"Novelist Margaret Atwood writes that when she asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women, he answered, 'They are afraid women will laugh at them.' When she asked a group of women why they feel threatened by men, they said, 'We're afraid of being killed.'" Though you might recognize Atwood as the author of The Handmaid's Tale, her popular anecdote — quoted above from Mary Dickson — exposes that while men and women may live in the same world, they experience different realities.
So when u/metallicmuffin recently asked women, "What things do men do that frighten you without them even realizing it?" many women responded, sharing not only certain things men do but also stories of their own experiences:
1. "Happened a few times: I was working late in a small market with no one around when they came in and asked me whether or not I'm scared to be alone. Well, now I am, thanks."
2. "A guy I'm seeing took me out to a baseball game for our first date. It was nice. I didn't get any weird vibes from him at all. After the game, he asked if I wanted to go see some of the spots where he likes to go walking. I didn't think much about it until we got there, and I realized that he was basically taking me to the woods in the dark. He told me to follow him, and I'm thinking I'm about to get killed. Turns out, he just wanted to show me his favorite place to go on walks and chill because you can see the entire city from there."
3. "'I don't know why you're acting so cautious. If I wanted to kill you, I would have already done it.' This was said to me by a friend of a friend I was meeting because it was his first time in a foreign country."
4. "I hung out with a guy I knew from high school that I hadn't seen in years. He is physically about four times my size and was acting a little strange — trying to touch me, invade my personal space even after I'd made it clear I wasn't interested, etc. I was nervous and shaking like a leaf trying to figure out how to gently extract myself from the situation. What scared me more than anything was him saying things like, 'I don't know why you're so nervous. It's not like I'm going to rape you.'"
5. "Standing too close. How do you know if it's too close? I'll back up half a step. Don't match it."
6. "Years ago, I went out with this dude. During snacks and a drink, it was pretty clear we weren't a good match. I politely turned down another round and thanked him. Then, I put my bag over my shoulder and began walking to the bar to pay. Not more than two steps from the table, the dude YANKS my purse strap and says, 'What? No hug?' Really taken aback, I hugged him and shuffled quickly to pay and get out of there."
7. "Sitting right next to me when I don't know you and there are plenty of other seats available."
8. "Wanting to take me somewhere isolated to be just the two of us on the first date. It's OK if we've been hanging out for a while, but not if it's the first time I see you in person. Whenever this happens, I come up with an excuse not to go to that place. I just don't feel safe since I barely know the other person. The worst part is when they try so hard to convince me to go with them. This makes me feel more and more uncomfortable."
"I've never ghosted anyone, and I've tried to tell the truth to make the other person understand that I didn’t feel comfortable. Something I’ve been told many times is: 'What do you mean you don't feel comfortable? Do you think I'm a crazy psychopath who rapes or kills people? Come on, don't say nonsense. Let's go, get in the car.'
I mean, is this supposed to make me feel safe? The way they react makes it seem like I’m offending them, which is clearly not my intention. That’s why I started making up excuses. They stop insisting only when they know that something bigger is preventing me from going. I’m fully aware of the fact that not everyone has bad intentions, but it’s not something I can understand immediately the first time I hang out with someone." —u/Several-Stable-9051
9. "Not taking no for an answer — especially when they pretend to be joking about it, but you can clearly tell they're kind of pissed (if that makes sense)."
10. "Asking personal questions that have nothing to do with why you are communicating in the first place. Example: I'm getting my muffler welded and being asked by the welder, 'Where do you live?' 'How long have you lived there?' 'Do you have roommates, or is it just you?' Plus, 30 more personal and invasive questions."
11. "Not going away when I have made it abundantly clear that I am not interested."
12. "I was walking today, and a guy on a motorcycle pulled up on me three times. I mean, dude, if I don't want to engage, then don't follow me and continue to pull over to meet me."
13. "Pick me up. I'm short and have a slight build. It's not that I'm scared of them trying to prove how strong they are — I'm just terrified of being dropped."
14. "It's not frightening, per se, but it definitely makes me wary because it could lead to situations that are frightening: When talking to a guy, he's super pushy — like, asking for pics of this and that (and that) and still being pushy even after I say no. All that makes me do is not want to meet him. If he's this pushy via messaging, how pushy is he going to be in person? If he can't take no now, what are the odds he can take no in person?"
15. "Physical intimidation. Standing too close to me or backing me into a corner and making me feel trapped. It puts me on the defensive so fast."
16. "He 'opened' the train door for me to get off (it opens automatically), and I said, 'Thanks.' He took that as an invitation and followed me through the station, trying to talk to me. I was polite but dismissive. He was creeping me out, so I stopped to top up my MetroCard even though I didn't need to. He stopped and waited for me. I pretended I didn't see him, but he followed me out of the station, asking me where I lived and if I had a boyfriend. He then asked if I had Facebook and if my boyfriend had my Facebook password. He told me, 'You don't need to be scared of me. I just want to be friends.' By this stage, I was fully freaked and texting my boyfriend about it. I didn't want to go to my bus stop in case he followed me home, so I walked to the most populated street I could find, still ignoring him while he followed me."
17. "Hovering. Don’t hover behind me. That’s one of the very few things that makes me nervous."
18. "Being overly familiar with me in a situation I cannot leave. I used to ride the bus home from work, and my schedule varied very little. This led to me getting on the same bus at 10:20 p.m. at the same stop every night. A man who rode the bus at the same time, on the same nights, took this as me wanting to be his friend. He immediately started asking me super personal questions, like, 'You must live around here because you always get off the bus after me!' 'Who are you texting? I wish I could text you!' 'Who do you live with?' 'You must work at [place] because you always walk from over there!' This is all after I told him that I didn't want to talk or go out with him."
19. "Blocking the doorway — especially during an argument. My ex did that and would make himself bigger (spreading his arms, etc.) so I couldn't leave the room."
20. "Going to the bar to get you a drink without you there to watch the bartender pour it. If I don't know you well, I won't accept a drink from your hands...ever. Straight from the bartender to me."
21. "If we're making out for the first time and they do something aggressive — like pinning your arms over your head and then holding both wrists with one hand. It can be hot as fuck, but if I don't know you that well, there's a terrifying moment where I wonder what I'm in for."
"I agree with all of that. My boyfriend did the arm pinning thing early on, but, after he caught my hands, he paused, leaned in close, bit my earlobe, and whispered, 'This okay?'" —u/metallicmuffin
22. "While I was walking to pick up my son from daycare a guy stopped me on the street to ask me for directions to museums. This isn't uncommon since I work in a touristy area in DC so I kindly answered his questions and planned to keep walking. But he persisted, saying, 'Oh, you must be a local! I just moved here from New York. Do you want to get coffee?' I laughed lightly and responded, 'No, thanks. I'm not really social.' He then went, 'Well you're laughing and smiling; you could have fooled me!' So I declined again and told him I had to go pick up my son, to which he said, 'Wow, you have a son? How old is he? Do you live in the neighborhood? Let's get a drink!' I just reiterated the museum directions and left. It's uncomfortable that trying to be helpful and friendly to someone looking for directions turns into being asked out not once but twice. It's the kind of thing that makes me not want to be helpful to strangers."
23. "When men try to show off their 'dominance' over you or anyone else. For instance, when you mention something to a guy about another guy, and he goes, 'I'll kill anyone who talks to you.' It's quite frightening, really."
24. "Pretending we're deeper friends than we are, being overly familiar, and then acting like they have a 'right' to you. I had a guy do this in college."
"When I told him he didn’t get to dictate who I talk to, he spat his drink in my face. I barely knew him!" —u/gorillaboy75
25. "This one may be intentional, but it gives me the absolute creeps when men try to squeeze past me and lightly put their hands on me, especially my waist. I hate it. Just say, 'Excuse me.'"
26. "Telling me things they would do to me if I didn't have a husband."
27. "Approaching while in a car and blocking our path with said car. This happened while I was on a walk, so he could have parked, approached on foot, and maintained a respectable distance."
"I was out for a run one time, and a car drove past me, turned around to come back to me, and tried to hit on me. Like, no." —u/sandraver
28. "Pushing my wheelchair to 'help' me and be a 'gentleman.' You're literally abducting me. It's no different, from my perspective, than you picking up an able-bodied woman and running off with her."
29. "This guy — who I sometimes see at work and has at least 20 years on me — fucking pulled my ponytail to 'say hi' one time. I was so shocked that I just smiled awkwardly and didn't say anything. What world are you living in that you think that's okay?"
"I was able to talk to him later that day about how that wasn't acceptable and to not do anything like it in the future. He actually took it pretty well and has been fine to work with since. In this case, since there was no escalation, and I know my boss and other coworkers have my back, I didn't feel the need to do anything further." —u/almeisan_s
30. "Invading my space. I used a massage chair a few weeks ago at the gym. It's one of the newer models that will lift you and bring you to a reclined position about 3 feet off the ground. (I'm 5'1", so for some, that may not seem too high, but for me, it’s a pretty elevated feeling.) There was this man who walked into the room, kept looking at me, and tapped me to ask me my name and tell me I'm 'pretty.' I had headphones in, my eyes were shut, and I CLEARLY was not wanting to engage with anyone. I flashed him my engagement ring (my fiancé wasn’t at the gym at the time) and told him my fiancé was coming to join me. I never saw a man book it so hard."
31. "Please don't talk to or approach a woman pumping gas, especially at night. I'm sure the moon does look amazing, but I am not interested right now. Gas stations are creepy enough without having to make small talk with a stranger."
"This goes for parking lots at night as well." —u/museum-mama
Do you get unintentionally freaked out when men do these things to you? If you're a man, have you ever realized that these can make women uncomfortable? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
Note: Responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.