Dear Baby Kimye: Let Us Explain Your Weird And Wild New World

Being born is traumatic enough; imagine having Kim Kardashian and Kanye West as your parents! Here’s our baby present: a handy guide to the bizarre new life it is about to experience. posted on

Lucas Jackson / Reuters

Dear Kimye Baby,

Hi, how are you? Tired, probably, since you just took the ride of your life! Like any newborn, you’re probably cold, confused and amazed by how much legroom there is outside the womb. I wish I could tell you that things are going to get easier, but take it from me, infancy and childhood just only get weirder — and I didn’t experience anywhere near the bizarre things you’re about to see.

Once you leave that cozy hospital, you’re probably going to be chased by big men with flashing lights; those are paparazzi. See, your mommy and daddy are what we call celebrities, which means that society values them more than normal people. While it’s usually boring to hear people talk about their lives and children and dumb complaints about stuff like being sick or unemployed, we lap up every bit of it when it comes from celebrities; when a celebrity baby — like yourself — is born, everyone wants to know every little detail.

That means that you’ll be on the front page of a magazine in the next week or so. A magazine is a lot of fancy, glossy pictures and words stapled together, and if the people who make them can get cool babies like you on the front, they get a lot of money!

Money, by the way, is the stuff we use to exchange for other stuff. Good news: your mommy and daddy have a lot of it!

OK, maybe we should get this out of the way before you learn how to use the internet for realzies. Your mommy first got famous because someone took a very private video of her doing the same sort of thing that created you! That’s what we call a sex tape, and boy did it get spread around but good. Basically, everyone’s seen your mommy doing naughty stuff naked. To be fair, she’s done some pretty epic things since — not everyone with a “sex tape” becomes famous for anything else.

4. About Daddy


Your daddy is a rapper, which is what we call someone who says rhyming words really fast with great confidence. It’s like singing but with less drama. He’s super good at it, too, and he’s got lots of awards for rapping. What’s cool is that your daddy knows that he’s super good at it, too; in fact, his most recent album (or, collection of rap songs) is called Yeezus, which is kinda like Jesus, who is this old bearded Jewish guy who a lot of people think was the son of God and died for their sins (not to get too serious on you, LOL).

Sometimes he says some pretty crazy stuff, too, like comparing himself to Steve Jobs (he made computers, which are magic boxes), Walt Disney (he invented Mickey Mouse!) and David Stern (tiny guy who runs a basketball league?). Maybe that’s a little much, but he does have talent for making movies and clothing, too, so good job!

Because daddy is so good at rapping, he’s got some super famous friends. One of them is named Jay-Z, who is kind of like daddy Kanye’s big brother. They make music sometimes together, and that means that your mommy Kim and Jay-Z’s wife, Beyonce get to hang out.

Thanks to their chill seshes, you do have a great new playmate who will definitely be able to give you some of her old hand-me-down clothing, which will be more expensive (meaning it’ll cost more of that money stuff) than anything any other baby could own!

6. About Mommy


Sooo, about what your mommy does for a living. Well, let’s call her a businesswoman! She’s got her own fashion lines, endorsement deals (where people pay her to say nice stuff about things) and other big money adventures. The guys with big cameras you see around you all the time are filming what is called a reality TV show, which is a program on the magic picture box about someone’s life. Like anyone’s everyday life, it can get kind of boring, but luckily, your mommy knows lots of crazy people that keep it interesting!

First, there are your aunties, Kourtney and Khloe. Kourtney is the short one with the two children (your cousins!), while Khloe is the super tall one who kind of doesn’t look like she’s related to you. They’re also reality stars, but just so you know, they aren’t as popular as your mom! Don’t tell them that, though — it’ll make them sad!

Kourtney is partners with that fancy guy named Scott. He dresses funny and is kind of a jerk, but that’s just his thing. Because he’s rich, he’s allowed to be mean: that’s the world’s number one rule! Khloe is married to Lamar, who is a basketball player who used to be good. They seem like the fun aunt and uncle, so make sure you hang out with them!

Oh, and there’s also Kylie and Kendall; they are your aunts, too, but they’re much younger. Your grandma, Kris (yup, everyone’s name starts with a K!!!!) got remarried after divorcing your grandpa. He was the first rich one in the family, and he helped this guy named OJ Simpson avoid jail when he was accused of murdering (that’s like the opposite of what just happened to you) his wife.

The other grandpa has kind of a plastic face, but he was really good at jumping and running and throwing a long time ago. No one really knows anything else about him.

Stuart Wilson / Getty Images

Here are some names to avoid: Ray J, Kris Humphries, Taylor Swift. They don’t like your parents very much. Ray J and Kris have a history with mommy, while Taylor had a famous encounter with daddy. It’s okay though because ever since Taylor said some mean stuff about Tina Fey (a very famous funny lady), no one likes her that much, either.

Check this out:

OK, other advice: Don’t Google your mom, don’t say anything racist because there are cameras everywhere, and don’t settle for anything but true love!

Welcome to the world! Good luck!

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