1. Everything is or isn’t ice cream.
2. Killing a spider makes the spider genetic pool sneakier and more deadly.
3. The only time the word ‘incorrectly’ isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
4. When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
5. The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
6. It’s possible that drug cartels are comprised exclusively of undercover DEA agents who don’t know about each other.
7. Being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever.
8. Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airlines.
9. ‘Slang’ is a colloquial word for ‘colloquial word’.
10. When someone else makes you laugh in your dream, your brain came up with that joke. Of course you think it’s funny.
11. Your right elbow has never been touched by your right hand.
12. The word ‘Fat’ just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word ‘Eat’.
13. All of the planets in Star Wars have the exact same gravitational pulls.
15. If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich.
16. What if the Egyptians didn’t actually revere cats, but only jokingly did like we do on the internet?
17. People who say, “Don’t tell me what to do” are hypocrites.
18. A mullet will make you a redneck and also prevent you from getting one.
19. The final ‘e’ in finale is the finale of finale.
20. Porn mags in the Harry Potter universe would be amazing.
21. We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.
22. It’s possible that AI built to defeat the Turing test fails on purpose so we don’t know how smart it really is.
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