Now if I knew I would have a funny, quirky, interesting kid like that, I’d totally be someone’s dad. Unfortunately, I could also have the little diva bitch like the one screaming and crying at the store the other day. And it’s that uncertainty that keeps me childless.

The 90s are strong with this one

Yeah, break ‘em out lady. If they’re good enough for the vacuum cleaner man, they’re good enough for anyone.

She was beautiful in Elf. With blonde hair. And I don’t even like blonde.

I’d let her boil my rabbit.

Dogs are the best.

Paramount owns the Star Trek movies. CBS owns the TV shows.

Christ, get a bike. You live in Brooklyn, you’re not that far away.

Manhattan probably hasn’t seen that kind of darkness since before it was New Amsterdam.

Get that dog on some grass, quick. He needs to run and play and be a puppy.