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This Is What It’s Like To Watch “Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire” For The First Time

The one where everyone needs a haircut.

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2. The story thus far: I’m 31 and watching Harry Potter for the first time. Because I was wrong for too long.

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A bit like Harry’s hair.

4. Hit play to set the scene.

5. Harry Potter and the Super Dark Title Card.

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So dark.

6. The film opens with Harry dreaming about the Doctor, who seems to be talking to 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Voldemort.

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Siriusly though, who hasn’t had a dream about Ten?

7. Harry is woken by the pressing need for a haircut.

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Also by Hermione.

8. Hermione then wakes up Ron, who rushes to cover his ghastly vest.

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Shame you can’t cover up that hair, pal.

9. They meet up with Amos Diggory and his son, Cedric, who was hiding in a tree for some reason.

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Surprise, bitches!

11. “It’s Harry. Harry Potter.”

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“Like the book.”

12. They find what they were looking for. It’s a boot.

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“I knew something was afoot, but this is ridiculous.”

13. Turns out the boot is something called a Portkey, which is like public transport but for wizards.

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Bet this won’t be relevant later in the film.

14. The boot takes them to the Quidditch World Cup.

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Sportsball!

15. Luscious Locks is also there with Draco Hair Gel, handing out sick burns.

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Cool hair, bro.

16. There is a tournament. Harry is knocked out for plot reasons. He wakes up to find it’s all gone a bit “Earth Song”.

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You are now singing “Earth Song” in your head.

17. David Tennant is there, showing off his excellent teeth.

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“Check out these bad boys! Just had them bleached. Expensive but totes worth it.”

18. On the train, Harry bumps into a regulation hottie.

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Oh hai!

19. Harry shows her his blue steel.

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Sixty percent of the time, it works every time. This is not one of those times.

20. Hermione tells Harry he should write to Sirius, to tell him about all the rhyming and what not.

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She communicates this entirely with her eyebrows.

21. Sure, I’ll write him a letter. And put his name right on the front. It’s not as if he’s a fugitive or anything.

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“Dear Godfather, why so Sirius? Lol. Love Harry xoxo”

22. Hogwarts!

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24. Gambondore welcomes everyone to a new school year.

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“This year we have a new set designer, and you’ll notice the hall is slightly smaller than in previous films.”

25. “Ah yes. I’m positively ecstatic to announce Mr Filch’s running club.”

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“Any guesses as to what it’s called?”

26. “Jogwarts.”

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Lol.

27. Turns out Hogwarts is playing host to the Triwizard Tournament this year.

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“Triwizard Tournament? Sounds like some kind of…tournament. One that involves three wizards.”

28. The ladies from Beauxbatons Academy announce their arrival with dance.

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As you do.

29. The camera lingers on this shot for some reason.

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It’s all gone a bit Pippa Middleton.

31. Then the boys from the Durmstrang Institute turn up with their big staffs, making everyone feel inadequate.

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“We’re going to need a bigger staff.”

32. “Did someone say Biggerstaff?”

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#wood4Wood

33. Viktor Krum!

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Cool hat, bro.

34. Hermione is more of a fan of this turn of events.

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Krum like it hot.

35. Then this chap shows up. His name is Mad-Eye Moody.

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37. Mr Crouch explains the new rules about the Triwizard Tournament.

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“No one under 17 may enter. And no one in desperate need of a haircut.”

38. This causes uproar, so Gambondore puts on an enunciation master class.

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“Orrrrrrrder.”

39. And then introduces the Goblet of Fire.

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Just like in the title!

40. Moody explains that there are three Unforgivable Curses, and asks if anyone knows why they are called that.

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“Because they’re unforgivable.”

41. Using a spider-crab thing as a test subject, he demonstrates the Imperious Curse, which allows you to control someone else.

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43. Next, the Cruciatus Curse, which is used to torture.

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A bit like puberty.

44. And finally the Killing Curse.

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You know, for murder.

45. Once everyone has put their names in the Goblet, it’s time for the Goblet to choose three names.

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He’s all sweaty because brooding.

46. Viktor Krum, obvs.

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Who is at least 25, by the way. Look at those pecs.

47. Hermione has noticed his generally impressive chest area.

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“We aim to please, Ms Granger.”

48. Second name out of the Goblet is Fleur Delacour.

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50. And finally, CedDig.

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Everything’s coming up Diggory!

51. But wait.

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The Goblet isn’t done yet.

52. A fourth name?

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Inconceivable!

53. The Goblet spits out Harry’s name. Gambondore is pissed.

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“Did you put your name in the Goblet? With that haircut?”

54. “We have to let him compete.”

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“It’s in the script.”

55. After Harry writes to tell his Sirius about the tournament, Sirius speaks to Harry through a fireplace.

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Siriusly, he talks to him through a fireplace. Look.

56. Ron isn’t talking to Harry for plot reasons. Hermione acts as a go-between.

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“Ron says you need a haircut.”

57. “Yeah? Well, tell Ron he needs a haircut.”

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Zing!

58. Ron doesn’t understand that it’s hard to look tough while wearing not one, but two shit sweaters.

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Ron shade. Points for effort.

59. Giant Robbie Coltrane tells Harry that the first round involves dragons.

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Not in the good way.

60. Harry runs to tell Cedric about the dragons, because he’s nice like that. Also because swoon.

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“Dragons? Are you serious?”

61. “No, I’m Harry.”

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“Harry Potter.”

62. Draco Hair Gel and the Shade Throwers threaten to perform their new single.

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“It’s called, ‘Can I Borrow Your Hair Gel?’”

63. But Moody is not a fan, and turns Draco into a ferret.

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“Air keyboard is worst. The worst!”

64. Round one of the tournament, and the four pick tiny dragons out of a bag.

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“I have to fight this?”

65. Harry’s dragon is a Hungarian Horntail, the scariest and meanest dragon of the bunch.

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You know, because plot!

66. Turns out Harry is shit at fighting dragons.

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“I’d say this rocks, but I’d be lying.”

67. His friends can barely look.

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“It’ll probably be OK, his name’s in the title.”

68. Harry summons his Firebolt and gets out of there.

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Broom broom.

69. The Horntail gives chase.

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“I hope this fight doesn’t drag on.”

70. After a minute or two of broom-based hijinks, Harry manages to murder the dragon with a bridge.

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Right in the face.

71. “Yes!”

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“Right in the face!”

72. Harry claims his prize, a golden egg, which contains a clue to the second round of the tournament.

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Only problem is he can’t open it without it deafening everyone. Or elbowing Fred in the face.

73. Harry’s tournament success is winning him some admirers.

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“I wanna know what love is, I want you to Cho me.”

74. Harry is coping well with the attention.

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“If dribbling is cool, you can call me Miles Davis.”

75. It’s almost time for the school dance. Yay!

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Important reminder: Hermione is a delight.

77. Ron and Harry are not having much luck.

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Ravenclaw shade < Gryffindor shade.

78. But Hermione is not struggling at all. Not even a little bit.

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“I am fucking glorious. Of course I have a date.”

79. Harry finally plucks up the courage to ask someone.

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“Will you Cho to the dance with me?”

80. “Sorry, someone already asked me.”

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“Great punning though.”

81. Harry finds him and Ron some last-minute dates, who don’t seem to have names.

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Long story short, Cedric took Cho, Neville went with Ginny, and Hermione…

82. Is all growed up!

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Aww.

83. She went with Krum, obvs.

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“Ms Granger, I do believe you’re making my palm twitch.”

84. Surprise Cocker!

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Surprise Cocker is the best kind of Cocker.

85. Like most things in life, the dance ends in tears.

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Godammit Ron.

86. Harry asks Hermione if Krum has figured out the egg.

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“We don’t actually talk much. Viktor’s more of a…physical being.”

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88. “Lol no, he mostly watches me study. It’s a bit weird.”

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#fiftyshadesofKrum

89. CedDig turns up and offers Harry a hint in return.

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“Take a bath, Potter. You stink.”

90. “That’s really mean and hurts my feels.”

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“I’m trying out this vegan deodorant and it’s not going well.”

91. Harry has zero fucks to give for water conservation, but bubbles are another story.

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So sensual.

92. Sure enough, he opens the egg underwater, and can hear the clue clearly.

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“It’s in the lake, dumbass. Everyone is going, you could have just followed them.”

93. Then Moaning Myrtle turns up and tries to check out Harry’s Trou-Wizard Tournament and it’s a bit creepy.

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Cool wand, bro.

94. Harry asks Neville for tips on being tall.

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“Some us have it, Harry. Some don’t.”

95. “Some of us really have it.”

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#wood4Neville

96. This round requires the boys to wear loose-fitting clothing, while Fleur has to wear a skintight silver swimsuit.

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Right.

97. After five minutes of swimming around being objectified, Fleur retires from the challenge in protest.

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Down with the patriarchy, etc.

98. Krum, dressed as a shark, turns up to rescue Hermione.

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“Don’t bite your lip, Hermione. I want to bite it for you.”

99. Leaving Harry to save Ron, and Fleur’s sister.

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Which he manages, despite some fishy dealings.

100. For being all brave and shit, Harry gets promoted from last to second place.

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Second: First place for people who didn’t win.

101. There’s no time to celebrate though, because someone kills Mr Crouch. Harry is called to Gambondore’s office.

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Fawkes!

102. Finding himself alone in Gambondore’s office, Harry does what any teenage boy would do.

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He has a flashback!

103. Using Gambondore’s flashback machine, Harry sees Karkarov ratting out fellow Death Eaters for a reduced sentence.

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“Did you know the Doctor is a Death Eater.”

104. Looking fancy in his fancy flashback suit, the Doctor tries to escape.

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Try and sonic screwdriver your way out of this one, pal.

105. He is arrested and sent to Azkaban.

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Please stop doing that with your tongue. (Said no one, ever.)

106. With the flashback over, Harry tells Gambondore that he’s seen David Tennant before…

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108. On his way back to his dorm, Harry encounters Snape.

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Who accuses him of stealing Polyjuice potion from his store.

109. “Don’t lie to me. This is Veritaserum, three drops of this and you’d tell me anything. The use of it on students is…”

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112. “Regrettably forbidden.”

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113. Everyone gathers for the final challenge.

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114. First one to retrieve the cup from the maze, wins.

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“Will you start the fans, please!”

115. Filch fires the cannon prematurely.

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“This is why I’m single.”

116. In the maze, Krum has been put under the Imperius Curse, and takes out Fleur.

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The maze eats Fleur. Not in the good way.

117. Harry has the cup in his sights, but stops to save CedDig.

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“Come on, we’ll do it together. The cup, I mean.”

118. They touch the cup at the same time…

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…and boom!

120. They land in the graveyard Harry saw in his dream.

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“Careful, I think it’s about to rain.”

121. Timothy Spall turns up, carrying 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Voldemort.

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“Sup bro.”

122. And Harry can only watch in horror…

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123. As his friend is murdered by Timothy Spall.

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RIP Cedric.

125. Harry is captured. Timothy Spall takes some of his blood and drops it in the cauldron.

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“But…now I’ll never know…why he was in the tree.”

126. He drops 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Voldemort into the cauldron.

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So tiny.

127. And from the flames, full-size Voldemort appears.

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Tragedy!

128. Voldemort summons his former Death Eaters, including Luscious Locks.

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“Your hair… Still luscious, I see.”

129. And introduces himself to the Boy Who Lived.

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“We meet at last, Gary Potter.”

131. Voldemort and Harry duel, their wands locking together in a fancy CGI way.

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So fancy.

132. “I’m gonna tell everyone you’ve got no nose. When people ask how you smell, I’ll say…”

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“Terrible. Lol.”

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134. The ghosts of Harry’s parents appear, and tell him they’ll distract Voldemort so he can get to the Port Key.

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Is someone chopping onions?

135. Then Cedric’s ghost appears, and asks Harry to take his body back to his father.

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So. Many. Feels.

136. Harry makes it to Cedric’s body, and zaps them back to the tournament.

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The crowd cheers.

137. But one by one…

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138. They begin to realise…

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139. That something is terribly, terribly wrong.

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140. Gambondore rushes to Harry.

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“He’s back. Voldemort. He’s back.”

141. “That’s my son… That’s my boy…”

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*Accio tissues*

142. In the commotion, Mad-Eye Moody takes Harry Potter away from the crowd.

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And locks them in his office.

143. “Tell me about the Dark Lord, Harry. What was he like?”

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“He hasn’t got a nose, I can tell you that much.”

144. And then the proverbial ball drops.

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146. Gambondore!

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Through the door, door!

147. IT WAS DAVID TENNANT THE WHOLE TIME!

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Siriusly though, the tongue thing. It’s weird, stop it.

148. Gambondore delivers Cedric’s eulogy.

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“He did not move to Forks. He was murdered by Voldemort.”

150. Fleur and Krum say their good-byes.

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“Are you smirking at me, Mr Krum?”

151. “Write to me.”

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“Laters, babe.”

152. “Don’t be sad, Hermione. Maybe he’ll visit.”

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“Sad? My inner goddess is jumping up and down right now.”

153. The gang gathers so Ron can ask a silly question.

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“Do you think we’ll ever have a quiet year at Hogwarts?”

154. “I doubt it, mate.”

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“Because plot.”

155. In summary, I thought this was excellent, if not as good as Azkaban; it certainly upped the stakes. Voldemort coming back, Cedric’s death… It was quite a punch to the gut!

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Can’t wait to see what the series has in store next.

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