Note: This post contains mentions of rape, substance abuse, and domestic abuse.
"Relationships" between older men and younger women — or, more accurately, girls — have long been normalized. As a result, it's often difficult for girls and young women today to recognize predatory attention from older men, especially when they're teenagers who are grappling with their identity and self-worth in a society that equates male attention with value.
Although large age gaps in relationships are not inherently problematic, they often result in a power dynamic wherein the partner with lesser experience — in this case, younger girls — feel little sense of agency. To shed light on this, we asked women of the BuzzFeed Community who've "dated" older men as teenagers and later realized they were predators to share their experiences. These are some of the countless responses:
1. "I was 15 years old, and Yahoo! still had their chat rooms up. I have always been bigger, and it always held me back. I was always so jealous of my friends who had relationships and who people found attractive. I'd usually go to chat rooms to talk to guys and feel better about myself. I only met someone in person once. He was a cop who was twice my age. You think, Oh, a policeman, nothing can go wrong there. In some ways, it didn't. I lost my virginity to him in the front seat of a truck, parked across from a park. I met him twice after that — one time at my house. I never realized how stupid I was. He never hit or abused me in a physical or verbal way. He was 33 at the time. I'm 33 now. I play back many of those memories and think about how manipulative he actually was, and how demented the scenario and my train of thought were then."
2. "I was 15, and he was 19 when we first started dating. I was desperate for love and attention, and I'd struggled with self-worth for years. After a few weeks, he began hounding me for more sexual discussions and nudes. He said, 'I love you so much. ... If you love me, you'll do it.' I was a child and didn't want to lose him, so I did it. I think I was barely 16 when it started. We dated for about six months until I broke up with him for someone local. Looking back, it's the smartest thing I've ever done. To this day — he's in his 30s now — he will randomly email me a nude of mine or send it via social media just to remind me that he still has them."
"He hasn't shared them to my knowledge, but the fact that I know he still looks at them really creeps me out." —audreyunashamed
3. "I was 16 and working at McDonald's, where I became 'friends' with a 25-year-old coworker. I remember having so much fun with him during work, but it wasn't long before rumors started flying about the two of us. Our 'friendship' soon turned to him asking and pressuring me to make those rumors true. I was young, had a lot of self-hatred, and was lonely, so I gave in. He made me feel loved and like he was my friend. Now, I look back and realize he had groomed me the whole time. At almost 20, I see what he truly did to me."
4. "I met my 28-year-old manager when I was 16 and on meds for depression and anxiety. Everyone around him loved him and went on about how nice and thoughtful he was. We got together when I was 17. Two months later, the criticism started: I was too fat, my nose was too big, my clothes were ugly, I was wrong about everything. … I thought he just knew better than me, and I was an overly sensitive kid."
"One of the worst parts is that my dad fully supported it and hasn’t shown any regret for it to this day, despite me telling him it was abusive and weird." —inclinination345
5. "I was 18, and he was 25. When I was 17, I started babysitting his kids. They were all under 7, but he had a stepdaughter who was 13, so only five years my junior. As soon as I turned 18, he was all about me. He told me that he and his wife were separating, that he didn’t love her anymore, and that he wanted me. I thought his wife was crazy for getting angry with me."
6. "When I was 15, my BFF — who was 16 at the time — was dating an 'older' guy. He was 18 and in university. His friends were also older, and one of them took an interest in me. He said he was 25, and even then, I felt it was kind of wrong. However, I was very flattered because I liked him. In the two weeks he 'courted' me, he became super manipulative and obsessive. One day, we were in his car, and he had to show his ID for the place we were going to enter. I jokingly took it out of his hands, and he panicked. I looked at his birth date, and he was actually 32! I freaked out and never saw him again."
"As an adult, I've thought of that often. While I'm grateful nothing ever happened apart from kissing, any memories of him still enrage me." —defiant_respect
7. "I was 15 and fond of my high school teacher who was 45 at the time. I told him I really liked the way he taught his class. Then, he called me to a private place, hugged me, and, in my ear, told me that he'd had dirty dreams about me. It made me feel special. Long story short, I ended up going to his place to have oral sex. I found out later that he had done this same thing with other girls from school. It took me 15 years to understand that he was a predator."
8. "I was 18, in my senior year of high school, and he was in his mid-20s and in the Marines. I was in a Facebook group I probably should not have been in, and he messaged me. He said he and his wife were polyamorous and looking for a third person. We messaged for a while, and then he asked to pick me up. It felt wonky, so I said I couldn’t get away because my mom would notice and I had school. After that, we started sexting. His wife eventually messaged me angrily, and I blocked them both. He was not in a polygamous relationship and should not have been pursuing a freshly 18, still-in-high-school child. I hope his wife understands what happened — that I didn’t mean to be the other woman and that I was too young to understand."
"I also hope she doesn’t blame me and is mad at him for pursuing anyone, let alone a high-schooler." —elliebaby
9. "When I was 16, I met someone who said he was in his early-20s. At the time, I lived with a mom going through substance abuse. It was easy to do as I pleased. He would only take me out at night and to where no one would see us — hotels, his sister's house when she was gone, his truck in a park. It was always only sex. Never a movie or going out to eat or anything. After a few months, he told me he was in love with me and confessed that he was almost 30. I look back now as a woman in my 30s, and I'm disgusted that he knowingly took advantage of a teenage girl in a bad home situation."
10. "I was 15. He was 42. I was in a really bad place mentally when he found me. He made me feel so beautiful but then went insane. He wanted me to stay up all night talking to him, even when I had school. Whenever I did talk to him, he’d accuse me of texting someone else. He also hated that I didn’t want to send him nudes. Because I refused, he made me have phone sex. Yes, made me — he constantly threatened me. First, he threatened to tell my mom. Then, he threatened to hurt my mom. After, he told me he knew where I lived, and if I didn’t do what he wanted, he’d take me away. He even made a Facebook profile using pictures with my face that he edited. I was terrified of what he was doing to me. But when he wanted to be, he was kind and made me feel special. He knew that I was fat and had a disability but still claimed to love me. In fact, he said he'd be the only one who ever loved me. I believed him. After all, what teenage idiot would date someone who wasn’t a supermodel?"
"I finally cut it off for good when I turned 18. He wanted me to move in with him, but I was still in high school. I blocked him in every way possible on the app we used to talk and text, and then I deleted it for good. I’d done it before, but I always went back to him when I was weak. This time, though, I knew that I couldn’t go back, not when he wanted me to move in. That was way out of my comfort zone.
I finally told my mom about it this year. I broke down crying, and she told me that it was okay because I 'made a mistake.' Somehow, I believed her. It was my fault. I could’ve and should’ve ended it sooner.
My therapist says that it isn’t, but I just can’t shake the fact that, for a while, I loved him, and I thought he loved me. What’s really crazy is that sometimes, really late at night, I miss it when he called me beautiful. He may have been manipulative, but damn, was he good at it." —hollysmith3
11. "I met the high school soccer coach of a different school at a graduation party for one of his players. I had just graduated, too, and we dated for that summer before I left for college. His friends never wanted him to bring his 'high school girlfriend' around, especially because his best friend taught at another local high school. I hated them for it at the time."
12. "I was 17 when an older man started coming to my work and flirting with me. I assumed he was in his late-20s but realized he was in his early-30s after I had gone on a few dates with him. I was aware that this was messed up, but I was not experienced. Guys at my school thought I was a nerd. Here was a guy who thought I was sexy and beautiful. I liked going on dates with him, but I felt nervous knowing how little control I had in any given situation. I lost my virginity to him, and while it was technically consensual, looking back, I see how weird it really was."
"Fast-forward to a few weeks later: His wife, who I never knew about, contacted me and told me to leave her husband alone. I was mortified.
Again, guys at my school saw me as the quiet nerd, so if you don't think your quiet, studious daughter could fall prey to something like this, think again." —Anonymous, Pennsylvania
13. "I was 16 years old and crushing on my stepmother’s brother. He was in his late-20s or early-30s. He took me to a strip club, got me served, and tried to have sex with me that first night (I was a virgin but so in awe of him). Luckily, Aunt Flo was in town, so I said no. We fooled around, and he held me until we fell asleep. This went on for a few weeks, but, thankfully, I never agreed to sex. The worst part, I realize now, is that the two times my stepmom caught me in his bed in the morning, I was the one in trouble. She said that if it happened a third time, she would tell my dad, and I would be in serious trouble."
14. "I was 18, a freshman in college, and he was 36. I thought I was so cool for having an older boyfriend. What I realize now, at 34, is that I wasn’t cool; he was just creepy. He would introduce me to his friends as his 18-year-old girlfriend. Every time, he would mention my age."
"Neither he nor any of his friends had anything in common with me. I felt so insecure because they were actual adults, and I wasn’t even old enough to go to a bar." —lindsayb4bf85de3d
15. "A 40-year-old married cop with kids asked me out every day from when I was 16 until he broke me down four months shy of my 18th birthday. He would sneak me and my best friend into bars to drink with him and his 43-year-old married cop partner. They would follow us home in their police cars when we'd drive home drunk. We'd meet and make out in his car at a park in the dark while he was on duty. I thought I was so grown. I bragged to a coworker about what was going on, and she threatened the cop with telling his wife. He never bothered me again. She also told my mom. I was mad back then, but thank god for her."
16. "When I was 17, I met a man who was 30. He quickly gained my trust and pushed himself into my life as the one I should turn to for everything and the only one who really understood me. Whilst we were 'friends,' he would list the reasons why anyone my own age was too immature for me to date and how they couldn't give me the freedom and responsibility I apparently needed. To his friends, I was some joke prize. They'd clap him on the back for having a really young girlfriend. He soon got me pregnant and stuck in a toxic and abusive relationship. He then exploited my age as to why I didn't understand what real relationships were like. He made me think I couldn't leave him because if I did, it proved that I was the child he thought I was who couldn't handle an adult relationship."
"He cut me off from family and friends. Again, he'd use their immaturity as a reason to get rid of them — despite him being just as, if not more, immature. He would apologize after being abusive, prey on my emotions, and pretend to cry only to carry on the abuse as soon as the dust had settled.
I finally got out, but it took me until my 20s — when he was nearing 40 — to realize how much of a hold he had over me, how he had groomed me for this when I was too young to understand what I was getting into, and how bad this was." —Anonymous, United Kingdom
17. "I was 14 when a 22-year-old guy — who worked at the arcade in the mall that my friends frequented — started grooming me. All my friends thought he was so cool, so I wanted to be accepted by him as well. He initially gave me attention, making me feel like part of the group. He then retracted it and started making comments about what he thought was cool. I began to do those things to feel included, and not only did he begin including me again, but he also started showing 'interest' in me. As an outcast and the black sheep of my family and at school, this was a big deal to me. Eventually, he began pressuring me romantically and then sexually. He is currently in jail for grooming and sexually assaulting two other girls my age — at the same time he was doing it to me."
18. "I was a junior in high school, and he was my 28-year-old boss at my first job. We got along right away. Little by little, we began texting more intimately and sexting. A close coworker of mine noticed our flirty ways at work and told me to stay away from him and that he’s bad news. I didn’t want to get him in trouble, so I denied it. He ended up getting fired for something else work-related. After his firing, I found out he had done this previously to another girl I went to high school with and also worked this job. That’s when I realized that this was his thing; he preyed on high school girls."
"He would know how to gain our trust in a new situation to make us feel comfortable and included. I still find myself thinking back on what a creep this guy was and how wrong this was for someone that much older to prey on their younger staff." —Anonymous, Illinois
19. "He was my assistant basketball coach. I met him when I was 15. It wasn’t until my senior year — I was 17, he was 23 — that we worked together consistently enough to develop a relationship. It started near the end of basketball season. I kept it a total secret. We would meet up in parking lots to make out. I confided in a close teammate who was very close with our coach, and she got so angry with me that she cried. She accused me of ruining her future coaching relationship with him and told our entire team. The season had ended by then, but it blew up my senior year. Everyone hated me except my closest friends who were on my side. I lost long-term friendships, and even our head coach — who was best friends with our assistant — told me to apologize to my teammates. I realized then that I was not in the wrong and that my coach was the one who bore responsibility for what happened. It had a massive impact on who I am as a person in my adulthood."
20. "I started 'hanging out' with my (now ex) boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 26. I thought it was so romantic that he waited until midnight of my 18th birthday to kiss me — so fucked up. My dad always refused to meet him, and looking back, I’m surprised his reaction wasn’t worse!"
"During that relationship, he stole my car, pressured me into coming back from my long-anticipated Europe trip early, and stole thousands of dollars from me." —Anonymous, Manitoba, Canada
21. "I literally don't know a girl who hasn't experienced at least unwanted attention from an older man. For me, it was Gavin, who worked in our local bowling alley. He was at least 18 to be working there and paid me and my girlfriends (14 to 15) a lot of attention, which we all vied for. Turned out, he liked me — much to the disgust of my friend who actually stopped talking to me for two weeks over it, but we're still very good friends now, don't worry! He asked me out, and by out, I mean to his flat that he rented with his girlfriend. She was at work, so he put on some soft porn. I was not at all comfortable, and he encouraged me to give him a blow job. I remember stopping halfway through, saying I didn't like it, but he persisted, and I continued. It was horrible. I wish I could go back and stop myself. He was actually 21 and knew I was 15. I saw him and his girlfriend years later, and I hid like I was the guilty party. It just makes me so sad."
22. “We had family friends whose youngest son was four years older than me. We hung out a lot, and our parents thought nothing of it. His mom called me the little sister he never had. By the time I was 14 (he was 18), he'd kiss, grope, and do sexual things with me whenever we were alone. He'd always talk about having a future with me; getting married, having kids, and arguing about where to live. Yet, he never seemed to want to be with me. We were never officially a couple. I always knew without him having to tell me that I wasn't to tell our families. When I was about to turn 18 (he was 22 and had finished university), I met a guy my age, and it was all just so simple: I liked him; he liked me. I didn't feel confused by his behavior, and I didn't feel pressured into anything. It then hit me how much I'd gone along with that I hadn't wanted to do but that he'd pressured me into doing gently, subtly, and over a long period of time."
