49 Excuses You Can Use If England Don’t Win

It’s all Bertie the rabbit’s fault.

Michael Regan / Getty Images/GlobalP/Thinkstock

1. State of the pitch.
2. The heat.
3. The humidity.
4. The rain.
5. The lack of rain.
6. Wrong type of rain.
7. Ball lightning.
8. All of the snow caused us problems.
9. Leaves on the goal line.
10. Industrial action.
11. No, seriously, the state of the pitch.
12. Incompetent refereeing decisions.
13. Competent refereeing decisions.
14. Stadiums got finished on time.
15. Amazon Rainforest wasn’t paved over to put up a car park.
16. Playing in a jungle causes traumatic I’m A Celebrity flashbacks for England players.
17. Ball was too light.
18. Ball was not light enough.
19. England players kept thinking of funny Ed Balls jokes every time they saw the ball.
20. England team distracted by Andrea Pirlo’s effortless good looks.
21. “Oh, in the net? I thought it was the big sticky up white thing you were supposed to hit.”
22. Uruguay lost and upset the balance of the universe.
23. Literally anybody English who was eating a Fray Bentos pie tonight.
24. Or drinking Uruguayan wine. Is Uruguayan wine a thing?
25. Jordan Henderson very concerned about situation in Iraq.
26. Justin Bieber “racist video” scandal hit team morale pretty hard.
27. Uruguayan team kept saying things in Spanish, unnerving England team.
28. England players went on really ill-advised Ayahuasca retreat.
29. England players believe they are receiving instructions from an eel god.
30. England players attempt to remove own skin because “it is a prison for our souls”.
31. Uruguay sportsball kickteam put more goaldowns in our netbox.
32. Massive argument between Gary Cahill and Phil Jagielka about interpretation of Thomas Piketty’s Capital In The 21st Century.
33. NO REALLY THE STATE OF THE PITCH.
34. Innate English sense of ennui.
35. England players pretty drunk.
36. Roy Hodgson addicted to playing Football Manager instead of actually being football manager.
37. Roy Hodgson listened to the fans and played an attacking formation.
38. No-one asked Tony Adams what he thought until this morning.
39. David Beckham too old.
40. Sepp Blatter, somehow.
41. Someone in the crowd shouting “Come on Tim” repeatedly.
42. Uruguayans unsportingly refuse to agree with “no goalies in second half” rule.
43. Uruguayans also not down with “next goal wins” offer when 3-0 up.
44. Joe Hart loses contact lens twenty minutes in.
45. England team bought low quality shinpads.
46. England team forgot kit and had to play in pants.
47. Bertie, a six foot tall rabbit that only Steven Gerrard can see who whispers negative thoughts at him.
48. Uruguayans quite good at football.
49. England not that great at football.

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Tom Phillips is the UK editorial director for BuzzFeed and is based in London.
 
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