“I would like to legalize prostitution. Hiring a sex worker in Olivia Land would be as easy, hygienic, and inexpensive as getting a pedicure. That way when away on business or just not in the mood, we could just hire a hooker for our loved one and keep them uninterested in cheating and keep them satisfied. These particular hookers would obviously have to be mute and possibly cross-eyed.
In Olivia Land, the streets are paved with dark chocolate, and all the people are free of body hair and menstrual cramps.”
“I don’t want to be making the doughnuts.I want it to be something that comes from somewhere important and stays funny.”
“Given the success we’ve had for the past four weeks… we’ve decided to continue to concentrate our promotional strength on our new NBC shows that are scheduled Monday through Wednesday and have therefore decided to hold “Community” and “Whitney” from their previously announced premieres.”
Oh, yeah, this will effect Whitney, too. I know you were really concerned.
Headline of the day: Tom Cruise Got Spanked By A Dude At Matt Damon’s Tranny Birthday Party.
Channing Tatum and his wife got tipsy at the opening of his new bar in New Orleans.
Lily Allen voices her opinion on a woman’s right to choose, is immediately attacked by pro-lifers on twitter.
Ben Affleck attempts to say the lines of Charlie Rose, fails.
Stevie Nicks says if she were Mariah Carey, she “would have walked over to Nicki [Minaj] and strangled her to death right there.”
The Beckham children went shopping for Halloween costumes.
James Franco will teach a class at USC film school now.
One Direction now has their own line of toothpaste and toothbrushes.
Niall from One Direction was attacked by a bunch of squirrels, is now on crutches.
Kylie Jenner is blonde now.
A pilot starring Angela Kinsey and Rachael Harris has landed at Fox.
JWOWW wants 500 people at her Las Vegas wedding.
These photos from David Cross and Amber Tamblyn’s wedding will melt your hipster heart.
Russell Brand picked up a random woman while she was out jogging.
Shirtless Josh Brolin smokes a cigarette.
George Clooney gave money to a homeless guy after his dinner with Bill Murray.
Anne Hathaway will be in the romantic comedy written by Mindy Kaling.
Nicole Scherzinger says her boyfriend helped her to love her body.
Stone Cold Steve Austin is really confused.
Richard Gere is a jerk, hits on married ladies in public and cheats on his wife.
Ke$ha is penning a picture book memoir.
Chris Pratt’s goal to reach 300 pounds marches on.
- The suspect wanted for killing 39 people at an Istanbul nightclub on New Years Day has been captured, Turkish media reports.
- At least 27 lawmakers are boycotting Trump's inauguration after the president-elect criticized civil rights leader John Lewis.
- Monica Crowley, an appointee to Trump's White House, has decided to step away from the administration following a plagiarism scandal.
- For MLK Day, we're taking a look at some rare pictures of Martin Luther King Jr.