1. The Person All Up In Your Biz
This overeager beaver lurks behind you. And doesn’t quite understand that getting as close as humanly possible to the person ahead of you until you’re just barely touching (or worse, actually touching) does not, in fact, make the line go faster.
If this person invades your personal space, you can retaliate by allowing a huge line gap to form in front of you. It will mentally destroy them.
2. The Line Boss
Can you move the line over this way? Can you make the line start snaking? Now make it zigzag. I OWN YOU.
The Line Boss has power over the line and the poor bastards standing in it. When the Line Boss comes out, you suddenly learn that the way you were waiting in line was incorrect. The Line Boss will teach you the right way. The line is the clay and the Line Boss is Patrick Swayze and/or Demi Moore in “Ghost,” forming the line to fit their romantic whims of how a line should be.
3. The Person Overly Eager To Tell You It’s Your Turn
This person is right behind you in line, watching and waiting for you to screw up. All they really want is for you to be looking at your phone for just one second too long and that’s when they pounce—“I think you’re next in line!” Dude, chill out. This person derives a sick, twisted pleasure from telling you when it’s your turn. Even if you’re well aware that a cash register has opened up and are making your way there, you’re going to get a reminder from behind.
The most sinister villains of the line world. “Oh, I didn’t realize you were in line.” Yeah, ya did, buddy. Yeah ya did. You are actively trying to crumble our society. Your actions are one step away from everyone just randomly murdering in the streets. I hope you’re pleased with yourself, heathen.
5. The Person Who Has Never Been Out Of The House Before This Moment
This person is not only completely baffled by the concept of a line, but just totally overwhelmed by being in public. They’re staring blankly at the menu, asking the cashier for an incredibly lengthy explanation about what food is and generally frightened and confused.
6. The Free Sample Champion
Did you hear something? Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHOO CHOO here comes the conductor of the gravy train express. Yes, fine, look at you. Beating the system. Getting something for nothing. Bravo. But the people in line behind you have lives to live. So how about you use your brain to remember how the butternut squash soup tasted instead of asking to try it again.
7. The Post-Pay Fumbler
It’s a rough world out there so it’s normal to be feeling flustered and vulnerable right after you’ve done something as harrowing as purchase a salad. And, sure, it takes some time to put your money back in your wallet and compose yourself to take that salad on the next leg of your journey, but really, truly, honestly, how long does that have to take?
tl;dr GET OUT OF THE WAY, CLOWN
8. The Line Gapper
Of course you’re going to be on your phone if you’re waiting in a long line, you’re only human. But you have to monitor the line’s progress or you’re going to get left behind, like some kind of fool. The line’s movin’ up and you’re goin’ no where. What are you doing with your life? The line is moving on without you. That line gap is growing so fast, you’ve basically created your very own pointless second line on its way to your butt.
9. The Person Who Wants You To Save Their Spot
Maybe you’re a nice person and you don’t mind saving someone’s spot. Maybe this random stranger has a really good reason. But hey, guess what—THAT IS NOT HOW A LINE WORKS.
10. The Floater
Don’t make people ask “Are you in line?” Nobody wants that. It’s humiliating for all involved. Either commit and stand firmly in the line or get the hell away from the line if you’re not in it.
11. The Precarious Placeholder
Sometimes in grocery stores with an epic line (ahem, Manhattan Trader Joe’s) someone will try to save their place in the line by leaving their cart or basket full of groceries just sitting there alone while they go pick up the thing they forgot. For the record, none of us are obligated to honor that as a legitimate placeholder. If the line moves forward, just walk right around it because no. Lines are for things made of flesh and blood and your box of arugula cannot serve as your advocate.
Minus 10,000 points if you leave your baby alone in the line to save your place. Because guess what. I’m going right ahead of your baby and your baby can’t say nothin’. Also, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
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