42 Things Nigel Farage Can Do Now He's Quit As UKIP Leader
Nigel Farage has resigned as UKIP leader, saying, "I want my life back." So what will he get up to now?
1. Spending more time in his garden, which has got rather unkempt after his eight years as UKIP leader.
2. Taking back control of his courgettes from the invading slugs.
3. Stirring up racial discontent among his courgettes.
4. Quietly joining the Conservative party.
5. Getting into bird watching.
6. Spotting a small group of turtle doves that have migrated from the south for the summer.
7. Getting really angry about the turtle doves.
8. Stirring up racial discontent among the British-born birds in his garden.
9. Getting into an argument with the customer service representative from his bank about a problem with his card while trying to pay the membership fee to join the Conservative party.
10. Being apologetic with the customer service representative when it’s all sorted out.
11. Celebrating joining the Conservative party with a warm, sturdy ale.
12. Sending Theresa May a friendly text about her outfit.
13. Revisiting the novel he always wanted to write – a thriller about an outsider politician who discovers an establishment conspiracy and brings the elite to account through a combination of good old-fashioned common sense and keen marksmanship.
14. Honing the first line of his novel – "His opponents may have arrogantly dismissed him as a buffoon or a caricature, but those who knew Clive Durand well understood that behind his easygoing, man-of-the-people charm was a mind sharper than any you'd find in the ivory towers of Westminster" – until it’s perfect.
15. Meticulously crafting the subtle characterisation of his hero’s sidekick – a feisty young left-wing feminist journalist, who initially is assigned by her corrupt editor to write a hit piece on Clive Durand, but gradually becomes won over by his plain-speaking ways and eventually realises that he's right about everything.
16. Re-reading the sex scene where his hero makes passionate love to the feisty journalist.
17. Going back through his novel to delete all the French-sounding words.
18. Going back through his novel to delete every E and U.
19. Sending a draft of his novel to Rupert Murdoch to see what he thinks.
20. Sending Theresa May another friendly text about her outfit.
21. Bit of online shopping.
22. Putting in a new kitchen.
23. Sitting around in a threadbare bathrobe eating crisps and watching the political chaos unfold on telly.
24. Spending more time with his vast collection of union jack–themed clothing.
25. Stirring up racial tension among his vast collection of union jack–themed clothing.
26. Sending a gift basket of posh British cheeses to Theresa May’s office along with a note that says “Yours, Lord Farage ;)”.
27. Chasing the migratory birds out of his garden with a broom.
28. Designing a poster to show all the other birds how there just isn’t room for any more migratory birds in the garden.
29. Watering his courgettes with a warm, sturdy ale.
30. Squishing the slugs in his garden to death, one by one, with his union jack shoes.
31. Catching up on Orange Is the New Black.
32. Getting really emotional about the Crazy Eyes plot line in Orange Is the New Black.
33. Becoming a lord.
34. Trying to beat his record on Candy Crush.
35. Being appointed chancellor in Theresa May’s cabinet.
36. Taking his union jack shoes to the dry cleaner’s to get all the slug off.
37. Mounting a coup against Theresa May as prime minister.
38. Going for long walks in his nice clean shoes.
39. Planting more courgettes.
40. Becoming prime minister.
41. Stirring up racial tension.
42. Drinking a warm, sturdy ale.