This Is What It’s Like To Watch “Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban” For The First Time

Cuarón is a genius. This was epic.

Warner Bros. / BuzzFeed
ID: 3508559

2. In case you missed it, I’ve changed my foolish ways and decided, after 13 years, to watch the Harry Potter films. Three weeks ago I watched the first one.

Warner Bros.

Read my recap of the Philosopher’s/Sorcerer’s Stone if you haven’t already.

ID: 3502999

3. Two weeks ago, I followed that up with Chamber of Secrets, mostly because it’s the second one.

Warner Bros.

Well, duh.

ID: 3503005

4. This week, I watched and live-tweeted everyone’s favourite film of the series. Here’s what I thought.

ID: 3502727

5. Ooh, new title style.

Warner Bros.

Suh fancy.

ID: 3503027

6. The film opens with Harry, now 13, under the covers playing with his wand.

Warner Bros.

As you do.

ID: 3503026

7. Meanwhile, Uncle Richard Griffith’s sister, Marge, comes to visit. She’s not particularly nice.

Warner Bros.

“Where’s Gary? Playing with his wand, I bet.”

ID: 3503025

8. “It’s Harry, Harry Potter.”

Warner Bros.

“It’s in the fucking title. Gosh.”

ID: 3503021

9. Marge trolls Harry like he’s a woman on YouTube.

Warner Bros.

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”

ID: 3503064

10. Which makes Harry all angsty.

Warner Bros.

Suh angsty.

ID: 3503020

11. He destroys her brandy snifter with his mind.

Warner Bros.

That’s the proper name for a brandy glass, kids!

ID: 3503023

12. Then he blows her up like Violet Beauregarde, only less purple.

Warner Bros.

Bloating is a real issue. If you have any of these symptoms, please see a doctor. Or at least stop eating bread.

ID: 3503022

13. Despite Uncle Richard Griffith’s best efforts, Marge floats up into the stratosphere and dies shortly after.

Warner Bros.

RIP Marge.

ID: 3503019

14. Because he’s a teenager, Harry kicks his desk.

Warner Bros.

“Lousy inanimate object!”

ID: 3503017

15. He decides he’s had enough of this Muggle shit, and runs away. He gets as far as the kerb.

Warner Bros.


ID: 3503100

16. Thankfully, the plot made allowances for this kind of rebellion, and the Knight Bus comes to get him.

Warner Bros.
ID: 3503107

Knight Bus! #iseewhatyoudidthere #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3503110

18. Harry tells the Knight Bus conductor that he’s on the run from the law, for murdering Marge.

Warner Bros.

“Murder? Cool, you must be Harry Potter.”

ID: 3503128

19. The conductor tells Harry about the escaped convict, Sirius Black, because plot.

Warner Bros.

“He’s a murderer. Like you!”

ID: 3503153

20. “Yes but what I really want to know is… why so Sirius?”

Warner Bros.


ID: 3503156

21. That joke is so bad the driver slams on the brakes and kicks Harry off the bus.

Warner Bros.

PSA: Wear your seatbelt, kids.

ID: 3503161

22. Harry finally gets to The Leaky Cauldron, where IAN GODDAMN BROWN is hanging out reading a well-worn copy of A Brief History of Time.

Warner Bros.

Best. Cameo. Ever.

ID: 3503204

23. For some reason a hunchback tries to give Harry bread.

Warner Bros.

“No thanks. Bloating is a real issue, you know.”

ID: 3503215

24. The Minister of Magic is at The Leaky Cauldron. Harry thinks he’s going to be punished.

Warner Bros.

“Why, if I punished every wizard who murdered someone, Azkaban would be full. To say good job on a murder well done, I’ve bought all your school books for you.”

ID: 3503220

25. “Crime does pay!”

Warner Bros.

Yes. It pays in books.

ID: 3503223

26. Ron and Hermione arrive.

Warner Bros.


ID: 3503235

27. Ron’s dad tells Harry to watch out for Sirius Black. He does this for plot reasons.

Warner Bros.

Cool poster, bro.

ID: 3503273

28. “Promise me you won’t go looking for Sirius Black.”

Warner Bros.

“I’m not kidding, Harry.”

ID: 3503514

29. “OK, I promise, but why so Sirius.”

Warner Bros.


ID: 3503517

30. “You are literally the worst. Never talk to me again.”

Warner Bros.

Strike 2.

ID: 3503524

31. They board the train to Hogwarts, where Hermione entertains the boys with some freestyle enunciation.

Warner Bros.

“Destroy the patriarchy!”

ID: 3503551

32. The film looks stunning, by the way.

Loving the look of this one. Cuarón is a genius. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3503616

33. But the train stops. And shit gets dark.

Warner Bros.

“There’s something moving out there. And I don’t mean emotionally.”

ID: 3503636

34. “You don’t think it could be…”

Warner Bros.

“I mean it couldn’t, could it? It couldn’t be them?”

ID: 3503696

35. This is still a kids film, right?

Warner Bros.

I’ll be behind the sofa. At your house.

ID: 3503763

36. “Dinosaurs!”

Warner Bros.

“Jeff Goldblum tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen!”

ID: 3503712

37. “Boy, I hate being right all the time.”

Universal Pictures.

Thanks, Sassy Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park.

ID: 3503753

38. BREAKING: Def not a dinosaur.

Warner Bros.

“Oh, hai guyz.”

ID: 3503783

39. “Ooh, are you Harry Potter?”

Warner Bros.

“Give us a kiss.”

ID: 3503790

40. “Quick, flare your nostrils at it!”

Warner Bros.

Surprisingly, this isn’t working.

ID: 3503808

41. At this point David Thewlis turns up to save the day.

Warner Bros.

“Pow, right in the kisser!”

ID: 3503819

42. Harry faints.

Warner Bros.

“What. Was. That. Thing?”

ID: 3503831

43. “It was a barber, Harry, you and Ron are in desperate need of a haircut.”

Warner Bros.

“Lol just kidding. It was a Dementor, searching for Sirius Black probs.”

ID: 3503842

44. “Did anyone else faint?”

Warner Bros.

“These pot brownies are really good, fyi.”

ID: 3503858

45. “No, I felt weird though, like I’d never be cheerful again.”

Warner Bros.

“Kind of like travelling on the Central Line at rush hour.”

ID: 3503865

Hogwarts! Within 25 mins. A new record. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3503922

47. Gambondore introduces everyone to the new teachers.

Warner Bros.

“I’d like to welcome Professor RJ Lupin, who is totes not a werewolf, honest.”

ID: 3503921

Thewlis is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher. Third in three years. I smell a theme! #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3503933

49. Gambondore also introduces a ban on hair products, which does not go down well in some circles.

Warner Bros.

“Potter. Potter! Is it true that you’ve got a supply of hair gel?”

ID: 3503947

50. Harry, Ron, and the some of the other boys experiment with drugs.

Warner Bros.

“I can’t seem to stop grinding my teeth.”

ID: 3503992

51. “Guys, is there steam coming out of my ears?”

Warner Bros.

“No, Harry, you’re tripping balls.”

ID: 3503995

52. By the way, Hogwarts looks so MAJESTIC in this film.

Warner Bros.

Like the whole film is one big tourism ad.

ID: 3504053

Hogwarts it's legitimately beautiful. Brb moving house. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3504061

54. In class, Emma Thompson demonstrates jazz hands.

Warner Bros.

“Like this, see!”

ID: 3504117

55. Hermione is unimpressed.

Warner Bros.

You can tell because shade.

ID: 3504126

56. Emma Thompson asks Ron to look at his tea leaves.

Warner Bros.

“It looks like a plot point, Miss.”

ID: 3504143

57. Giant Robbie Coltrane is teaching his first class.

Warner Bros.

“Go on, smell my fingers.”

ID: 3504207

58. Neville is being Neville. But that’s OK.

Warner Bros.

He gets the last laugh.

ID: 3504220

59. See?

Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images


ID: 3504240

60. Giant Robbie Coltrane introduces us to his pet Hippogriff, Buckbeak.

Warner Bros.

“Sup bro.”

ID: 3504334

61. Buckbeak takes Harry for a ride.

Warner Bros.

“I have GOT to get me one of these.”

ID: 3504370

62. “Jack, I’m flying!”

Warner Bros.

“Dude, my name is Buckbeak.”

ID: 3504378

63. Meanwhile Draco Hair Gel and the Shade Throwers are performing their new single.

Warner Bros.

“It’s Wizard Rock. You want to hear? We all play air keyboard.”

ID: 3504268

64. Unfortunately, the only thing worse than air keyboard is an entire air keyboard band.

Warner Bros.

“This one’s called ‘Can I Borrow a Keyboard?’”

ID: 3504319

65. Buckbeak is not impressed.

Warner Bros.

“Air keyboard is just the worst.”

ID: 3504404

66. Buckbeak kicks Draco Hair Gel, and everyone lulz. Everyone except Hermione.

Warner Bros.

“I hate air keyboard as much as the next Hippogriff, but we should totes take him to the hospital.”

ID: 3504448

67. Thus follows a whole scene about conquering fear, but the most important part is…Undercover Snape!

Warner Bros.

The best kind of Snape is a surprise Snape.

ID: 3504575

68. The students are all off to the nearby village of Hogsmeade, but not Harry, for reasons McGonagall explains in her delightful Scottish accent.

Warner Bros.

“Don’t fuck with me, Harry. I will break you.”

ID: 3504600

69. Harry is so emo right now.

Warner Bros.

“Balls to this, I’m off to listen to some Dashboard Confessional.”

ID: 3504629
Warner Bros. / BuzzFeed
ID: 3504668

71. Harry goes to see Lupin, who is definitely not a werewolf.

Warner Bros.

“Are you sure you’re not a werewolf? I mean your name is Lupin.”

ID: 3504715

@wordsbydan he's basically called "Wolfie Wolferson"

— Cat Smith (@cat_sierra)
ID: 3504797

73. “And your name is Potter.”

Warner Bros.

“Do you make pots?”

ID: 3504717

74. For totally non-werewolf reasons, Snape is covering Lupin’s class.

Warner Bros.

“But it’s a full moon, and…”

ID: 3504819

75. “Turn to page three hundred and ninety…”

Warner Bros.
ID: 3504829
Warner Bros.
ID: 3504831
Warner Bros.
ID: 3504835

78. “Four.”

Warner Bros.
ID: 3504842

"Your teacher finds himself incapable of teaching at the present time." Oh it's full moon. And p394 is about werewolves. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3504871

80. Harry’s all like, “I told you,” and Snape is all like, “Shut…”

Warner Bros.


ID: 3504902

81. And Hermione is all like.

Warner Bros.

Suh shadey.

ID: 3504911

82. Sportsball time!

Warner Bros.

Sweet goggles, bro.

ID: 3504936

83. Unfortunately no Wood in this film. So here’s an old one.

Warner Bros.


ID: 3504944

84. Harry’s shaft freezes.

Warner Bros.

Looks painful.

ID: 3504951

85. The Dementors attack, Harry falls off his broom, and Gambondore calls off the game.

Warner Bros.

“Give us a kiss, handsome goggles.”

ID: 3504997

86. After waking up in hospital (again), Harry asks Lupin to teach him how to fight off Dementors.

Warner Bros.

“I can teach you… but I’ll have to charge.”

ID: 3505049

87. At this point, Harry does some acting, and contemplates some heavy shit.

Warner Bros.

“What if when you drink beer, you’re just borrowing happiness from tomorrow?

ID: 3505134

88. With his brain hurting from too many thinks, he decides to sneak into Hogsmeade.

Warner Bros.

For plot reasons, the Weasley twins present him with an awesome secret map.

ID: 3505150

Srsly just wear the invisible cloak all the time. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3505154

90. In Hogsmeade, Harry sneaks into a room where he gets some terrible news.

Warner Bros.

“Milli Vanilli lip-synched the whole time.”

ID: 3505171

91. Oh, and also that Sirius Black is his godfather.

Warner Bros.

But that Milli Vanilli thing, wow.

ID: 3505180

92. Hermione and Ron find Harry crying.

Warner Bros.

“Harry, what is it?”

ID: 3505192

93. “They were lip-synching!”

Warner Bros.

Girl You Know It’s True is a ’90s pop classic! I can’t believe it. Oh, also Sirius Black betrayed my parents, but whatevs.”

ID: 3505214

94. “Oh I love Milli Vanilli. Almost as much as enunciating.”

Warner Bros.

“What are you all on about? Can we get on with the plot please?”

ID: 3505241

95. “Like that scary house over there. I bet that has something to do with the plot.”

Warner Bros.

“Nah. Probably not.”

ID: 3505285

96. “Here’s a plot point for you: I’m going to kill Sirius Black.”

Warner Bros.

“I’m going to kill him in the face. With murder.”

ID: 3505315

97. “Geez, Harry. Why so Sirius?”

Warner Bros.


ID: 3505328

98. “Oh, you guys.”

Warner Bros.

“I bloody love that joke.”

ID: 3505339

99. As promised, Lupin teaches Harry how to fight Dementors.

Warner Bros.

Unfortunately, Harry is rubbish at it.

ID: 3505397

100. Lupin tells Harry the happy thoughts he needs to conjure the Patronus Charm aren’t happy enough, and he needs to think of something else.

Warner Bros.

“Yeah OK. I’ve got something.”

ID: 3505418

101. “Expecto Patronum!”

Warner Bros.


ID: 3505430

102. Second-time charm’s a charm.

Warner Bros.
ID: 3505443

ICYMI: Harry shot some white stuff out of his wand. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3505444

104. “As a matter of interest, what were you thinking? Which memory did you choose?”

Warner Bros.

“Oh, you know. Wood.”

ID: 3505487

105. Studying the Marauder’s Map, Harry sees Peter Pettigrew walking the halls of Hogwarts.

Warner Bros.

The only problem with that is Peter Pettigrew is dead.

ID: 3505539

106. Sirius Black killed Pettigrew. Killed him right in the face.

Warner Bros.

Careful Harry, the torch app will drain your wand’s battery.

ID: 3505519

107. After a Snape encounter, Harry shows Lupin his map.

Warner Bros.

Sweet cardigan.

ID: 3505589

108. “Pettigrew’s alive?”

Twentieth Century Fox

“That’s unpossible.”

ID: 3505594

109. For attacking Draco, Buckbeak has been sentenced to death. Today is the day of his execution.

Warner Bros.

Shade ensues.

ID: 3505656

110. Dude from Soul Caliber is sharpening his blade.

Warner Bros.

Killing things is his second-favourite pastime. Sharpening comes first.

ID: 3505669

111. In retaliation, Hermione nearly kills Draco, but changes her mind.

Warner Bros.

She punches him in the nose instead.

ID: 3505697

112. Important reminder: Hermione is a badass.

Warner Bros.

Killer smirk, killer right hook.

ID: 3505728

113. Poor Buckbeak.

Warner Bros.


ID: 3505738

114. Thankfully the camera cuts away.

Warner Bros.

Because *sobs*.

ID: 3505750

115. Hermione seeks comfort in Ron’s shoulder.

Warner Bros.

“Please don’t let Harry ruin this.”

ID: 3505761

116. Until Harry “Third Wheel” Potter ruins it.

Warner Bros.

“Every. Fucking. Time.”

ID: 3505767

117. Ron plays with his pet rat instead.

Warner Bros.

“Scabbers never ruins anything.”

ID: 3505835

118. Then this dog shows up and drags Ron and Scabbers down a hole.

Warner Bros.


ID: 3505817

119. Sensing the need to get the finale started, Harry and Hermione follow along.

Warner Bros.

The hole leads to a tunnel which leads to the scary house, obvs.

ID: 3505889

120. It also leads to Sirius Black.

Warner Bros.

“Oh hai.”

ID: 3505903

121. Hermione, ever the badass, steps in front of Harry.

Warner Bros.

But Harry has other plans. Plans that involve murder.

ID: 3505930

122. Apparently there isn’t a dentist at Azkaban. Or a toothbrush. Or floss.

Warner Bros.

“Teethio fixum!” #amirite.

ID: 3505956

123. Lupin arrives and disarms Harry, before turning his attention to Black.

Warner Bros.

“Hello, old friend. Tell me, why so…”

ID: 3505999

124. “…Sirius?”

Warner Bros.


ID: 3506014

125. “Give us a hug, you handsome devil!”

Warner Bros.

Did not see that coming. OK maybe a little bit.

ID: 3506041

126. Hermione tells everyone she knows Lupin is a werewolf, because of course she did, because of course he is.

Warner Bros.

Called it.

ID: 3506075

127. Sirius explains that it totes wasn’t him. That it was in fact Peter Pettigrew who betrayed Harry’s parents.

Warner Bros.

Not only that, but Peter Pettigrew is somewhere in this very room!

ID: 3506128

128. And when you least expect him… Suprise Snape!

Warner Bros.

The best kind of Snape.

ID: 3506110

129. With everyone distracted, Harry goes in for the grope.

Warner Bros.

Totes inappropes.

ID: 3506144

130. Plot twist: Harry disarms Snape.

Warner Bros.

Bonus Hermione shade.

ID: 3506166

131. Harry demands to be shown where Peter Pettigrew is.

Warner Bros.

“He’s right there.”

ID: 3506179

132. “Hang on a minute, dickhead. My name’s Ron.”

Warner Bros.

“Ron Weasley.”

ID: 3506187

133. “Typical man, making it all about you.”

Warner Bros.

“I’m pointing at your rat.”

ID: 3506210


Warner Bros.

Definitely did not see that coming.

ID: 3506222

135. Sirius apologises for biting Ron.

Warner Bros.

“Normally I have a very sweet disposition as a dog. Your dad said I should make the change permanent, but I didn’t fancy it.”

ID: 3506255

"The tail I could live with. The dad jokes, they're murder." #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3506256

137. Sirius tells Harry to come and live with him.

Warner Bros.

“It’ll be fun. Siriusly.”

ID: 3506287

138. Umm. Guys. Full moon. Guys.

Warner Bros.

Sirus rushes to help Lupin.

ID: 3506313

"This heart is where you truly live!" I kind of love Sirius. Kind of a lot. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3506327

140. But it’s too late, and Pettigrew escapes as Lupin transforms.

Warner Bros.

“Oh hai, moon.”

ID: 3506347

141. Sirius tries to protect Harry, Ron, and Hermione from Lupin but he’s injured in the process.

Warner Bros.

The Dementors come for him.

ID: 3506376

142. Harry tries to help, but his Patronus is rubbish.

Warner Bros.

Sirius is about to die, when suddenly…

ID: 3506392

143. A kickass stag Patronus appears out of nowhere and fends off all the Dementors!

Warner Bros.

Fucking yes!

ID: 3506413

144. In the hospital, Hermione tells Harry that without Pettigrew, the Dementors are going to suck out Sirius’ soul.

Warner Bros.

And not in the good way.

ID: 3506449

145. Here’s Gambondore! Luckily he’s a badass too, and he has a plan.

Warner Bros.

“Three turns should do it!”

ID: 3506467

146. Hermione whips out her Time-Turner, and gives it three turns as instructed.

Warner Bros.

“Tha fuck?” – Me.

ID: 3506493

"This is a plot device, Harry. McGonagall gave it to me first term." #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3506497

148. Time travel?!

Universal Pictures


ID: 3506507

149. Rolling back the clock to a few hours earlier, they pull some Back to the Future Part II shenanigans on their past selves, and save Buckbeak.

Warner Bros.


ID: 3506543

150. Then they save their past selves from Lupin.

Warner Bros.


ID: 3506552

PSA: Don't throw rocks at werewolves #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3508431

152. And finally Harry conjures up a Patronus so DanRad it pwns all the Dementors.

Warner Bros.

It’s all in the enunciation.

ID: 3506587

153. I got a bit emotional.

Warner Bros.

I may have had tears in my eyes at this point.

ID: 3506598

154. Escaping on Buckbeak, Harry tells Hermione that it wasn’t his dad who conjured the Patronus, after all. It was him.

Warner Bros.

Hermione’s all like, “Yeah, dude, I know.”

ID: 3506619

155. Hermione breaks Sirius out of his jail cell.

Warner Bros.


ID: 3506639

156. Because he’s now a fugitive from justice, Sirius has to say good-bye to Harry.

Warner Bros.

“But know this, the ones who love us never really leave us.” *tears*

ID: 3506665

157. “Hi ho, Buckbeak!”

Warner Bros.

OK I’m officially in love with Sirius Black.

ID: 3506683

158. Back in the nick of time, Gambondore denies all knowledge of their secret adventure.

Warner Bros.

“Plausible deniability, bitches.”

ID: 3506729

159. And none for Ron Weasleys.

Warner Bros.

Not even a little bit.

ID: 3506742

160. Lupin also says good-bye. Werewolves in teaching positions are frowned upon, apparently.

Warner Bros.

Good-bye, Lupin, you marvellous bastard.

ID: 3506751

161. So Harry does what any teen boy would do.

Warner Bros.

Grabs his shaft firmly…

ID: 3506765

162. …and goes flying for a while.

Warner Bros.

The end.

ID: 3506771

163. In conclusion, I loved this film. Loved it. I loved Lupin, I loved Sirius. I loved the cinematography and the new Hogwarts. I loved Cuarón’s direction.

Warner Bros.

But mostly I loved Sirius.

ID: 3506775

164. So the plot had some holes. So what. It was as much fun as ride on a Hippogriff, and then some.

Warner Bros.

I can’t wait to watch Goblet of Fire.

ID: 3506774

Until next time... mischief managed. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
ID: 3506799

Check out more articles on!

Dan Dalton is a staff writer for BuzzFeed and is based in London.