"Mean Girls" As Told By Someone Who’s Never Seen It

It’s amazing how much you can pick up through cultural osmosis. Or not.

1. This is our protagonist. I don’t know her name, so I’m gonna call her Lindsay. She just moved to the US from Africa.

2. There’s a popular clique at school, but they’re predictably mean-spirited and possibly air-headed. This girl’s name might be Regina George, but I’m not sure about that so I’m just gonna call her Mean Girl 1.

3. She once punched someone in the face, and it was awesome.

4. This is Mean Girl 2.

5. I guess her name Karen, but whatever.

6. We’ll call this one Mean Girl 3. She’s picky about school cafeteria hierarchy.

7. Mean Girl 3 also keeps trying to make “Fetch” happen, but she should give up because it’s never gonna happen.

8. I assume “fetch” is something to the effect of “cool” or “neat” or “pretty.”

9. Someone’s hair is evidently full of secrets.

10. On Wednesdays the Mean Girls wear pink.

11. This is the Cute Boy Love Interest. I have no idea what his name is. He doesn’t seem to be that important.

12. Lindsay likes Cute Boy Love Interest, but is awkward around him. This is endearing.

13. This is Unpopular Girl 1. She seems nice, and also I like her haircut. Tumblr likes her because she has a lot of feelings and also because something about cake.

14. Here is Unpopular Girl 2. She’s quirky and doesn’t like the Mean Girls.

15. There are other characters too, but one of them doesn’t even go to that school.

16. This is the Burn Book, where someone (probably Mean Girl 1) writes gossip about everyone in school and hurts all the students’ feelings.

17. Tina Fey is in this movie! She plays an Empowered Woman And Healthy Role Model who is a guidance counselor or a teacher. She doesn’t like the way the Mean Girls treat everyone.

18. At some point the Mean Girls decide to befriend Lindsay and take her shopping.

19. They introduce her to Mean Girl 1’s mom, who’s not like a regular mom.

20. The Mean Girls make Lindsay popular. At one point they’re all sexy Santas in talent show, which seems a little too sexualized for high school but hey, that’s Hollywood for you.

21. At some point Lindsay realizes that Mean Girl 1 is really horrible and the entire school agrees.

22. Tina Fey says this, which is rad.

23. And then I guess Mean Girl 1 dies?

24. That’s it. That’s the movie.

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