1. OK, no more excuses. This year, I am winning this Oscar pool. It's just educated guessing, right?
2. I got this!
3. Seriously, there are people who get perfect scores in their Oscar pools every year, there is no reason why I cannot be one of them.
4. But seriously: I'm going to do great at this.
5. OK, for Best Picture I'm gonna pick…
6. Um.
7. Um?
8. Um.
9. Shit.
10. Birdman or Boyhood?
11. Shit.
12. Um.
14. I think I read somewhere about a dog or a cat or something that has correctly predicted the last seven Academy Award winners for something, is that a thing?
15. Am I just making that up?
16. Should I Google it and see if that's a thing?
17. I'm just going to say Boyhood. That's the safe choice, no need to get crazy so early on.
18. OK, Best Director…
19. Um.
20. Uhhhhh?
21. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh?
22. Shit.
23. Birdman or Boyhood?
24. Shit.
25. I should probably just go all in on Boyhood, right?
26. But Birdman did all that weird editing shit, that's probably more important.
27. Can I just write in a big B and then a bunch of scribbles so that if either one wins I can claim credit?
28. Best Adapted Screenplay… I feel like this should probably go to the movie where we noticed the screenplay the least.
29. Like if I cringed at any point during these movies because of the dialogue, that movie probably shouldn't win, right?
30. Which means that half of these movies definitely shouldn't win.
31. And the other half I haven't seen.
32. How am I already blowing this four categories in?
33. OK, for Best Original Screenplay I'm gonna pick…
34. Jesus Christ, am I going to have to pick between Birdman and Boyhood for this entire ballot?
35. Best Actor is obviously Michael Keaton, because Benedict Cumberbatch and Eddie Redmayne will split the ginger scientist vote.
36. Best Supporting Actor is... I don't know, the drums movie? I feel like this is as good a place as any to throw the drums movie a bone.
37. Best Actress should be the person who has gone the longest in their career without a win, right?
38. Putting down Julianne Moore.
39. For Best Supporting Actress, do I put down Patricia Arquette for Boyhood, or Meryl Streep for Into The Woods, because Meryl is statistically the safer choice?
40. Can I just write in The Lego Movie for Best Animated feature?
41. Best Cinematography is Birdman only because Boyhood isn't also nominated.
42. I can already tell that this is not going well for me.
43. Best Costume Design just goes to the movie that's set the furthest back in time, right?
44. Yeah, I have not seen any of these documentaries.
45. Still gonna pick the Edward Snowden one.
46. Wait, isn't Leo's production company technically nominated for one of the documentaries?
47. Poor Leo.
48. Film Editing? Ehhhhhh… maybe this is a good place to throw Grand Budapest Hotel a win?
49. Sure.
50. I have no idea what I am doing.
51. I should have Googled these foreign language films, first.
52. For Best Makeup and Hair, the movie where someone's entire face and body gets changed wins over the period films, right?
53. I'm honestly just ticking boxes now.
54. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH???????
55. ALL OF THE ORIGINAL SCORES SOUNDED THE SAME. HOW IS ANY ONE OF THEM THE BEST?
56. Picking Hans Zimmer, sure, fine.
57. Who won the Golden Globe for Best Song? Gonna just pick that one.
58. Ugh, poor Selma.
59. Mr. Turner? What the hell is that movie?
60. I have not seen nearly as many movies as I think I have.
61. I'm just going to pick the shorts with the most poignant and majestic sounds titles, because I have no idea.
62. What the hell is the difference between sound editing and sound mixing?
63. Best Visual Effects goes to the blockbuster everyone would have nominated for Best Picture if it was OK for summer movies to always be nominated for Best Picture, right?
64. Sure.
65. Fine.
66. Time to go hand in this ballot and the five dollars that I am never going to see again.