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23 Things People Who Aren't Going To Glastonbury Are Tired Of Hearing

Oh god, please stop talking to me about druids.

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6. People tweeting, "I just heard an amazing rumour about who's playing a secret gig."

Rosie Greenway / Getty Images

I heard that Prince is doing a secret gig in The Glade with David Bowie, Beyoncé, and a hologram of Elvis.

7. The concept of the "secret" performance in its entirety.

Ben Birchall/PA Images

It just means a famous band plays on a small stage, which means no one can actually get there or see anything.


8. "Of course the real action happens up at Lost Vagueness/Trash City/Shangri-La/whatever it's called this year."

Matt Cardy / Getty Images

This is a place an hour's trudging distance from where you are. When you get there, the crush is so immense you can't get in.


13. Anybody acting surprised by the price of food.

Matt Cardy / Getty Images

You are, quite literally, a captive market. You are exhausted and starving and you're being held prisoner in a peat bog with a giant metal fence around it. Be thankful the burger van staff don't demand sexual favours.


19. People telling everybody their "Glastonbury mobile number".

Anthony Devlin/PA Images

Because I definitely want to ring you when you're knee-deep in mud and can't remember your own name.

20. "Of course there's much more to Glastonbury than just the music."

Ian Gavan / Getty Images

Translation: You made a wicker doll while chatting to a girl from Ernst & Young called Harriet.

22. "The sun has come out for [insert band here]!"

Matt Cardy / Getty Images

The weather is a system of incredible complexity and awesome power. It does not change its plans for the benefit of Kasabian.


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