This Is What It’s Like To Watch “Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire” For The First Time

The one where everyone needs a haircut.

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2. The story thus far: I’m 31 and watching Harry Potter for the first time. Because I was wrong for too long.

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A bit like Harry’s hair.

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3. This week I watched and live-tweeted the fourth film in the series, Goblet of Fire.

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4. Hit play to set the scene.

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5. Harry Potter and the Super Dark Title Card.

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So dark.

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6. The film opens with Harry dreaming about the Doctor, who seems to be talking to 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Voldemort.

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Siriusly though, who hasn’t had a dream about Ten?

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7. Harry is woken by the pressing need for a haircut.

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Also by Hermione.

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8. Hermione then wakes up Ron, who rushes to cover his ghastly vest.

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Shame you can’t cover up that hair, pal.

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9. They meet up with Amos Diggory and his son, Cedric, who was hiding in a tree for some reason.

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Surprise, bitches!

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No-one explains why Cedric was in the tree #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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11. “It’s Harry. Harry Potter.”

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“Like the book.”

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12. They find what they were looking for. It’s a boot.

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“I knew something was afoot, but this is ridiculous.”

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13. Turns out the boot is something called a Portkey, which is like public transport but for wizards.

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Bet this won’t be relevant later in the film.

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14. The boot takes them to the Quidditch World Cup.

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15. Luscious Locks is also there with Draco Hair Gel, handing out sick burns.

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Cool hair, bro.

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16. There is a tournament. Harry is knocked out for plot reasons. He wakes up to find it’s all gone a bit “Earth Song”.

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You are now singing “Earth Song” in your head.

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17. David Tennant is there, showing off his excellent teeth.

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“Check out these bad boys! Just had them bleached. Expensive but totes worth it.”

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18. On the train, Harry bumps into a regulation hottie.

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Oh hai!

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19. Harry shows her his blue steel.

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Sixty percent of the time, it works every time. This is not one of those times.

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20. Hermione tells Harry he should write to Sirius, to tell him about all the rhyming and what not.

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She communicates this entirely with her eyebrows.

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21. Sure, I’ll write him a letter. And put his name right on the front. It’s not as if he’s a fugitive or anything.

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“Dear Godfather, why so Sirius? Lol. Love Harry xoxo”

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22. Hogwarts!

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Hogwarts within 15 minutes. Excellent. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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24. Gambondore welcomes everyone to a new school year.

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“This year we have a new set designer, and you’ll notice the hall is slightly smaller than in previous films.”

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25. “Ah yes. I’m positively ecstatic to announce Mr Filch’s running club.”

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“Any guesses as to what it’s called?”

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26. “Jogwarts.”

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27. Turns out Hogwarts is playing host to the Triwizard Tournament this year.

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“Triwizard Tournament? Sounds like some kind of…tournament. One that involves three wizards.”

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28. The ladies from Beauxbatons Academy announce their arrival with dance.

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As you do.

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29. The camera lingers on this shot for some reason.

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It’s all gone a bit Pippa Middleton.

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Nothing like a bit of light objectification of teenage school girls to kick off the new term #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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31. Then the boys from the Durmstrang Institute turn up with their big staffs, making everyone feel inadequate.

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“We’re going to need a bigger staff.”

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32. “Did someone say Biggerstaff?”

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33. Viktor Krum!

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Cool hat, bro.

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34. Hermione is more of a fan of this turn of events.

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Krum like it hot.

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35. Then this chap shows up. His name is Mad-Eye Moody.

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“Bloody hell, it’s Mad Eye Moody.” “Why do they call him that” “Well his name is Moody, and he’s got a Mad Eye.” #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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37. Mr Crouch explains the new rules about the Triwizard Tournament.

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“No one under 17 may enter. And no one in desperate need of a haircut.”

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38. This causes uproar, so Gambondore puts on an enunciation master class.

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39. And then introduces the Goblet of Fire.

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Just like in the title!

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40. Moody explains that there are three Unforgivable Curses, and asks if anyone knows why they are called that.

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“Because they’re unforgivable.”

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41. Using a spider-crab thing as a test subject, he demonstrates the Imperious Curse, which allows you to control someone else.

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Spider crab, spider crab, does what ever a NOPE #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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43. Next, the Cruciatus Curse, which is used to torture.

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A bit like puberty.

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44. And finally the Killing Curse.

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You know, for murder.

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45. Once everyone has put their names in the Goblet, it’s time for the Goblet to choose three names.

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He’s all sweaty because brooding.

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46. Viktor Krum, obvs.

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Who is at least 25, by the way. Look at those pecs.

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47. Hermione has noticed his generally impressive chest area.

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“We aim to please, Ms Granger.”

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48. Second name out of the Goblet is Fleur Delacour.

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Totally don’t have a crush Fleur Delacourt, in case you were wondering. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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50. And finally, CedDig.

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Everything’s coming up Diggory!

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51. But wait.

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The Goblet isn’t done yet.

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52. A fourth name?

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53. The Goblet spits out Harry’s name. Gambondore is pissed.

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“Did you put your name in the Goblet? With that haircut?”

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54. “We have to let him compete.”

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“It’s in the script.”

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55. After Harry writes to tell his Sirius about the tournament, Sirius speaks to Harry through a fireplace.

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Siriusly, he talks to him through a fireplace. Look.

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56. Ron isn’t talking to Harry for plot reasons. Hermione acts as a go-between.

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“Ron says you need a haircut.”

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57. “Yeah? Well, tell Ron he needs a haircut.”

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58. Ron doesn’t understand that it’s hard to look tough while wearing not one, but two shit sweaters.

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Ron shade. Points for effort.

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59. Giant Robbie Coltrane tells Harry that the first round involves dragons.

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Not in the good way.

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60. Harry runs to tell Cedric about the dragons, because he’s nice like that. Also because swoon.

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“Dragons? Are you serious?”

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61. “No, I’m Harry.”

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“Harry Potter.”

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62. Draco Hair Gel and the Shade Throwers threaten to perform their new single.

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“It’s called, ‘Can I Borrow Your Hair Gel?’”

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63. But Moody is not a fan, and turns Draco into a ferret.

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“Air keyboard is worst. The worst!”

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64. Round one of the tournament, and the four pick tiny dragons out of a bag.

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“I have to fight this?”

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65. Harry’s dragon is a Hungarian Horntail, the scariest and meanest dragon of the bunch.

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You know, because plot!

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66. Turns out Harry is shit at fighting dragons.

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“I’d say this rocks, but I’d be lying.”

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67. His friends can barely look.

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“It’ll probably be OK, his name’s in the title.”

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68. Harry summons his Firebolt and gets out of there.

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Broom broom.

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69. The Horntail gives chase.

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“I hope this fight doesn’t drag on.”

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70. After a minute or two of broom-based hijinks, Harry manages to murder the dragon with a bridge.

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Right in the face.

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71. “Yes!”

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“Right in the face!”

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72. Harry claims his prize, a golden egg, which contains a clue to the second round of the tournament.

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Only problem is he can’t open it without it deafening everyone. Or elbowing Fred in the face.

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73. Harry’s tournament success is winning him some admirers.

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“I wanna know what love is, I want you to Cho me.”

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74. Harry is coping well with the attention.

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“If dribbling is cool, you can call me Miles Davis.”

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75. It’s almost time for the school dance. Yay!

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Important reminder: Hermione is a delight.

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The second round of the Tri-Wizard Tournament appears to involve trying to get a date to school dance. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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77. Ron and Harry are not having much luck.

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Ravenclaw shade < Gryffindor shade.

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78. But Hermione is not struggling at all. Not even a little bit.

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“I am fucking glorious. Of course I have a date.”

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79. Harry finally plucks up the courage to ask someone.

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“Will you Cho to the dance with me?”

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80. “Sorry, someone already asked me.”

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“Great punning though.”

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81. Harry finds him and Ron some last-minute dates, who don’t seem to have names.

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Long story short, Cedric took Cho, Neville went with Ginny, and Hermione…

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82. Is all growed up!

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83. She went with Krum, obvs.

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“Ms Granger, I do believe you’re making my palm twitch.”

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84. Surprise Cocker!

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Surprise Cocker is the best kind of Cocker.

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85. Like most things in life, the dance ends in tears.

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Godammit Ron.

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86. Harry asks Hermione if Krum has figured out the egg.

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“We don’t actually talk much. Viktor’s more of a…physical being.”

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88. “Lol no, he mostly watches me study. It’s a bit weird.”

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89. CedDig turns up and offers Harry a hint in return.

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“Take a bath, Potter. You stink.”

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90. “That’s really mean and hurts my feels.”

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“I’m trying out this vegan deodorant and it’s not going well.”

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91. Harry has zero fucks to give for water conservation, but bubbles are another story.

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So sensual.

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92. Sure enough, he opens the egg underwater, and can hear the clue clearly.

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“It’s in the lake, dumbass. Everyone is going, you could have just followed them.”

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93. Then Moaning Myrtle turns up and tries to check out Harry’s Trou-Wizard Tournament and it’s a bit creepy.

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Cool wand, bro.

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94. Harry asks Neville for tips on being tall.

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“Some us have it, Harry. Some don’t.”

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95. “Some of us really have it.”

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96. This round requires the boys to wear loose-fitting clothing, while Fleur has to wear a skintight silver swimsuit.

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97. After five minutes of swimming around being objectified, Fleur retires from the challenge in protest.

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Down with the patriarchy, etc.

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98. Krum, dressed as a shark, turns up to rescue Hermione.

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“Don’t bite your lip, Hermione. I want to bite it for you.”

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99. Leaving Harry to save Ron, and Fleur’s sister.

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Which he manages, despite some fishy dealings.

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100. For being all brave and shit, Harry gets promoted from last to second place.

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Second: First place for people who didn’t win.

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101. There’s no time to celebrate though, because someone kills Mr Crouch. Harry is called to Gambondore’s office.

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102. Finding himself alone in Gambondore’s office, Harry does what any teenage boy would do.

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He has a flashback!

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103. Using Gambondore’s flashback machine, Harry sees Karkarov ratting out fellow Death Eaters for a reduced sentence.

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“Did you know the Doctor is a Death Eater.”

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104. Looking fancy in his fancy flashback suit, the Doctor tries to escape.

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Try and sonic screwdriver your way out of this one, pal.

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105. He is arrested and sent to Azkaban.

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Please stop doing that with your tongue. (Said no one, ever.)

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106. With the flashback over, Harry tells Gambondore that he’s seen David Tennant before…

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“I had a dream about him. He was called The Doctor. He had a blue phone box that he travelled around in.” #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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108. On his way back to his dorm, Harry encounters Snape.

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Who accuses him of stealing Polyjuice potion from his store.

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109. “Don’t lie to me. This is Veritaserum, three drops of this and you’d tell me anything. The use of it on students is…”

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112. “Regrettably forbidden.”

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113. Everyone gathers for the final challenge.

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114. First one to retrieve the cup from the maze, wins.

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“Will you start the fans, please!”

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115. Filch fires the cannon prematurely.

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“This is why I’m single.”

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116. In the maze, Krum has been put under the Imperius Curse, and takes out Fleur.

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The maze eats Fleur. Not in the good way.

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117. Harry has the cup in his sights, but stops to save CedDig.

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“Come on, we’ll do it together. The cup, I mean.”

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118. They touch the cup at the same time…

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…and boom!

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Plot twist: The cup was a port key! #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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120. They land in the graveyard Harry saw in his dream.

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“Careful, I think it’s about to rain.”

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121. Timothy Spall turns up, carrying 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Voldemort.

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“Sup bro.”

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122. And Harry can only watch in horror…

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123. As his friend is murdered by Timothy Spall.

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RIP Cedric.

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Guys. Guys. This got dark. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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125. Harry is captured. Timothy Spall takes some of his blood and drops it in the cauldron.

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“But…now I’ll never know…why he was in the tree.”

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126. He drops 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Voldemort into the cauldron.

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So tiny.

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127. And from the flames, full-size Voldemort appears.

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128. Voldemort summons his former Death Eaters, including Luscious Locks.

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“Your hair… Still luscious, I see.”

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129. And introduces himself to the Boy Who Lived.

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“We meet at last, Gary Potter.”

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“I’m going to kill you, Harry Potter.” Doubt it. Four more films to go, chief. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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131. Voldemort and Harry duel, their wands locking together in a fancy CGI way.

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So fancy.

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132. “I’m gonna tell everyone you’ve got no nose. When people ask how you smell, I’ll say…”

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“Terrible. Lol.”

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134. The ghosts of Harry’s parents appear, and tell him they’ll distract Voldemort so he can get to the Port Key.

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Is someone chopping onions?

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135. Then Cedric’s ghost appears, and asks Harry to take his body back to his father.

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So. Many. Feels.

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136. Harry makes it to Cedric’s body, and zaps them back to the tournament.

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The crowd cheers.

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137. But one by one…

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138. They begin to realise…

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139. That something is terribly, terribly wrong.

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140. Gambondore rushes to Harry.

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“He’s back. Voldemort. He’s back.”

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141. “That’s my son… That’s my boy…”

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*Accio tissues*

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142. In the commotion, Mad-Eye Moody takes Harry Potter away from the crowd.

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And locks them in his office.

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143. “Tell me about the Dark Lord, Harry. What was he like?”

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“He hasn’t got a nose, I can tell you that much.”

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144. And then the proverbial ball drops.

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Ohhh. Tongue thing. I see where this is going… #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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146. Gambondore!

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Through the door, door!

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Siriusly though, the tongue thing. It’s weird, stop it.

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148. Gambondore delivers Cedric’s eulogy.

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“He did not move to Forks. He was murdered by Voldemort.”

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149. And he tells Harry something we all need to hear.

“You have friends here. You’re not alone.” Same to all of you out there. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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150. Fleur and Krum say their good-byes.

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“Are you smirking at me, Mr Krum?”

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151. “Write to me.”

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“Laters, babe.”

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152. “Don’t be sad, Hermione. Maybe he’ll visit.”

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“Sad? My inner goddess is jumping up and down right now.”

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153. The gang gathers so Ron can ask a silly question.

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“Do you think we’ll ever have a quiet year at Hogwarts?”

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154. “I doubt it, mate.”

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“Because plot.”

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155. In summary, I thought this was excellent, if not as good as Azkaban; it certainly upped the stakes. Voldemort coming back, Cedric’s death… It was quite a punch to the gut!

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Can’t wait to see what the series has in store next.

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The end. #finallywatchingHP

— Daniel Dalton (@wordsbydan)
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Dan Dalton is a staff writer for BuzzFeed and is based in London.