2. In case you missed it, I’ve changed my foolish ways and decided, after 13 years, to watch the Harry Potter films. Three weeks ago I watched the first one.
Read my recap of the Philosopher’s/Sorcerer’s Stone if you haven’t already.
3. Two weeks ago, I followed that up with Chamber of Secrets, mostly because it’s the second one.
4. This week, I watched and live-tweeted everyone’s favourite film of the series. Here’s what I thought.
5. Ooh, new title style.
6. The film opens with Harry, now 13, under the covers playing with his wand.
As you do.
7. Meanwhile, Uncle Richard Griffith’s sister, Marge, comes to visit. She’s not particularly nice.
“Where’s Gary? Playing with his wand, I bet.”
8. “It’s Harry, Harry Potter.”
“It’s in the fucking title. Gosh.”
9. Marge trolls Harry like he’s a woman on YouTube.
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”
10. Which makes Harry all angsty.
11. He destroys her brandy snifter with his mind.
That’s the proper name for a brandy glass, kids!
12. Then he blows her up like Violet Beauregarde, only less purple.
Bloating is a real issue. If you have any of these symptoms, please see a doctor. Or at least stop eating bread.
13. Despite Uncle Richard Griffith’s best efforts, Marge floats up into the stratosphere and dies shortly after.
14. Because he’s a teenager, Harry kicks his desk.
“Lousy inanimate object!”
15. He decides he’s had enough of this Muggle shit, and runs away. He gets as far as the kerb.
16. Thankfully, the plot made allowances for this kind of rebellion, and the Knight Bus comes to get him.
18. Harry tells the Knight Bus conductor that he’s on the run from the law, for murdering Marge.
“Murder? Cool, you must be Harry Potter.”
19. The conductor tells Harry about the escaped convict, Sirius Black, because plot.
“He’s a murderer. Like you!”
20. “Yes but what I really want to know is… why so Sirius?”
21. That joke is so bad the driver slams on the brakes and kicks Harry off the bus.
PSA: Wear your seatbelt, kids.
22. Harry finally gets to The Leaky Cauldron, where IAN GODDAMN BROWN is hanging out reading a well-worn copy of A Brief History of Time.
Best. Cameo. Ever.
23. For some reason a hunchback tries to give Harry bread.
“No thanks. Bloating is a real issue, you know.”
24. The Minister of Magic is at The Leaky Cauldron. Harry thinks he’s going to be punished.
“Why, if I punished every wizard who murdered someone, Azkaban would be full. To say good job on a murder well done, I’ve bought all your school books for you.”
25. “Crime does pay!”
Yes. It pays in books.
26. Ron and Hermione arrive.
27. Ron’s dad tells Harry to watch out for Sirius Black. He does this for plot reasons.
Cool poster, bro.
28. “Promise me you won’t go looking for Sirius Black.”
“I’m not kidding, Harry.”
29. “OK, I promise, but why so Sirius.”
30. “You are literally the worst. Never talk to me again.”
31. They board the train to Hogwarts, where Hermione entertains the boys with some freestyle enunciation.
“Destroy the patriarchy!”
32. The film looks stunning, by the way.
33. But the train stops. And shit gets dark.
“There’s something moving out there. And I don’t mean emotionally.”
34. “You don’t think it could be…”
“I mean it couldn’t, could it? It couldn’t be them?”
35. This is still a kids film, right?
I’ll be behind the sofa. At your house.
“Jeff Goldblum tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen!”
37. “Boy, I hate being right all the time.”
Thanks, Sassy Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park.
38. BREAKING: Def not a dinosaur.
“Oh, hai guyz.”
39. “Ooh, are you Harry Potter?”
“Give us a kiss.”
40. “Quick, flare your nostrils at it!”
Surprisingly, this isn’t working.
41. At this point David Thewlis turns up to save the day.
“Pow, right in the kisser!”
42. Harry faints.
“What. Was. That. Thing?”
43. “It was a barber, Harry, you and Ron are in desperate need of a haircut.”
“Lol just kidding. It was a Dementor, searching for Sirius Black probs.”
44. “Did anyone else faint?”
“These pot brownies are really good, fyi.”
45. “No, I felt weird though, like I’d never be cheerful again.”
“Kind of like travelling on the Central Line at rush hour.”
47. Gambondore introduces everyone to the new teachers.
“I’d like to welcome Professor RJ Lupin, who is totes not a werewolf, honest.”
49. Gambondore also introduces a ban on hair products, which does not go down well in some circles.
“Potter. Potter! Is it true that you’ve got a supply of hair gel?”
50. Harry, Ron, and the some of the other boys experiment with drugs.
“I can’t seem to stop grinding my teeth.”
51. “Guys, is there steam coming out of my ears?”
“No, Harry, you’re tripping balls.”
52. By the way, Hogwarts looks so MAJESTIC in this film.
Like the whole film is one big tourism ad.
54. In class, Emma Thompson demonstrates jazz hands.
“Like this, see!”
55. Hermione is unimpressed.
You can tell because shade.
56. Emma Thompson asks Ron to look at his tea leaves.
“It looks like a plot point, Miss.”
57. Giant Robbie Coltrane is teaching his first class.
“Go on, smell my fingers.”
58. Neville is being Neville. But that’s OK.
He gets the last laugh.
60. Giant Robbie Coltrane introduces us to his pet Hippogriff, Buckbeak.
61. Buckbeak takes Harry for a ride.
“I have GOT to get me one of these.”
62. “Jack, I’m flying!”
“Dude, my name is Buckbeak.”
63. Meanwhile Draco Hair Gel and the Shade Throwers are performing their new single.
“It’s Wizard Rock. You want to hear? We all play air keyboard.”
64. Unfortunately, the only thing worse than air keyboard is an entire air keyboard band.
“This one’s called ‘Can I Borrow a Keyboard?’”
65. Buckbeak is not impressed.
“Air keyboard is just the worst.”
66. Buckbeak kicks Draco Hair Gel, and everyone lulz. Everyone except Hermione.
“I hate air keyboard as much as the next Hippogriff, but we should totes take him to the hospital.”
67. Thus follows a whole scene about conquering fear, but the most important part is…Undercover Snape!
The best kind of Snape is a surprise Snape.
68. The students are all off to the nearby village of Hogsmeade, but not Harry, for reasons McGonagall explains in her delightful Scottish accent.
“Don’t fuck with me, Harry. I will break you.”
69. Harry is so emo right now.
“Balls to this, I’m off to listen to some Dashboard Confessional.”
71. Harry goes to see Lupin, who is definitely not a werewolf.
“Are you sure you’re not a werewolf? I mean your name is Lupin.”
73. “And your name is Potter.”
“Do you make pots?”
74. For totally non-werewolf reasons, Snape is covering Lupin’s class.
“But it’s a full moon, and…”
75. “Turn to page three hundred and ninety…”
80. Harry’s all like, “I told you,” and Snape is all like, “Shut…”
81. And Hermione is all like.
82. Sportsball time!
Sweet goggles, bro.
83. Unfortunately no Wood in this film. So here’s an old one.
84. Harry’s shaft freezes.
85. The Dementors attack, Harry falls off his broom, and Gambondore calls off the game.
“Give us a kiss, handsome goggles.”
86. After waking up in hospital (again), Harry asks Lupin to teach him how to fight off Dementors.
“I can teach you… but I’ll have to charge.”
87. At this point, Harry does some acting, and contemplates some heavy shit.
“What if when you drink beer, you’re just borrowing happiness from tomorrow?”
88. With his brain hurting from too many thinks, he decides to sneak into Hogsmeade.
For plot reasons, the Weasley twins present him with an awesome secret map.
90. In Hogsmeade, Harry sneaks into a room where he gets some terrible news.
“Milli Vanilli lip-synched the whole time.”
91. Oh, and also that Sirius Black is his godfather.
But that Milli Vanilli thing, wow.
92. Hermione and Ron find Harry crying.
“Harry, what is it?”
93. “They were lip-synching!”
“Girl You Know It’s True is a ’90s pop classic! I can’t believe it. Oh, also Sirius Black betrayed my parents, but whatevs.”
94. “Oh I love Milli Vanilli. Almost as much as enunciating.”
“What are you all on about? Can we get on with the plot please?”
95. “Like that scary house over there. I bet that has something to do with the plot.”
“Nah. Probably not.”
96. “Here’s a plot point for you: I’m going to kill Sirius Black.”
“I’m going to kill him in the face. With murder.”
97. “Geez, Harry. Why so Sirius?”
98. “Oh, you guys.”
“I bloody love that joke.”
99. As promised, Lupin teaches Harry how to fight Dementors.
Unfortunately, Harry is rubbish at it.
100. Lupin tells Harry the happy thoughts he needs to conjure the Patronus Charm aren’t happy enough, and he needs to think of something else.
“Yeah OK. I’ve got something.”
101. “Expecto Patronum!”
102. Second-time charm’s a charm.
104. “As a matter of interest, what were you thinking? Which memory did you choose?”
“Oh, you know. Wood.”
105. Studying the Marauder’s Map, Harry sees Peter Pettigrew walking the halls of Hogwarts.
The only problem with that is Peter Pettigrew is dead.
106. Sirius Black killed Pettigrew. Killed him right in the face.
Careful Harry, the torch app will drain your wand’s battery.
107. After a Snape encounter, Harry shows Lupin his map.
108. “Pettigrew’s alive?”
109. For attacking Draco, Buckbeak has been sentenced to death. Today is the day of his execution.
110. Dude from Soul Caliber is sharpening his blade.
Killing things is his second-favourite pastime. Sharpening comes first.
111. In retaliation, Hermione nearly kills Draco, but changes her mind.
She punches him in the nose instead.
112. Important reminder: Hermione is a badass.
Killer smirk, killer right hook.
113. Poor Buckbeak.
114. Thankfully the camera cuts away.
115. Hermione seeks comfort in Ron’s shoulder.
“Please don’t let Harry ruin this.”
116. Until Harry “Third Wheel” Potter ruins it.
“Every. Fucking. Time.”
117. Ron plays with his pet rat instead.
“Scabbers never ruins anything.”
118. Then this dog shows up and drags Ron and Scabbers down a hole.
119. Sensing the need to get the finale started, Harry and Hermione follow along.
The hole leads to a tunnel which leads to the scary house, obvs.
120. It also leads to Sirius Black.
121. Hermione, ever the badass, steps in front of Harry.
But Harry has other plans. Plans that involve murder.
122. Apparently there isn’t a dentist at Azkaban. Or a toothbrush. Or floss.
“Teethio fixum!” #amirite.
123. Lupin arrives and disarms Harry, before turning his attention to Black.
“Hello, old friend. Tell me, why so…”
125. “Give us a hug, you handsome devil!”
Did not see that coming. OK maybe a little bit.
126. Hermione tells everyone she knows Lupin is a werewolf, because of course she did, because of course he is.
127. Sirius explains that it totes wasn’t him. That it was in fact Peter Pettigrew who betrayed Harry’s parents.
Not only that, but Peter Pettigrew is somewhere in this very room!
128. And when you least expect him… Suprise Snape!
The best kind of Snape.
129. With everyone distracted, Harry goes in for the grope.
130. Plot twist: Harry disarms Snape.
Bonus Hermione shade.
131. Harry demands to be shown where Peter Pettigrew is.
“He’s right there.”
132. “Hang on a minute, dickhead. My name’s Ron.”
133. “Typical man, making it all about you.”
“I’m pointing at your rat.”
134. SCABBERS WAS TIMOTHY SPALL THE WHOLE TIME.
Definitely did not see that coming.
135. Sirius apologises for biting Ron.
“Normally I have a very sweet disposition as a dog. Your dad said I should make the change permanent, but I didn’t fancy it.”
137. Sirius tells Harry to come and live with him.
“It’ll be fun. Siriusly.”
138. Umm. Guys. Full moon. Guys.
Sirus rushes to help Lupin.
140. But it’s too late, and Pettigrew escapes as Lupin transforms.
“Oh hai, moon.”
141. Sirius tries to protect Harry, Ron, and Hermione from Lupin but he’s injured in the process.
The Dementors come for him.
142. Harry tries to help, but his Patronus is rubbish.
Sirius is about to die, when suddenly…
143. A kickass stag Patronus appears out of nowhere and fends off all the Dementors!
144. In the hospital, Hermione tells Harry that without Pettigrew, the Dementors are going to suck out Sirius’ soul.
And not in the good way.
145. Here’s Gambondore! Luckily he’s a badass too, and he has a plan.
“Three turns should do it!”
146. Hermione whips out her Time-Turner, and gives it three turns as instructed.
“Tha fuck?” – Me.
148. Time travel?!
149. Rolling back the clock to a few hours earlier, they pull some Back to the Future Part II shenanigans on their past selves, and save Buckbeak.
150. Then they save their past selves from Lupin.
152. And finally Harry conjures up a Patronus so DanRad it pwns all the Dementors.
It’s all in the enunciation.
153. I got a bit emotional.
I may have had tears in my eyes at this point.
154. Escaping on Buckbeak, Harry tells Hermione that it wasn’t his dad who conjured the Patronus, after all. It was him.
Hermione’s all like, “Yeah, dude, I know.”
155. Hermione breaks Sirius out of his jail cell.
156. Because he’s now a fugitive from justice, Sirius has to say good-bye to Harry.
“But know this, the ones who love us never really leave us.” *tears*
157. “Hi ho, Buckbeak!”
OK I’m officially in love with Sirius Black.
158. Back in the nick of time, Gambondore denies all knowledge of their secret adventure.
“Plausible deniability, bitches.”
159. And none for Ron Weasleys.
Not even a little bit.
160. Lupin also says good-bye. Werewolves in teaching positions are frowned upon, apparently.
Good-bye, Lupin, you marvellous bastard.
161. So Harry does what any teen boy would do.
Grabs his shaft firmly…
162. …and goes flying for a while.
163. In conclusion, I loved this film. Loved it. I loved Lupin, I loved Sirius. I loved the cinematography and the new Hogwarts. I loved Cuarón’s direction.
But mostly I loved Sirius.
164. So the plot had some holes. So what. It was as much fun as ride on a Hippogriff, and then some.
I can’t wait to watch Goblet of Fire.