,” right?

Jack: He is the one from 1D.

Tanner: “Story of my Life” guy.

Jack: He is friends with Harry Style. The story of my life, I drive so long, I drive around and keep you warm. (But inside he is frozen).

Tanner: He’s like the guy from Backstreet Boys with the little beard and mustache. He fills that same role.

Lauren’s note: The guy from Backstreet Boys with teh little beard and mustache could be one of several people. My bet is on Kevin Richardson.

Ariana Grande

Danny Moloshok / Reuters

Jack: Oh, wait, wait…

Tanner: She looks like she’s 12.

Jack: I wanna see you be brave! Honestly.

Tanner: Yeah, I think that’s right.

Jack: I wanna see you be brave, how big your brave is. That is her only hit so far
major pop star though.

Tanner: She did a song with that one rapper who looks like a dude from Columbus, Ohio.

Jack: Kid Rock.

Lauren’s note: At the start of the conversation they seem to mistake Ariana Grande for Sara Bareilles and her song “Brave”. Towards the end I have no idea who they think she is.

Anna Kendrick

Danny Moloshok / Reuters

Jack: She is from a TV show.

Tanner: “Cup Song.”

Jack: Community or Big Bang Theory. She seems nice.

Tanner: The only thing I’ve ever seen her in is “Cup Song.”

Jack: I bet she is a heartthrob…. WTF is “Cup Song?”

Lauren’s note: Not on Community or Big Bang Theory, but I’m proud that Jack was able to name two television shows. And the “Cup Song” is from Pitch Perfect.

Ansel Elgort

Ethan Miller / Getty Images

Jack: Whoa.

Tanner: Literally no idea. He looks like a Greek sculpture.

Jack: I have never seen this person but my guess is that he is from a major Danish soap opera. He looks like he is not very smart.

Tanner: If a Greek sculpture came to life, it’d look like this guy. Classically handsome.

Jack: Definitely not Greek.

Tanner: There’s probably a fig leaf covering his genitals.

Vanessa Hudgens

Gus Ruelas / Reuters

Jack: Disney star for sure

Tanner: She’s the girl equivalent of Zac Efron. They were maybe in the same Disney show? They’re often mentioned together. Maybe they dated? She’s in that movie with all the other Disney stars. Where they’re all slutty.

Jack: My guess is that she was in a bunch of Disney stuff and then had some scandal and her life fell apart and now she is not famous anymore.

Lauren: What do you think her scandal was?

Tanner: Sex tape. For sure.

Jack: Sexual pictures.

Lauren’s note: Correct about the sexual pictures.

Kesha

Jordan Strauss/Invision / AP, File

Tanner: That’s Ke$ha.

Jack: Yeah, it’s actually spelled Ke$ha. She sings “Tick tock.”

Tanner: She used to look a little like John Travolta.

Jack: I think she is great. <3 “Tick tock.”

Tanner: Yeah, she makes catchy tunes.

Jack: Everyone makes fun of her, but she actually seems pretty chill
“Tick Tock” is the best.

Tanner: I like the “We’re Gonna Die Young” one.

Jack: She does need to come out with another one though.

Lauren’s note: Kesha has actually dropped the “$” and now uses a normal “S” in her name, aren’t these two a bunch of idiots? Also man, Jack really loves Tick Tock.

50 Cent

Andrew Kelly / Reuters

Jack: I know a lot about Fiddy.

1. He is very, very, very unpleasant on Twitter.

Tanner: He’s got his own flavor of Vitamin Water.

Jack: 2. “In Da Club.”

Tanner: I think he did a song about birthday cake? Was that “In Da Club?”

Jack: 3. He is afraid of gay people.

Lisa Vanderpump

David Becker / Getty Images

Jack: I have been to her house. Real deal. Real deal Holyfield. I was in her house. She has a dog named Giggy. She is a real housewife.

Tanner: No idea. Her name sounds like the name of a cartoon aristocrat.

Jack: She is like the main one. She is the main housewife and she has a dog named Giggy. BOOM!

Emma Stone

Elisabetta Villa / Getty Images

Jack: Beautiful.

Tanner: Spider-Man’s girlfriend.

Jack: She is an angel. I don’t know what she’s from though. An Education?

Tanner: I think people use her as reaction GIFs a lot? She’s very expressive.

Austin Mahone

Larry French / Getty Images

Tanner: That’s Justin Bieber.

Jack: No idea.

Tanner: You got the name wrong.

Jack: Maybe he is from Bieber’s entourage? Like, they went to high school together.

Tanner: Is he a wrestler? Sounds like a wrestler’s name.

Lauren’s note: Not Justin Bieber or a wrestler.

Carrie Underwood

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

Tanner: Jesus take the wheel!

Jack:
1. American Idol.
2. She is a singer.
3. Not Kelly Clarkson.

Tanner: She was like Taylor Swift before Taylor Swift was Taylor Swift.

Jack: That’s all I know. I think it’s country singing that she does.

Jack: Yes, um…

Tanner: That’s Storm.

Jack: Her name is…

Tanner: Storm.

Jack: Storm.

Mads Mikkelsen

Neilson Barnard / Getty Images

Jack: Lol. Is he a bond villain?

Tanner: Obviously a villain from a James Bond movie. And not a real living person.

Lauren’s note: Hold up. To be fair, I showed them this picture.

Jack: A lot of Danish dudes on here. Fictional for sure.

Tanner: He even has a scar over his eye.

Jack: Yes. Not a real person.

Tanner: Wait, he might be on the show where he eats people. Based on Silence of the Lambs.

Jack: The Walking Dead.

Emma Roberts

Jason Kempin / Getty Images

Jack: Like Emma Stone, but different. Daughter of Julia Roberts, a major motion picture star.

Tanner: I drove her in a van one time when I was a PA for a movie called The Winning Season. She asked me not to talk to her, so we sat in silence for about an hour while I drove her around Manhattan.

Jack: This is like your Lisa Vanderpump moment!

Tanner: It was very awkward.

Lauren’s note: Not Julia Robert’s daughter, but it is her niece!!

Elle Fanning

Kevin Winter / Getty Images

Jack: I think you mean Dakota, sry.

Tanner: Yeah, that’s Dakota Fanning. Does she go by Elle now? Weird career move.

Jack: Agreed. That’s all I know.

Channing Tatum

Tristan Fewings / Getty Images

Jack: I know! I know! G.I. Joe! Chatum Tanning. BOOM!

Tanner: All the skin got burned off his penis when he was shooting The Eagle. Look it up. I think he essentially doesn’t have a penis anymore.

Michael B. Jordan

Mike Coppola / Getty Images

Tanner: First of all, Michael Jordan is the name of a basketball player, so this guy is clearly infringing on copyright.

Jack: Agree. I’m going to guess that he is a TV presenter. He is like the new Ryan Seacrest.

Tanner: I don’t know who this Michael Jordan is, but I assume he’s bogged down in legal troubles for copyright infringement.

Courtney Stodden

Fameflynet Pictures

Jack: Easy. She is married to an old man from the hit TV show LOST.

Tanner: That doesn’t sound right.

Lauren’s note: It IS right. Or at least it was right. Now they are split :(.

Zooey Deschanel

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

Jack: Adorkable.

Lauren: Can you spell her name?

Jack: That is Z-O-E D-E-S-C-H-A-N-E-L, right? She is from Bones.

Tanner: Yeah, spelled like that.

Jack: With Angel.

Tanner: No. That’s the other one. She’s on that Fox show. It’s funny.

Jack: Bones.

Tanner: The other one.

Jack: Angel?

Lauren’s note: It’s New Girl people, New Girl.

Guy Fieri

Christopher Polk / Getty Images

Jack: I know him for sure. He has a reality cooking show he is a major celebrity chef BUT —

Tanner: He makes disgusting faces and sounds when he eats.

Jack: All the things he makes are horrible.

Tanner: Like a cow giving birth in reverse.

 

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