1. Anybody calling it “Glasto”.
2. Anybody talking about “the vibe”.
Translation: a load of secretly posh blokes with dreads doing poi.
3. “It’s a really spiritual place.”
No, you’ve just taken some drugs. An Asda car park feels spiritual when you’re off your baps on funny pills.
4. “It’s, like, sooo hedonistic.”
A bunch of people sitting in drizzle doing laughing gas during a boring set by The Courteeners.
5. “It’s like a whole city!”
It’s like a whole city before they invented houses or plumbing.
6. People tweeting, “I just heard an amazing rumour about who’s playing a secret gig.”
I heard that Prince is doing a secret gig in The Glade with David Bowie, Beyoncé, and a hologram of Elvis.
7. The concept of the “secret” performance in its entirety.
It just means a famous band plays on a small stage, which means no one can actually get there or see anything.
8. “Of course the real action happens up at Lost Vagueness/Trash City/Shangri-La/whatever it’s called this year.”
This is a place an hour’s trudging distance from where you are. When you get there, the crush is so immense you can’t get in.
9. “Veterans” complaining about how the festival has totally changed.
Well, don’t bloody go then.
10. “It’s got too corporate.”
Bet the first thing you do when you leave on Monday is head for the nearest Starbucks.
11. People complaining about mud.
Maybe you should have thought about this before going to stand in a field for five days.
12. News reports saying “revellers are enjoying the mud”.
Three revellers are. Everybody else is giving them a very wide berth.
13. Anybody acting surprised by the price of food.
You are, quite literally, a captive market. You are exhausted and starving and you’re being held prisoner in a peat bog with a giant metal fence around it. Be thankful the burger van staff don’t demand sexual favours.
14. Flower crowns.
15. Personalised wellington boots.
Fuck even offer.
16. “Healing fields”.
Pretty sure those fields are more likely to cause disease than heal it.
17. Anything about bongos being inspiring.
18. Any reference to it being “countercultural”.
It’s just Reading/Leeds with more prosecco.
19. People telling everybody their “Glastonbury mobile number”.
Because I definitely want to ring you when you’re knee-deep in mud and can’t remember your own name.
20. “Of course there’s much more to Glastonbury than just the music.”
Translation: You made a wicker doll while chatting to a girl from Ernst & Young called Harriet.
21. Jo Wiley’s forced enthusiasm as she introduces a jazz poet she’s never heard of.
“Amazing. Just incredible.”
22. “The sun has come out for [insert band here]!”
The weather is a system of incredible complexity and awesome power. It does not change its plans for the benefit of Kasabian.
23. “That performance is one we’ll be talking about for years to come.”
Oh god, I really hope you don’t.