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56 Surprisingly Perfect Metaphors For Your Laziness

Feel free to use these when too lazy to make up your own.

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1. A sack of potatoes
2. A bowl of cream of wheat that’s settled into a thick film
3. The moldy cheese at the bottom of the refrigerator drawer
4. Nachos that sat out for too long so that the cheese congealed, and when you try to take one chip, 15 other chips come with it, and there’s no physical way to separate them so you’re stuck with 15 chips covered in cold, hard cheese
5. A meal that consists of nothing but condiments
6. A ziplock bag of ketchup packets from leftover fast food
7. Peanut butter that’s at the very bottom of the jar, that’s gotten a little bit hard and you can’t scoop it out without getting peanut butter on your hands
8. A handful of semisweet chocolate baking chips as dessert
9. Cookie dough that never makes it to actual cookies
10. A solo bread butt in the fridge

11. Easy Mac in a coffee mug
12. Any meal in a coffee mug
13. A mug of coffee from the morning reheated hours later in a microwave
14. Mismatched dirty socks
15. A bra that has gone unwashed for five months
16. Period underwear turned inside out
17. Glasses held together by tape
18. An outdated glasses prescription that you keep wearing even though you can’t see anything
19. Advil that expired in 2002
20. Kleenex as makeshift toilet paper
21. Free Estee Lauder beauty samples in the corner of the medicine cabinet
22. A drip from a faucet that you keep thinking has stopped but hasn’t
23. Pen caps that have long lost their mates

24. Wilted grass that’s sat under a potted plant too long
25. A dust bunny you glance at a few feet away every time you watch TV, but never touch
26. A text message that just says “K”
27. Matthew McConaughey’s voice
28. Pennies
29. Those pincer things people use to grab their beer or whatever off the coffee table because they don’t want to sit up
30. The typo you noticed before sending but then were like eh, whatever
31. A liquid hand soap bottle that just keeps getting refilled with water
32. The bathroom at a single dude’s apartment
33. Second-day mascara
34. A clown that didn’t feel like washing off his clown makeup and then wears smudged second-day clown makeup to his day job in marketing. And his coworkers are like “Are you feeling OK, Randy?” And he’s like “What are you talking about?” And then he has to have an uncomfortable meeting with his boss about what’s “work-appropriate.”
35. Dry shampoo

Lucy Nicholson / Reuters

36. A snail riding a sloth
37. A sloth on horse tranquilizers
38. Roly-poly bugs
39. An elderly tortoise
40. A fireplace that probably has a dead bat in there but no one’s ever gonna look
41. A bed with no sheets that gets slept on anyway AND it’s just a mattress on the floor with no frame
42. Pants with a hole in the crotch
43. Pants that are too tight and look kind of bad but you put in all that effort to put them on so might as well wear them.
44. That weird jumpsuit in the back of your closet that you might wear one day
45. The dusty panini maker on top of the refrigerator

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46. That fancy necklace from the movie Titanic now sitting at the bottom of the ocean forever
47. A remote that’s out of reach and therefore guarantees that you’re watching a Law & Order marathon regardless of whether or not you want to
48. A Law & Order marathon
49. A pile of takeout napkins that could come in handy at some point in the distant future
50. A Christmas tree that’s up in February
51. “HBD”
52. Not peeing even though you have to pee because you’d have to get up
53. Considering peeing in something in your room instead of going all the way to the bathroom
54. The clock that never got updated for Daylight Savings Time, and now it’s got the right time again
55. Copy/paste
56. Uncrustables

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