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43 Things Bernie Sanders Is Probably Doing Today

Just playing the Rocky music to himself and doing air punches in the bathroom mirror.

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1. Pointing at himself in his hotel mirror over and over again while shouting "winner!"

2. Trying on a Donald Trump wig and saying "yuuuuge" to himself.

3. Having a big bath in money, all of which came in small donations.

4. Drag racing sports cars around winding, mountainous New Hampshire roads.

5. Adopting a labradoodle, bringing it home, and promising that it can run free through the West Wing some day.

6. Visiting the Lizard Overlords to inform them of his success in the New Hampshire primary.

7. Hastily reading the Wikipedia entry on Nevada.

8. Booking tickets to see Britney Spears in Vegas.

9. Just spending a rejuvenating day in the spa with a massage and a facial.

10. Calling Hillary Clinton's aides and asking, "Is your refrigerator running?" and when they say "yes", shouting "WELL THEN YOU'D BETTER GO CATCH IT!" and hanging up the phone.

11. Channeling the adrenaline of victory into setting a new personal bench press record, while muttering to himself "FEEL THE BERN! FEEL IT!"

12. Just laughing maniacally, for hours and hours and hours.

13. Peacefully re-reading Capital in the Twenty-First Century and drinking a nice hot chocolate.

14. Trolling banks on Twitter with one of his many fake accounts.

15. Running through a small New Hampshire town stealing Hillary signs.

16. Jumping up and down on his hotel bed and giggling.

17. Covering the walls of his hotel room with pictures of Donald Trump, connected with pins and bits of red string, and muttering "soon" to himself.

18. Doing doughnuts in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

19. Browsing the Bed Bath & Beyond website, and making a wish list of curtain fabrics to redecorate the Oval Office.

20. Getting a "New Hampshire 4 Lyfe xoxo" tattoo on his lower back.

21. Demanding that everyone on his campaign bus watch The Big Bang Theory with him, and getting mad when they don't laugh.

22. Trying to get people on his campaign bus to play Monopoly with him, then getting mad when everybody complains that he just redistributes their property any time they look like winning.

23. Standing outside Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters holding an old boom box playing faintly sinister zither music.

24. Filming himself running up and down stairs then editing it into a powerful training montage.

25. Having a bit of a shout.

26. Explaining inequality to a squirrel who ran up to him while he sat peacefully on a park bench enjoying the crisp early morning sunlight.

27. Calling up Hillary and saying "So, what say we make this a little more interesting? Twenty bucks? Huh? Huh? What about it? Or are you too chicken?"

28. Calling up his bank to arrange payment for a plumber who sorted out his pipes while he was on the campaign trail, and sighing quietly to himself when the person on the other end is all like "oh suddenly you like banks again."

29. Watching episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and muttering "I don't see it."

30. Playing Words With Friends with Jeremy Corbyn.

31. Just dancing around in his underwear, like back in the good old days.

32. Smoking a cigar wrapped in actual gold (another small donation), which he lit with a $20 bill (also a small donation).

33. Picking out an inauguration outfit.

34. Saying "My fellow Americans" over and over to try and get his "President voice" right.

35. WhatsApping Michael Bloomberg every 20 minutes with the words "don't you fucking dare."

36. Watching Beyoncé's Super Bowl performance and muttering about "young people music" in an avuncular way.

37. Taking off his mask and revealing that he was actually Hillary Clinton all along.

38. Going outside in shorts in the cold New Hampshire climate and then going "Brrrrr! Knee!" and giggling to himself.

39. Researching product recalls for sanding machines that keep catching fire in an attempt to make a contrived "burny sanders" joke.

40. Making a Spotify playlist of every song with the word "burn" in the title.

41. Adopting a cat and naming it "The Senator for Furmont".

42. Adopting another cat and calling it "The Senator for Purrmont".

43. Redistributin'.