2. I was 18 when the first Harry Potter film came out. I thought I was too old, too cool, and decided I’d never watch the films or read the books.
I was not too cool.
3. “What. An. Idiot.”
4. So, almost 13 years after the first film was released, I finally watched it. I also live-tweeted the whole thing.
5. At 31, I boarded the Hogwarts Express to Pottertown. Here is what I learned.
I realise that the Hogwarts Express does not actually stop at Pottertown, and that Pottertown may not be an actual place.
6. The film opens with a man in a pointy hat, a woman in a pointy hat, and Giant Robbie Coltrane kidnapping a baby.
7. Kidnappings always make Giant Robbie Coltrane sad.
8. “This boy will be famous, there won’t be a child in the world who won’t know his name. So let’s leave him on this doorstep.”
Baby got an owie.
9. The title card confirms I am watching a film about a boy wizard, and not something about human trafficking.
Oh, and the music is really good!
10. Then we meet Harry Potter. He’s now 11.
11. He makes faces like this.
12. And this.
13. He lives with his aunt and his Uncle Richard Griffiths. They are Muggles.
RIP Richard Griffiths.
Muggles are non-wizard folk, apparently.
15. They make Harry live in a cupboard under the stairs.
Just like living in London!
17. Uncle Richard Griffiths hates Harry. But he hates it even more when Harry gets letters. He tries to kill the letters with fire.
18. Uncle Richard Griffiths loves Sundays because “no post on Sundays!” But the mail owls haven’t organised into a union and therefore work Sundays.
19. To keep Harry from the letters, Uncle Richard Griffiths quite reasonably moves the entire family to a remote lighthouse where no one can find them.
20. Except Giant Robbie Coltrane, who comes to the rescue.
22. “A wizard? I’m…just Harry. Just Harry.”
No, you’re a wizard. Did you even read the book, bro?
23. Then Giant Robbie Coltrane threatens Uncle Richard Griffiths with an umbrella, and kidnaps Harry again.
Why they didn’t just keep him and raise him themselves in relative safety of Hogwarts and the several hundred wizards who reside there, instead condemning him to years of ridicule and abuse at the hands of his relatives, is anyone’s guess.
25. Giant Robbie Coltrane takes Harry to 1800s London to shop for school supplies.
27. The War Doctor is there, selling wands.
28. But he’s dressed as the Third Doctor.
29. Harry tries a couple of wands until he finds one that is thematically connected to the guy who murdered his parents, obvs.
It’s easy to guess the right wand as it comes with a built in halo/’80s wind machine.
30. Also it turns out Harry is legit a billionaire.
31. Giant Robbie Coltrane tells Harry how he got his scar.
32. Then he jumps through a wall and gets on a train, where he meets his new BFF, Ron.
33. “I’m Ron. Ron Weasley. I always introduce myself by saying only my first name, followed by both my first and last names. You try it.”
34. “I’m Harry. Harry Potter. Wow, yeah that’s a really cool way to say your name.”
35. “Harry Potter?! Weren’t you kidnapped twice?”
36. “Yes but I’m legit a billionaire now. Here, let me buy your friendship.”
38. Then Emma Watson shows up.
39. “Emma Watson?”
Yes but not adult Emma Watson. This Emma Watson does not work for the U.N., and has yet to be face-palmed by JLaw.
40. She fixes Harry’s glasses, and he realises he should have made friends by doing magic instead of spending several thousand pounds on sweets.
42. Six hours into the film, we finally arrive at Hogwarts.
Hogwarts is pretty badass, tbf.
43. Once inside we meet Draco Hair Gel and his band of shade throwers.
“Do you even know how much hair gel I use, Potter? Loads. I use loads of hair gel.”
44. And we are reminded that Hermione knows everything.
“I read it in the script.”
45. And also that she really loves to enunciate.
46. And also that her shade game is strong.
47. Hans Gruber!
48. Something about a Sorting Hat. I really needed the bathroom at this point.
So did Harry.
49. They go to some classes. Like Maggie Smith’s “How to do a delightful Scottish accent” class.
50. And Alan Rickman’s “Talk without moving your lips 101”.
52. Harry discovers he is good at flying, which leads us to the highlight of the film this far: this hunk.
Wood is the house sportsball captain, and a total dreamboat.
53. Wood shows Harry his balls.
“This one goes in your mouth.”
54. Wrestles his balls.
55. And generally schools him in the ways of sportsball.
58. Meanwhile, in class.
“Have you seen me enunciate?”
59. When Ron is rude, Hermione runs away. Only Neville knows where she is.
“She’s in the girls’ bathroom. A bit backed up I hear.”
60. P.S. Neville looks like this now.
61. “TROLLLLLLLLLLLL IN THE DUNGEON!”
Oh yeah, they fight off a troll at some point, but this is the only part worth GIFing. Ian Hart should be in more things.
62. Anyway, now they are all friends. Time for…
63. This is the captain of the opposing team. He’s a bad guy. You can tell because he has bad teeth.
65. Harry spends most of the game showing us his acting range.
“Look at me act, bitches! I’m acting so hard right now.”
66. During the game Hermione decides to protest against the patriarchy, and sets a dude on fire.
68. At which point Harry swallows the ball and wins the game.
69. The game is followed by a bunch of exposition.
70. And then it’s Christmas, because magic. Ron gets a sweater with an R on it for some reason.
71. Harry gets an invisibility cloak, because plot.
“Quick, to the girl’s showers!”
72. Hermione gets more shade to throw.
73. She tries to move the plot on a bit by enunciating some more, but this just gets them in detention.
74. Detention is in the Dark Forest with Giant Robbie Coltrane.
75. “The Dark Forest? Isn’t it dark in there? And foresty?”
77. Giant Robbie Coltrane fingers a unicorn.
78. “Go on, smell my fingers!”
79. After which the gang split up for some reason.
80. Harry is great to have around, because his scar hurts when it’s about to rain.
82. Oh look! The bad guy!
Before the bad guy can attack Harry, he is scared off by…
83. EXPOSITION CENTAUR!
85. The next day, the gang try to do a badass walk. Hermione nails it, but Harry is messing it up for Ron.
“You okay, Harry?”
“It’s my scar. I think it’s about to rain.”
86. Oh yeah, the plot.
87. “I’m afraid Professor Dumbledore isn’t here.”
88. “You want to be careful. People will think you’re…”
91. “…UP to something.”
92. Approx. 18 hours after the film started, the gang decide to get on with the big finale and sneak out. Neville tries to stop them with his pyjamas.
My next fancy-dress costume, FYI.
94. Then things get weird.
Never google “tentacle porn”. Not ever.
95. Hermione has read about tentacle porn in a book, and knows the exact spell for this situation.
Hermione is clearly the best character, by the way.
96. “It’s a chessboard!”
CHESS! SEE I TOLD YOU.
97. “You don’t suppose this will be like real wizard’s chess, do you?”
“Nope! It’s FUCKING MURDER CHESS!”
98. It’s all fun and games until Ron legitimately gets hit in the face by shrapnel.
99. Seriously, look. Here it is in slow motion.
The debris cuts his face under the eye. Hermione goes to find a representative of the actors union to complain about mistreatment of a minor. Harry goes on alone.
100. It was Ian Hart the whole time!
“ARGH I’M AN UNDERUSED ACTOR WHO SHOULD BE IN MORE THINGS!”
101. “Stop just standing there with your arms by your sides, it’s really unnerving.”
102. “You mean like this?”
103. “Yes it’s really unnerving. Right, fuck this shit, I’m taking off my turban.”
104. Turbans: good for when there is a person growing out of the back of your head.
You wanna get that seen to, pal.
105. My name is Harry, Harry Potter. You killed my mother and father. Prepare to die!
Well, this escalated quickly.
106. Um. Then Harry Potter legit murders a dude.
Like really murders a guy. This is dark as fuck.
107. Dumbledore rewards his crime with jelly beans.
108. “With the stone gone, does that mean Voldemort can never come back?”
(Oh yeah, this whole film involved a stone, which I forgot to mention. It’s in the title. It gets destroyed, obvs.)
109. “Nope, there are seven more films to go!”
RIP Richard Harris.
110. “We were going to give the house cup to Slytherin, but Harry Potter legit murdered a dude, so Gryffindor wins!”
Everyone wins with murder!
111. “Do you think we’ll get to kill things next year?”
114. In conclusion, I’m a Potter convert. I now understand 90% more of the internet, and can’t believe it took me this long to start watching them.
I’m also a Wood convert.