Note: This post contains mentions of rape, sexual assault, substance abuse, violence, and domestic abuse.
If you're a woman, it's more likely than not that you or one of your friends "dated" an older man as a teen before later realizing the predatory nature of the relationship. Given that society conditions us to desire validation through male attention (and the media glorifies it all), it's not surprising that this is so distressingly common.
In hopes of raising awareness and validating others, we asked women of the BuzzFeed Community who've experienced this to share their stories, and more than 300 women wrote in. From their responses, it's clear that since society continues to victim-blame women rather than provide support or compassion (while the men get off scot-free), it's unfortunately normal to internalize feelings of shame and toxic beliefs that result from these relationships.
To break the fourth wall for a second: While this is a difficult topic to tackle, and it might be hard to read all of the stories below, it's important to continue engaging in these conversations, empowering those affected, and reinforcing the urgency of addressing this. That being said, thank you to the women who bravely shared their stories, and thank you for reading their stories.
Here are 59 of their stories, detailing how they ended up in these relationships, recognizing how they felt during them, and reflecting on their perception of teenagers as adults who are now either the same age or older than the predatory men they dated:
1. "I honestly wish they would have educated us more about this in school. My best friend, at age 14, ended up having a sexual relationship with a guy in his late 30s. Many adults in our very small town even helped facilitate it to the point it seemed normal. The amount of guilt I felt and still feel is insurmountable — especially once I really understood how wrong the relationship was. I never encouraged her, but I also never stopped her or spoke up. He recently died, and it's really weird experiencing our town's grief for him when I know him as a predator. What's even more fucked up is that my friend gets more hate for their relationship from our town than he ever did."
2. "I was 14 turning 15 and working at a fast food restaurant. One of the managers, who was 21 at the time, took a liking to me. On his off days, he'd come through the drive-thru and drop off gifts for me. Things ended fairly quickly after we got caught making out in the cooler by another coworker. He got fired for that and dealing weed to other employees, and I left shortly after that. I really thought I was in love with him, but looking back, I find it completely disgusting."
3. "My cousin was preyed upon by a cop when she was 15. The cop was 40, married, and had kids in our class. She would tell us about how he constantly tried to pressure her to sneak out and lose her virginity to him in his car. Absolutely disgusting! Our older cousin met with him and told him to stop, but the cop went on about 'how much power he has' and told our cousin to 'watch what you say and who you tell.' She ended up telling his wife."
"His wife then asked for proof and to speak to my cousin, but my aunt met with her instead. After that, a few more teenage girls came forward. Two years later, he was finally fired, but I'm not sure if his wife divorced him."
4. "When I was 16, I met someone who said he was in his early-20s. At the time, I lived with a mom going through substance abuse. It was easy to do as I pleased. He would only take me out at night and to where no one would see us: Hotels, his sister's house when she was gone, and his truck in a park. It was always only sex — never a movie or going out to eat or anything. After a few months, he told me he was in love with me and confessed that he was almost 30. I look back now as a woman in my 30s, and I'm disgusted that he knowingly took advantage of a teenage girl in a bad home situation."
5. "When I was 15, I met a guy in an internet chat room who told me he was 18. I eventually found out he was actually in his 30s. He would tell me I was beautiful and so mature for my age, and that's why he wanted me rather than someone his own age. I was flattered because I had low self-esteem and had never had a boyfriend. We would go out, and he'd always want me to do sexual stuff (I was inexperienced and still a virgin). Looking back now as a 35-year-old woman, he was grooming me. The onus wasn't on me to know how to behave appropriately in that situation as a 15-year-old, it was on him as a predatory adult who was prowling internet chat rooms for underage girls."
"Something awful could have happened to me, but luckily, I met a guy my own age and broke things off."
6. "I was 15 and fond of my high school teacher who was 45 at the time. I told him I really liked the way he taught his class. He then called me to a private place, hugged me, and — in my ear — told me that he'd had dirty dreams about me. It made me feel special. Long story short, I ended up going to his place to have oral sex. I found out later that he had done the same thing with other girls from school. It took me 15 years to understand that he was a predator."
7. "I was 15, and he was 19 when we first started dating. I was desperate for love and attention, and I'd struggled with self-worth for years. After a few weeks, he began hounding me for more sexual discussions and nudes. He said, 'I love you so much... If you love me, you'll do it.' I was a child and didn't want to lose him, so I did it. I think I was barely 16 when it started. We dated for about six months until I broke up with him for someone local. Looking back, it's the smartest thing I've ever done. To this day — he's in his 30s now — he will randomly email me a nude of mine or send it via social media just to remind me that he still has them."
"He hasn't shared them to my knowledge, but the fact that I know he still looks at them really creeps me out."
8. "I was 15 years old, and Yahoo! still had their chat rooms up. I have always been bigger, and it always held me back. I was always so jealous of my friends who had relationships and who people found attractive. I'd usually go to chat rooms to talk to guys and feel better about myself. I only met someone in person once. He was a cop who was twice my age. You think, Oh, a policeman, nothing can go wrong there. I lost my virginity to him in the front seat of a truck, parked across from a park. I met him twice after that — one time at my house. I never realized how stupid I was. He never hit or abused me in a physical or verbal way. He was 33 at the time. I'm 33 now. I play back many of those memories and think about how manipulative he actually was, and how demented the scenario and my train of thought were then."
9. "I was 15, and he was 25. I lost my virginity to him. His mother tried to stop it. I hated her guts and felt like she was so manipulative. I realize now how far I'd go to make sure my son doesn't date a child. Later, when I was 17, I dated a 27-year-old for 1.5 years. The real kicker: At a barbecue a few years ago, my high school crush, a boy my age — who to this day is the one that got away — told me that he loved me all throughout high school, but I was always talking about how I dated older guys. We're both married with children now, but that gutted me. I could have been with him."
"He's even better looking now, too, with his silver foxiness. Now, I remember what I was doing as a 15- and 17-year-old. I thought I was cool. What the fuck were those 25- and 27-year-olds doing?!"
10. "I was 16 and working at McDonald's, where I became 'friends' with a 25-year-old coworker. I remember having so much fun with him during work, but it wasn't long before rumors started flying about the two of us. Our 'friendship' soon turned to him asking and pressuring me to make those rumors true. I was young, had a lot of self-hatred, and was lonely, so I gave in. He made me feel loved and like he was my friend. Now, I look back and realize he had groomed me the whole time. At almost 20, I see what he truly did to me. Relationships of any kind are more difficult now, but I'm trying to have hope."
11. "I met my 28-year-old manager when I was 16 and on meds for depression and anxiety. Everyone around him loved him and went on about how nice and thoughtful he was. We got together when I was 17. Two months later, the criticism started: I was too fat. My nose was too big. My clothes were ugly. I was wrong about everything. I thought he just knew better than me, and I was an overly sensitive kid. One of the worst parts is that my dad fully supported it and hasn’t shown any regret for it to this day, despite me telling him it was abusive and weird."
12. "I was 16 years old and crushing on my stepmother’s brother. He was in his late 20s or early 30s. He took me to a strip club, got me served, and tried to have sex with me that first night (I was a virgin but so in awe of him). Luckily, Aunt Flo was in town, so I said no. We fooled around, and he held me until we fell asleep. This went on for a few weeks, but, thankfully, I never agreed to sex. The worst part, I realize now, is that the two times my stepmom caught me in his bed in the morning, I was the one in trouble. She said that if it happened a third time, she would tell my dad, and I would be in serious trouble."
13. "I started 'hanging out' with my (now ex) boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 26. I thought it was so romantic that he waited until midnight of my 18th birthday to kiss me — so fucked up. My dad always refused to meet him, and looking back, I’m surprised his reaction wasn’t worse!"
"During that relationship, he stole my car, pressured me into coming back from my long-anticipated Europe trip early, and stole thousands of dollars from me."
—Anonymous, Manitoba, Canada
14. "A 40-year-old married cop with kids asked me out every day from when I was 16 until he broke me down four months shy of my 18th birthday. He would sneak me and my best friend into bars to drink with him and his 43-year-old married cop partner. They would follow us home in their police cars when we'd drive home drunk. We'd meet and make out in his car at a park in the dark while he was on duty. I thought I was so grown up. I bragged to a coworker about what was going on, and she threatened the cop with telling his wife. He never bothered me again. She also told my mom. I was mad back then, but thank god for her. She cared enough about me to help me. I hadn't had sex with him, but I would have if it had gone on any longer because he was coercing and grooming me. He would’ve been the first man I had sex with, too."
15. "I was 18, in my senior year of high school, and he was in his mid-20s and in the Marines. I was in a Facebook group I probably should not have been in, and he messaged me. He said he and his wife were polyamorous and looking for a third person. We messaged for a while, and then he asked to pick me up. It felt wonky, so I said I couldn’t get away because my mom would notice, and I had school. After that, we started sexting. His wife eventually messaged me angrily, and I blocked them both. He was not in a poly relationship and should not have been pursuing a freshly 18, still-in-high-school child. I hope his wife understands what happened — that I didn’t mean to be the other woman and that I was too young to understand."
"I also hope she doesn’t blame me and is mad at him for pursuing anyone, let alone a high-schooler."
16. "When I was in high school, senior boys hit on freshman girls and kept in touch with them after they graduated — so they'd be in their early 20s flirting with high school girls over AIM. I remember thinking I was 'so cool' because two of the cutest former seniors regularly talked to me and had taken me on dates. When one of them took me to a concert, my cousin — who was the same age as them — saw me and was like, 'Why are you with him here?! He is too old for you!' At the time, I thought he was being overprotective. Looking back now, that is SO creepy. My cousin had every right to be worried. Why could they not take college-aged girls on dates?"
17. "I was 18, a freshman in college, and he was 36. I thought I was so cool for having an older boyfriend. What I realize now, at 34, is that I wasn’t cool; he was just creepy. He would introduce me to his friends as his 18-year-old girlfriend. Every time, he would mention my age. Neither he nor any of his friends had anything in common with me. I felt so insecure because they were actual adults, and I wasn’t even old enough to go to a bar."
18. "I was 18, and he was 25. When I was 17, I started babysitting his kids. They were all under 7, but he had a stepdaughter who was 13 — only five years my junior. As soon as I turned 18, he was all about me. He told me that he and his wife were separating, that he didn’t love her anymore, and that he wanted me. I thought his wife was crazy for getting angry with me."
19. "I was 14, a freshman, and met a guy at a party. He sweet-talked me, told me how pretty I was, etc. He also told me he was 17. I don’t remember how he found out I wasn't a virgin, but eventually, he got me upstairs, and we had sex in some random person’s bedroom. I had only been kissed one other time when I lost my virginity, and then this. It was my second kiss and second time having sex. I look back now and realize how awful the sex was. Anyway, he and his friend would hang out at our high school once school was out for the day. Somehow, I found out that he was at least 21 or 22 — maybe even older. Every day, he and his buddy hung out next to the gym. He pretty much ignored me, and I got over it."
"A few years later — in my junior year — a girl in my class goes, 'I heard you had sex with my boyfriend.' 'Huh?' was my initial answer. (I just have to add that I only had sex twice in high school, so I wasn’t someone who slept around.) After talking more, I figured out it was this guy. I think we were 16, maybe 17, so he had to be at least 25 by then. The guy was still scamming on high school girls."
—Anonymous, California
20. "I was 14 and grew up in a very 'rock n roll' household, so it wasn’t uncommon for me to go out to small concerts alone. I was a smart kid. My parents trusted me not to do drugs. It was all good. But at one concert, I began talking to a man I was standing by. He had tattoo sleeves on both arms and a nose piercing, so I was in love. He was 19 — not old enough that I thought it was weird but, looking back, still too old to be dating a 14-year-old. He essentially groomed me for two years while to be this overly sexual, skimpy-clothes-wearing girl. I made up this wild story to my friends that I was dating a celebrity. They were so focused on my 'lying problem,' they didn’t notice I was acting weirdly and sneaking out to see my boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him, and he sexually assaulted me multiple times. My final straw was when he asked me to drop out of school and be his live-in 'slave.' I have long-lasting psychological problems from that."
21. "I was 13 when I first formed a relationship with a man who was eight years older than me (then 21–22). We met through his then-girlfriend — I was like her little sister. At her request, I began chatting with him. She was using me as the middleman between them when they would fight. He and I ended up becoming close, and before I knew it, I truly believed I was in love. I'd lie to my parents so I could sneak out and see him. He never pressured me to do anything and was the kindest, most caring person. When I was 15, we spent our first night together for New Year's Eve. I didn't know that he intended to get me drunk to have sex. I ended up getting too drunk, though, and got sick. He took care of me and made me feel safe, which further influenced my love for him. Over the past 20 years, we never 'dated' officially, but I did have sex with him when I was 25. Now, I'm 32 and just realized this man was a predator last year."
"I’ve ruined many relationships in an attempt to be with him, and I’ve hurt a lot of people because of him. I finally cut ties with him in October 2019.
In a way, I was under his control for most of my young adult life because I was never able to let go of that relationship. The relationships and bonds you make when you’re that young really do stay with you, so it’s important to make sure you are forming bonds with the appropriate people."
—Anonymous, New York
22. "When I was 15, my BFF — who was 16 at the time — was dating an 'older' guy. He was 18 and in university. His friends were also older, and one of them took an interest in me. He said he was 25, and even then, I felt it was kind of wrong. However, I was very flattered because I liked him. In the two weeks, he 'courted' me. He then became super manipulative and obsessive. One day, we were in his car, and he had to show his ID for the place we were going to enter. I jokingly took it out of his hands, and he panicked. I looked at his birth date, and he was actually 32! I freaked out and never saw him again."
23. "Fifteen years ago, I was legally an adult but still a teen. I dated my recently-divorced boss who was 24 years older than me. I was looking for a casual, good time. We both liked to travel, so it was fun. It went over my head that he was too old for me since he was closer to my maturity level than others his age. A few months in, I realized he had a significant drinking problem and tried to get out, but (shocker) my job was threatened. He then became emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abusive. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and dropped out of school due to my mental state. To get away, I took a work-approved, international internship, but he disclosed our relationship out of spite, and I was fired. He received no consequences and dated another employee younger than me. At the time, the age difference didn't seem like a big deal. Now, I look back and think, 'What kind of degenerate, emotionally stunted creep—?!' Even if it's legal, it's NOT OK!"
"There were no policies around dating at my work. Ultimately, I ended up staying overseas for nearly a decade. He still drunk-dials me once a year and leaves a voicemail about how delightful he found the times he sexually assaulted me. (He's blocked, and, yes, I've changed numbers, but that piece of s#$% is crafty.)"
—Anonymous, California
24. "I was 15. He was 42. I was in a really bad place mentally when he found me. He made me feel so beautiful but then went insane. He wanted me to stay up all night talking to him, even when I had school. Whenever I did talk to him, he’d accuse me of texting someone else. He also hated that I didn’t want to send him nudes. Because I refused, he made me have phone sex. Yes, made me. He constantly threatened me. First, he threatened to tell my mom. Then, he threatened to hurt my mom. After, he told me he knew where I lived, and if I didn’t do what he wanted, he’d take me away. He even made a Facebook profile using pictures with my face that he edited. I was terrified of what he was doing to me. But when he wanted to be, he was kind and made me feel special. He knew that I was fat and had a disability but still claimed to love me. In fact, he said he'd be the only one who ever loved me. I believed him. After all, what teenage idiot would date someone who wasn’t a supermodel?"
25. "I was 17 when an older man started coming to my work and flirting with me. I assumed he was in his late 20s but realized he was in his early 30s after I'd gone on a few dates with him. I was aware that this was messed up, but I was not experienced. Guys at my school thought I was a nerd. Here was a guy who thought I was sexy and beautiful. I liked going on dates with him, but I felt nervous knowing how little control I had in any given situation. I lost my virginity to him, and while it was technically consensual, looking back, I see how weird it really was."
"Fast-forward to a few weeks later: His wife, who I never knew about, contacted me and told me to leave her husband alone. I was mortified.
Again, guys at my school saw me as the quiet nerd, so if you don't think your quiet, studious daughter could fall prey to something like this, think again."
—Anonymous, Pennsylvania
26. "I met the high school soccer coach of a different school at a graduation party for one of his players. I had just graduated, too, and we dated for that summer before I left for college. His friends never wanted him to bring his 'high school girlfriend' around, especially because his best friend taught at another local high school. I hated them for it at the time. Now, I relate much more to his friends. If one of my friends (I’m 27 now) was dating an 18-year-old, I would be very uncomfortable with that friend bringing their partner to parties I’m hosting."
27. "When I was 17, I met a man who was 30. He quickly gained my trust and pushed himself into my life as the one I should turn to for everything and the only one who really understood me. Whilst we were 'friends,' he would list the reasons why anyone my own age was too immature for me to date and how they couldn't give me the freedom and responsibility I apparently needed. To his friends, I was some joke prize. They'd clap him on the back for having a really young girlfriend. He soon got me pregnant and stuck in a toxic and abusive relationship. He then exploited my age as to why I didn't understand what real relationships were like. He made me think I couldn't leave him because if I did, it proved that I was the child he thought I was who couldn't handle an adult relationship."
"He cut me off from family and friends. Again, he'd use their immaturity as a reason to get rid of them — despite him being just as, if not more, immature. He would apologize after being abusive, prey on my emotions, and pretend to cry only to carry on the abuse as soon as the dust had settled.
I finally got out, but it took me until my 20s — when he was nearing 40 — to realize how much of a hold he had over me, how he had groomed me for this when I was too young to understand what I was getting into, and how bad this was."
—Anonymous, United Kingdom
28. "At 18, I was in a dark place mentally. My mother's friend's son, 21, started messaging me on Facebook. We started as friends, and we'd talk for hours. He wanted to pursue a long-distance relationship. I agreed because I didn't date in high school. Guys were never that interested in me, so this was new and exciting. I was sexually assaulted by a friend's relative when I was 15, so I'd never felt at peace with my body and not had a physical relationship up to that point. Then, he started pressuring me for nudes and wanted to sext all the time. I was uncomfortable, but I did it because it was nice having someone to talk to. When I was 20, I started to build a real sisterhood with a couple of my friends, and he started getting possessive — but I wanted to be loved so badly and wanted to feel wanted, so I stayed. Having my friends really changed it for me. They wanted me there, alive and happy, and it brought a new perspective to my life."
29. "I was a junior in high school, and he was my 28-year-old boss at my first job. We got along right away. Little by little, we began texting more intimately and sexting. A close coworker of mine noticed our flirty ways at work and told me to stay away from him and that he was bad news. I didn’t want to get him in trouble, so I denied it. He ended up getting fired for something else work-related. After his firing, I found out he had done this previously to another girl I went to high school with and also worked this job. That’s when I realized that this was his thing; he preyed on high school girls. I still find myself thinking back on what a creep this guy was and how wrong this was for someone that much older to prey on their younger staff."
"He would know how to gain our trust in a new situation to make us feel comfortable and included."
—Anonymous, Illinois
30. "I was 17, and he was 27. He was a rebound after my appropriately aged first boyfriend and I had broken up. I was so enamored that a 'mature man' was interested in me, but in retrospect, he was only with me because actual women his age knew he was an emotionally manipulate lowlife. He idolized Smashing Pumpkins and Radiohead (a real starving- wounded-artist type), and I'd saved up hundreds of dollars at my waitressing job to buy him a real electric guitar. He dumped me repeatedly on and off to keep me hooked, and I was willing to do anything to keep him."
31. "It was never even dating. I was 14, and he was 18. Our families were friends, and they treated it like it was so adorable that I liked him. We would constantly text, and he created this narrative that he was in love with me, was waiting for me, and trusted me more than anyone. However, he would mostly ignore me when people were around, and he would be grabby when we were alone. I was attached to him emotionally for years. While his 'grabbiness' was never enough to be considered assault, as a 14-year-old, it was enough to skew my perception of things. Looking back, I’m angry that my family didn’t realize how disgusting it was. They should’ve seen how inappropriate it was and given me a safe way to shut it down instead of encouraging it."
32. "My Sunday school teacher, who was in his 50s, was a respected member of the church and a local professor. He taught from history books along with the Bible. I was 15 and thought that was cool; my classmates didn't. Soon, I was the only kid showing up. My parents never questioned it. Eventually, 'class' meant discussing my life. By my junior year, he'd successfully encouraged me to apply for college in a major I didn't want because I was 'too smart.' Then, he asked me to tutor his daughter, who was my age. Instead, when I came over, he'd have me take walks with him while she did homework alone. In my senior year, he abruptly divorced his wife and left the church — by which point I'd realized he was a creep. A year into college, my brother told me his daughter had dropped a gift off for me. Later, she admitted it was from her dad and wanted an explanation. Ten years on, it still scares me when men are 'too' friendly or helpful."
33. "When I was 15, I became very depressed. The only person that was really there for me was my 34-year-old teacher. He used to check on me throughout the day and text me until late into the night. At the end of that school year, he and his family moved. We stayed in touch and would see each other every summer. The summer I turned 18, we met to catch up as usual, and he ended up texting me about what a beautiful young woman I'd become and how he'd fallen in love with me. He left his wife and was insistent we be together. We dated for about a year. He eventually went back to his family and had his wife break up with me over text for him. He is disgusting to me today. I still struggle today with how he groomed me as a child and worry I'll never be OK again."
34. "I was 18, and at my graduation, my teacher — who was always really flirty, always complimented me, and made me feel special — finally made his move. I had never been with a man before, so I thought I was hitting the jackpot. We slept together for six months. He sent me on errands to pick up dry cleaning, pay his bills, etc. I never saw it for what it was. I was so humiliated at therapy when I finally spoke about it. He dumped me the year I turned 36 for a 17-year-old girl whom he since married and has two kids with."
35. "I was 18 and met a 50-year-old man on FetLife — a social network for BDSM. He manipulated me because he knew I was overweight, poor, insecure, and curious about BDSM. He was into terrible things. I will never forgive myself. I thought I was smarter than this. I grew up extremely skeptical of strangers, particularly older men. This man forced me. He gaslit and manipulated me badly. I felt like I owed him my body and time, and that’s when I realized I needed to get out if I wasn’t able to stand up for myself. I'm trying to forgive myself, but it’s humiliating. I’ve never heard of an age gap that extreme."
"I felt like as a grown woman, I should be able to say no, and if I couldn’t, then I didn’t have any business in these relationships."
36. "I met him when I was 18 and working at a store in the mall. He worked mall security with the city police department and was 33 at the time. When I turned 20, he asked me out. He was my first serious boyfriend. For the first six months of our relationship, he was super nice to me. Then it was like a switch flipped, and he was awful. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He would make me feel like all our problems were my fault, and I was the reason we fought. If I ever made him mad, he would throw my purse out the car window or my clothes out on the front lawn. I was with him for five years, and he left me when I got pregnant."
37. "I was 14 when a 22-year-old guy — who worked at the arcade in the mall that my friends frequented — started grooming me. All my friends thought he was so cool, so I wanted to be accepted by him as well. He initially gave me attention, making me feel like part of the group. He then retracted it and started making comments about what he thought was cool. I began to do those things to feel included, and not only did he begin including me again, but he also started showing 'interest' in me. As an outcast and the black sheep of my family and at school, this was a big deal to me. Eventually, he began pressuring me romantically and then sexually. He is currently in jail for grooming and sexually assaulting two other girls my age — at the same time he was doing it to me."
38. "When I was 15, I had a huge crush on a staff member at my Christian summer camp. He was seven years older than me and had just graduated college. When I was 17, he convinced me to attend this college so we could finally be together. He also told me not to talk about him because others wouldn't understand. When I started college, he was still on staff and would avoid me in person. In my sophomore year, when I was 20 and he was 27, he asked me out, but we still had to keep it secret since he was concerned about people asking questions. This continued until the end of my junior year when a professor saw us together a few towns over. I got called to the dean's office and thought I was in trouble, but they told me he was fired and asked that I not speak about him to anyone because it would jeopardize my and the school’s reputation. That was almost 10 years ago, and it has affected my dating life in major ways. It’s a big reason why I completely reject the church now."
39. "He was my assistant basketball coach. I met him when I was 15. It wasn’t until my senior year — I was 17, he was 23 — that we worked together consistently enough to develop a relationship. It started near the end of basketball season. I kept it a total secret. We would meet up in parking lots to make out. I confided in a close teammate who was very close with our coach, and she got so angry with me that she cried. She accused me of ruining her future coaching relationship with him and told our entire team. The season had ended by then, but it blew up my senior year. Everyone hated me except my closest friends who were on my side. I lost long-term friendships, and even our head coach — who was best friends with our assistant — told me to apologize to my teammates. I realized then that I was not in the wrong and that my coach was the one who bore responsibility for what happened. It had a massive impact on who I am as a person in my adulthood."
40. "I don't know a girl who hasn't experienced unwanted attention from an older man. For me, it was Gavin, who worked at the bowling alley. He was 21 and paid me and my girlfriends (14–15) a lot of attention, which we vied for. He liked me — much to the disgust of my friend who stopped talking to me for two weeks over it, but we're still good friends now, don't worry! He asked me out. By out, I mean to the flat he rented with his girlfriend. She was at work, so he put on soft porn. I was not comfortable, and he encouraged me to give him a blow job. I stopped halfway through, saying I didn't like it, but he persisted, so I continued. It was horrible. I wish I could go back and stop myself. I saw him and his girlfriend years later and hid like I was guilty. It makes me so sad. My female family members said male attention was what we all aspired to get; because that's what society says women should want; because I wanted that."
41. "When I was 14, I got my first job at a fast-food restaurant. The men that I worked with were in their 20s–30s. They'd always comment on how my body looked and that there was no way I wasn't 18. I thought it was cool to be getting all this make attention. One of my managers was 21, and he also couldn’t believe that I wasn't 18. We started dating, and he always told me not to tell anyone — that this had to be a secret. I thought it was love when, in reality, he was in a position of power and using that to cloud my judgment. Looking back now, I can’t imagine what sick 21-year-old would want to date a 14-year-old?!"
42. "I was 16. It was my first job, and he was my 33-year-old supervisor (my boss’s boss). I was shy, not popular in school, and always wore ribbons in my hair. Every time he'd visit our store, he'd compliment my ribbons, and we'd make small talk. Then he started coming to the store just to train me. I was getting to do classes and seminars that I was handpicked for to further my development. I liked the attention. When I was on the verge of 18, he invited me to a Christmas party that was only meant for upper management. I thought I was just doing a great job, and that's why I was invited. He ended up making a pass at me, and I went with it because I was so manipulated. Now I see he groomed me into thinking he was a 'nice guy who cared about my development.' I continued a relationship with him until I was 24 and finally left that company. Looking back, it was so clearly obvious that he was predatory and grooming me."
43. "I was 18, he was 25. We met in a chat room. He lived about an hour away from me. A few days after, we met for coffee in person, and it quickly spiraled into a full-on relationship. He regularly sexually abused me while coercing me into sex and having sex while I was asleep. Being only 18, I didn't realize it was coercion. He tried to disrupt my exams, and, once they were over, I moved in with him for the summer before university. He promised me a job with a local company, however, there was no job. So to get by, I racked up debt and took out credit cards. He tried to stop me from going to university, but I was stubborn and went anyway. I managed to leave the relationship, but only after losing over 10 grand, friends, and family."
44. "When I was 17, I met a guy on MySpace who was 34. We maintained a long-distance relationship for a year. Then, when I was almost 19 — after an assault traumatized me and prompted me to get out of Florida — I moved to North Carolina to live with him. I stayed in a relationship with him for six years. He wasn’t physically or verbally abusive, he wasn’t unfaithful, we rarely argued, and he did work hard and pay all the bills the entire time we were together. His family also welcomed me, nurtured me, and supported me lovingly while I was there. But by the time I was 25, I gained enough maturity and introspection to realize that I was groomed by this person and in an inappropriate relationship. The age gap at my particularly young age meant we were absolutely in too different of places in life to have a relationship that would be fulfilling to both of us. I was too young and naive to see this at first; he was not."
45. "When I was 15, the 28-year-old uncle of my nephew (on his father's side) was sweet and cordial with me. One day, he kissed me. I was shocked and had no idea he liked me, but I thought I must be really attractive to grab the attention of an older man. From then on, he'd pick me up from school, take me to his place, and try to initiate sex. Our conversations were awkward as we had nothing in common, but I kept telling myself 'opposites attract.' I told him I was a virgin and scared as it was intimidating to be with someone older and experienced. One day, I yelled, 'No, stop, I don't want to,' as he was pulling down my pants while I held on to the buckle. He got upset and said, 'Who else are you going to lose your virginity to? Someone your age that doesn't know what they're doing?' I have a daughter now and want to teach her this is not OK or a badge of womanhood to grab the attention of a man in your teenage years."
46. "I was 18 and thought I knew what I was doing, but he was 27 with a four-year-old child. On our first date — a nice dinner at a steak restaurant — he said I'd make a great mom to his son. I explained I was planning on going back to college (about 400 miles away) when the summer was over. He acted fine with it, so we went on a few more dates. I broke it off with him before leaving for school. He then drove to my school, showed up at my dorm, and asked for one more date. I felt bad that he had made such an effort and agreed to go with him. He drove me to a truck stop an hour away for dinner, then told me he was too tired to drive me back and got us a cheap hotel room. I tried not to fall asleep but dozed off, and I woke up because he was trying to anally rape me. He tried to say he deserved it after all he had done for me?! Luckily, he gave up trying that night and drove me back to school the next day."
47. "I was 16. He claimed to be 26, but he looked 42. I believed him. We dated for a year and never did anything more than kiss. We met at work. At first, I thought he was creepy and gross. He would tease me all the time. I don't remember how it started, but I do remember him asking me questions about my sexuality, and I didn't understand them. This was 20 years ago, so we mainly talked on the phone and chatted on instant messaging apps. Thankfully, I never went to his house or was alone with him often. After a few months of 'dating,' he asked me to marry him — I think in an instant message — and we were engaged. At the time, I was 17 and in a really bad family situation, so I think a part of me was convinced he was my way of moving on. We dated until a few weeks into my first semester of college."
48. "I was 18 and just out of high school when I met him. He was 31 and divorced with four kids. My mom had just gotten remarried, so I quickly had to find a new place to live. He convinced me he loved me and to move in with him and his youngest son while their mom wasn't able to care for them. Almost immediately after, he became verbally abusive. It quickly progressed into physical abuse. I was so naive and desperate for love that I didn’t see the red flags screaming at me. He proposed, and I reluctantly agreed. He isolated me from my friends and family, moving us up to the Bay Area. We lived there for just under a year when I told him I wanted a future with someone who hadn’t been married or had kids. He told me it wasn’t realistic, and it turned into a huge fight. I ended up cornered on the floor of our bathroom, and he drop-kicked me in the face. When I turned 20, I realized that I needed to leave or I would die by either my own hand or his."
49. "At 16, I got my first job at a supermarket. I got attention from a few male employees in their late 20s. Like most girls in the '00s, I grew up with media confirming that attention from men is always flattering. Unfortunately, I didn't know any better and thought it was great to be pursued and flirted with, especially if they were older as I must be 'so grown up.' I went on a few 'dates' with a 27-year-old — trips to random places where we'd stay in the car, chat, and kiss. I now know we didn't go out because of how odd it'd have looked. He eventually stopped working at the store, but we kept seeing each other and ended up sleeping together. Around that time, I started to meet boys at college my own age and realize how strange our relationship was, so things kind of ended. I'm now 30 and see it was messed up. I didn't know any better at that age, but he definitely did! He was a 27-year-old who actively pursued a barely legal teen."
50. "I was 13 and on the tail end of my parents' divorce and a family member's mental breakdown. He was a married friend of my dad's and in his late 50s. We never actually dated, but he regularly picked me up to spend several hours at his house when his wife was at work. One time, my dad and I ran into him at a grocery store, and he convinced my dad to send me off with him on what was supposed to be a family day. He regularly made comments about my body and sexual jokes. I told him I was uncomfortable with them, but he never stopped. At 17, I ended things when he started trying to convince me to go with him to a city in another state wherein I knew no one. It took me years to realize that I'd been taken advantage of."
51. "When I was 17, I did a work program for school. He was 19 years older than me. Within months, he asked me out to dinner. By the time I graduated, I was living with him. By September, I was pregnant. He actually told me he wanted me to get pregnant so I would be his forever."
"Funnily enough, he was an Orthodox Jew. He had to go home to Brooklyn every weekend and ate kosher, but he didn’t think anything was wrong with our situation. Eventually, I moved back home with my four-year-old child."
—Anonymous, New Jersey
52. "I met him at a park with my friend at 14. He and his friend were 18 and really attractive. We thought we were so cool because they wanted our numbers. He called me a day later and picked me up down the street from my house. My mom was a single working mom, so I had no problem sneaking out. He started taking me to the movies or to hang out with his friends. He had a girlfriend his age and said he left her for me. We eventually had sex, and he started me out drinking and doing occasional cocaine. When I turned 18, I began pulling away, and he turned abusive. Once, he locked me in a room with him for two days to hide my bruises at his uncle's. The last straw was when I got pregnant at 19 with his baby. By then, he had three daughters by various women. I panicked as it hit me I'd never get away from him now. I went with my BFF to get an abortion. When he found out, he punched and kicked me, saying I had killed his baby and it could've been a son."
53. "I was 18, he was 30. I thought it was cool to have an older guy interested in me. We dated for a couple of years, but he was garbage. He got two DUIs, tried hooking up with my friends, and bullied me when I gained weight. He literally asked me if I was going to get fat like my mom. Hindsight is 20/20, and I realize that he was some type of man-child that never grew up and was only trying to date young girls to reinforce his mindset. Plus, I doubt anyone his age would have been interested in a 30-year-old who couldn’t drive and always lived with his sister or parents."
—Anonymous, Minnesota
54. "I was 17 years old and dating a 22-year-old guy. I thought I was so cool for having an older boyfriend in college, and I ignored multiple red flags. We never went anywhere, only sometimes hanging with his friends in their basements. It was purely a physical relationship. He would talk about his ex nonstop and had an anime/hentai obsession to the point where he would constantly compare my body to fictional characters. One time, we were having sex and as soon as he finished, he turned to me and told me, 'You know, my friends think you could stand to lose 20 pounds.' I broke up with him after about three months, and his mom reached out to me multiple times, offering to take me out to lunch to talk about getting back together with her son. I'm 30 now, married with a baby, and my stomach literally turned when he popped up in my DMs asking how I've been."
55. "When I started my senior year of high school, I started dating a 26-year-old man who had previously dated two of my high school friends. I was 17, which we both knew was the age of consent in Missouri. We got married when I was 21. Now I’m in my 30s and in the middle of a horrible, high-conflict divorce after having children with him and realizing he emotionally and sexually abused me for half my life. When we began dating and started having sex, my body would be covered in bruises and bite marks from rough sex that I didn’t understand I wasn't consenting to. I came from a bad home life and didn’t know I deserved care and respect from a partner. Our relationship was built on a huge power imbalance, and I have always been scared of him. It's taken years of therapy and working on myself to understand that I was abused, but I've gotten help and support and am finally beginning to heal."
"He was controlling and dictated when I could be out of the house, how much money I had access to, and who he approved of me spending time with. He never hit me, but he preyed on my insecurities and shame to control me.
I really wish my parents had intervened and stopped me from being with him. I moved in with him before I graduated from high school, and I feel like I wasted all my youth in this miserable marriage."
—Anonymous, Missouri
56. "I grew up in the theatre and, as a young teen, had a crush on an older man who was quite prolific in the local scene. He was always kind to me. The minute I turned 18, he reached out to me on social media. He was nearly 30. I was fresh out of high school. He was complimentary and told how he’d watched me for years. At the time, I was so flattered, having never had a man show attention to me. I didn't realize I’d been groomed. I let him pressure me into sexual situations, and he would sext me regularly. It was an unhealthy, imbalanced relationship. When I broke it off to date guys my age, he became aggressive online, bashing me and trying to destroy my reputation. The whole thing really fucked with my head. I felt guilty and gaslit for leading him on when I was hardly more than a child. Years later, his brother was arrested for pedophilia. He was hardly better. He just kept his fantasies to himself, waited until I was legal, and took advantage of me."
57. "I was 18; he was 33. Originally, he lied and told me he was 30 because 'three more years made the gap seem bad.' Six months into our relationship, I caught him cheating with a 22-year-old. He had the audacity to blame her and her drinking and then credit me for 'being more mature.' He was verbally and physically abusive. Despite growing up with a good family, I felt alone and stuck. I was naive enough to believe his lies for another year. On Christmas Eve, my mother knocked on our apartment door and sat in the hallway, refusing to leave without me. My mother is a saint for so many reasons, but she saved my life that day."
58. "I was 16. He was 26. I pursued him relentlessly, but he went along with it. He didn't let things get physical until I was 18 and 'had some more experience' because he didn't want to be responsible for being my first anything. It was supremely messed up for a man 10 years my senior to behave in such a manner. I know I looked much older, and I know I acted like I knew what the world was about, but I was a child. He should have patted me on the head and moved on."
"I only had my mom, who worked all the time, because my father died when I was 9. I look back on it all now at 35 — how many years I wasted pining for him, how he indulged me, and how he encouraged the attention. I felt so special that he was paying attention to me."
59. "When I was 18, I worked as a beauty advisor at a drug store. A married, 44-year-old man began visiting me every day. He told me he lived across the street from me and had been watching me. He brought me gifts, food, money, etc. I 100% had daddy issues and accepted his advances — albeit with so much fear and anxiety — as I desperately wanted to fill a void inside myself that made me feel utterly worthless. This man was a predator that played the part of a hero saving me from my difficult upbringing. When I hugged him, I felt like I finally had a father figure as sick as that is. I dared not tell my mom and lived a year of hell as he used me over and over. When I cried and begged him to let me go, he pinned me to a wall and told me I can cry and scream and call the cops, but he would never let me go. I hated myself for so long for what I did, but now, as a 25-year-old woman, I recognize he was a predatory asshole."
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you've been the target of revenge porn, the Federal Trade Commission has outlined some resources available to you, as well as some steps you can take to protect yourself.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.