2. If you missed it, I’d never seen a Harry Potter film until last week, when I watched Philosopher/Sorcerer’s Stone for the first time.
If you haven’t read that post, start with that, we’ll wait for you.
3. This week, I watched the second one and live-tweeted it. Here is what I learned.
4. Dum dum de dum dum, dum dummmmmmmm dum…
You just sang the theme out loud.
5. The film opens with Harry telling Uncle Richard Griffiths how deep his voice is.
“Listen. My voice is bitchin’ deep right now.”
6. But Uncle Richard Griffiths does not give a shit about puberty.
“I’m going to squint at you like this until you go to your room, which we gave you because you murdered that one guy.”
7. Harry goes to the room he got after murdering that one guy, and finds he has a visitor.
9. “Now is not a good time for third person.”
It’s never a good time for third person.
10. Dobby tells Harry not to go back to Hogwarts.
“Why the fuck can’t I go back to Hogwarts? I’ve learned how to use my hands, and my voice is bitchin’ deep.”
11. “Something to do with the plot, I guess?”
12. “You guess?”
13. “I didn’t really read the script. Sorry. Bye.”
14. Then Harry does some acting.
15. Ron and his brothers are out joyriding in a magical flying car and decide to kidnap Harry because at this point he hasn’t been kidnapped in ages.
Yay, kidnap! Again!
17. They do not take him to Hogwarts, because that would mean getting on with the plot.
Weasley Manor. Built by the same drunks who built Gringotts.
18. Ginny can’t believe how deep Harry’s voice is.
19. But Julie Walters is super pissed that they have to spend half an hour at the start of the film not being at Hogwarts.
“This film is two and a half hours long. We don’t have time for fucking whimsy!”
20. Now it’s Ron’s turn to do some acting.
21. In protest, CGI Ron kills himself with green fire.
“There is ALWAYS time for whimsy!”
22. And Harry channels Bill Bixby.
23. Bill Bixby. From the Incredible Hulk TV series. See?
“You won’t like me when I’m acting.”
“Oh. Good joke.”
“I know, right. Lol.”
24. They go to the 1800s to buy school supplies (because who doesn’t love back-to-school shopping), but Harry gets lost.
25. Giant Robbie Coltrane to the rescue.
“Just don’t tell anyone about that unicorn thing in the last film, OK?”
26. Hermione is there, enunciating.
27. “It’s Harry. Harry Potter.”
Then Hermione does the glasses fixing thing she did in the first film, because she is clearly the only one capable of remember spells.
28. Meanwhile, at the bookshop: It’s Rex Manning Day!
Say no more, mon amour!
29. Everyone loves Rex Manning Day.
30. Everyone except Draco Hair Gel.
“You call that a hair style, Potter?”
31. “Don’t you fucking ruin Rex Manning Day!”
32. And then Draco’s dad, Luscious Locks, turns up, and it all gets a bit serious.
“You must be Harry Potter. Have you seen my hair, Potter? Glorious, isn’t it?”
33. But we musn’t dwell. No, not today. We can’t!
34. Cut to Kings Cross, where Harry attempts to murder Hedwig’s stunt double in a high-speed trolley accident.
“What the fuck? This is not a hoot, I’ll tell you that for free.”
35. With the portal at Kings Cross not working (because plot), Ron and Harry steal a car and fly to Hogwarts.
“Do you even drive, bro?”
36. They attempt to follow the train, but can’t seem to find it.
“Guys. The train is right behind us. Guys. Train. Guys!”
37. After five or six more shenanigans, they finally arrive at Hogwarts. The car decides to run away.
38. Ron and Harry are in trouble for stealing a car.
“I don’t care how bitchin’ deep your voice is. You are in all of the trouble.”
39. Not to mention…
40. “Chill out, Severus, this is Harry Potter. Last year we let him legit murder a dude, so stealing a car is nothing. He can basically do what he wants.”
Maggie Smith shade!
41. In class they are learning about Mandrakes, which of course Hermione already knows all about.
“Didn’t anyone else read the script?”
43. Of course, none of this is foreshadowing.
And nowhere near as important as the fact that…
44. REX MANNING IS THE NEW DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER.
In no way can this go wrong.
45. Now every day is Rex Manning Day!
46. Something about pixies.
Or was it fairies? Gremlins?
47. Reminder: Hermione is a badass.
In a school of wizards and witches, she’s the only one who can actually do magic.
49. Turns out Draco Hair Gel is now a seeker too.
“Look how much shade the guy behind me can throw, Potter. Suh much!”
50. “Yes, but can you make this face?”
51. “Like this?”
52. “Guess that’s a no then.”
53. “Yeah, well you can’t do this.”
54. “Touché. But have you ever seen me enunciate?”
55. Then Draco calls Hermione a BAD WORD. She tells Giant Robbie Coltrane.
“There, there. What was it he said?”
56. “He called me an ‘over-enunciator’. It’s not a term one usually hears in polite conversation.”
A bit mean, yes. But not entirely untrue.
57. Meanwhile Harry is doing detention with Rex Manning.
“Have you even seen Empire Records tho?”
58. On his way back to the dorm, Harry strokes a wall.
“I fucking love walls.”
59. But then this happens and everyone thinks he wrote it, because he loves walls so much.
Also, the Chamber of Secrets has been opened, etc.
60. “It wasn’t even me. I love walls. I’d never write on one.”
61. “That may be so, Potter. But have you seen how far I can raise my eyebrow?”
62. “This high.”
Oh yeah, Hermione wants to make a potion or something. It will take a month. Which can only mean one thing…
Classic #sportsball face.
64. Important: Wood grips his wood with two hands.
65. Draco and Harry fight it out for the snitch.
“You’ll never catch me, Potter. Thanks to this hair gel, I’m so goddamn aerodynamic right now.”
66. But Harry gets it. Yay.
“You are so going in my mouth later. Just like old times.”
67. Meanwhile, Hermione is busy brewing something up in the girls bathroom.
Not a euphemism.
68. There is also a ghost floating around in there.
Not a euphemism.
70. When a student is petrified, Rex Manning decides to teach the students how to duel.
First rule of Duel Club: Don’t talk about Duel Club. Second rule of Duel Club: Don’t duel Snape. He’ll mess up your day.
74. Harry duels Draco. Long story short, it turns out Harry can talk to snakes.
75. “Harry, do you know what this means?”
No, but I bet you do.
So smooth. So vertical.
78. Harry is summoned to see Dumbledore.
“I have GOT to get me one of these.”
79. “Dumbledore? It’s me, Harry. Harry Potter.”
“So. Many. Walls.”
80. Dumbledore introduces Harry to his Phoenix, Fawkes.
82. “Hey, remember the potion I was making? Well, it’s ready.”
About time. This film has already been going on for six hours.
83. Ron and Harry take the plot-device potion and question Draco about the Chamber of Secrets, but he has other things on his mind.
“Is this hair gel? Can I borrow it?”
84. Hermione’s dose of potion goes wrong though.
85. Luckily, Moaning Myrtle gives Harry a diary.
“What the balls kind of middle name is Marvolo?”
86. Harry asks the diary about the Chamber of Secrets. Cue flashback showing the first time the Chamber was opened, 50 years ago.
87. Turns out Tom Silly-Middle-Name Riddle helped close the chamber last time, and that Young Giant Robbie Coltrane had something to do with it.
“Marvolo was the dog’s name, if you must know.”
88. Then Wood turns up with no warning.
Doesn’t it always. #wood4Wood
89. While we were distracted by Wood, Hermione went and got herself petrified.
You’d be forgiven for thinking Harry had been petrified too, but that’s just his delivery. Lol.
91. Using the invisibility cloak, Harry and Ron question Hagrid.
“How many walls are there in the Chamber of Secrets? I fucking love walls.”
92. Then there is this long bit where they have to go to into the Dark Forest. It involves spiders.
94. Thankfully the magic flying car from earlier on turns up to save them from the many hundreds of giant spiders I refuse to screengrab.
95. With Hermione gone, Ron and Harry try and work out WTF is going on in this film.
Turns out the answer is “giant snake”.
96. “Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?”
Oh fuck off, Indiana Jones. Go back to the naughty corner and think about what you’ve done.
97. Oh no! Ginny Weasley has been taken into the Chamber of Secrets.
98. Rex Manning will save Ginny!
Or he’ll just run away. Probably the second one.
99. “You’re a phoney, Rex Manning.”
100. “Why don’t you all just fade away.”
101. Harry and Ron kidnap Rex Manning and decide that they should just ask Moaning Myrtle where the Chamber is.
“Oh, that Chamber of Secrets. Why didn’t you ask in the first place? It’s over there, in that sink.”
103. Oh yes, there it is. In the room they’ve been hanging out in all film. Right there. This whole time.
Where is Hermione when you need her? Srsly.
104. Ron kicks Rex Manning down into the Chamber, and then bashes him over the head with a rock.
Yay, assault with a deadly weapon!
105. Harry forges on ahead.
106. Oh, hi Tom!
“It was Ginny the whole time.”
107. Goddamnit, Ginny.
You had one job. It wasn’t this.
108. J/k it was me really.
Goddamnit, Tom! With your handsome visage and delightful sneer.
109. “Look, you know how I’ve got that silly middle name?”
Cool font, bro.
111. “What do you think? I’ve been workshopping it a little.”
“Actually, never mind. Meet my giant snake!”
112. “Oh hai! I’m a giant snake. I sure hope a phoenix doesn’t turn up, give you sword, and claw my eyes out.”
Yeah… Both those things happen.
Five points for your house if you got that reference.
115. “Have some of that, scaley-bollocks!”
116. “Shit. He’s only gone and slaughtered a sentient creature with the capacity to feel pain.”
“Let’s hope he doesn’t think to stab that book.”
117. “Pow, bitches!”
118. “What’s happening? Did someone just open the Ark of the Covenant? You should have fucking said!”
119. “Wait! Before I go, have you seen my ‘Earth Song’ dance?”
*sings* “Did you ever stop to notice all the blood we’ve shed before?”
120. “You were brilliant, Fawkes. But the bloody snake got me. Game over, man, game over.”
“Chill brosef, my tears heal stuff. We foreshadowed all this earlier.”
121. “Is that it now? This film is really long.”
122. Lol, no.
“There are another three endings yet, Harry.”
123. “Not so fast! It is I, Luscious Locks. My hair is incredible.”
“And look at this lighting. Do you have lighting as good as this?”
124. “Um…no. No I don’t.”
125. “I didn’t think so. Your hair is nothing. Nothing!”
126. “Wait up, give this book to Dobby. I’ve hidden a sock in it. If you give him the book, he’ll be free.”
127. “Dobby is free!”
128. “Look how wide I can flare my nostrils though!”
129. “Dobby has had enough of you. Get a haircut, hippy.”
Pow, right in the kisser.
131. Then Hermione comes back.
“I heard you got to bash a guy with a rock? And slaughter an innocent creature?”
132. “Yes, we did both those things!”
133. “I’m so happy for you. Violent crime is the best.”
134. “Exams are cancelled. Let’s get wasted!”
“I’ve been drinking since lunchtime. Yesterday.”
136. In conclusion, Chamber of Secrets wasn’t as good as the first film, but I enjoyed it all the same. It could have done with more Hermione in the last hour.