"Mean Girls" As Told By Someone Who’s Never Seen It

It’s amazing how much you can pick up through cultural osmosis. Or not.

1. This is our protagonist. I don’t know her name, so I’m gonna call her Lindsay. She just moved to the US from Africa.

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2. There’s a popular clique at school, but they’re predictably mean-spirited and possibly air-headed. This girl’s name might be Regina George, but I’m not sure about that so I’m just gonna call her Mean Girl 1.

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3. She once punched someone in the face, and it was awesome.

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4. This is Mean Girl 2.

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5. I guess her name Karen, but whatever.

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6. We’ll call this one Mean Girl 3. She’s picky about school cafeteria hierarchy.

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7. Mean Girl 3 also keeps trying to make “Fetch” happen, but she should give up because it’s never gonna happen.

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8. I assume “fetch” is something to the effect of “cool” or “neat” or “pretty.”

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9. Someone’s hair is evidently full of secrets.

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10. On Wednesdays the Mean Girls wear pink.

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11. This is the Cute Boy Love Interest. I have no idea what his name is. He doesn’t seem to be that important.

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12. Lindsay likes Cute Boy Love Interest, but is awkward around him. This is endearing.

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13. This is Unpopular Girl 1. She seems nice, and also I like her haircut. Tumblr likes her because she has a lot of feelings and also because something about cake.

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14. Here is Unpopular Girl 2. She’s quirky and doesn’t like the Mean Girls.

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15. There are other characters too, but one of them doesn’t even go to that school.

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16. This is the Burn Book, where someone (probably Mean Girl 1) writes gossip about everyone in school and hurts all the students’ feelings.

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17. Tina Fey is in this movie! She plays an Empowered Woman And Healthy Role Model who is a guidance counselor or a teacher. She doesn’t like the way the Mean Girls treat everyone.

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18. At some point the Mean Girls decide to befriend Lindsay and take her shopping.

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19. They introduce her to Mean Girl 1’s mom, who’s not like a regular mom.

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20. The Mean Girls make Lindsay popular. At one point they’re all sexy Santas in talent show, which seems a little too sexualized for high school but hey, that’s Hollywood for you.

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21. At some point Lindsay realizes that Mean Girl 1 is really horrible and the entire school agrees.

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22. Tina Fey says this, which is rad.

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23. And then I guess Mean Girl 1 dies?

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24. That’s it. That’s the movie.

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