The Rose Ceremony Once Again Truly Delivered In Tonight's Episode Of "Bachelor In Paradise"

    Everyone bow down to Queen Laurina.

    Tahlia Pritchard
    by Tahlia Pritchard

    BuzzFeed Staff, Australia

    Hello! Can you believe it's only Monday?

    Jive

    I know, it feels like we've been living in Keira and Jarrod's tumultuous world for 84 years, but settle in, because it's about to get worse.

    Jarrod is heaps mad this episode. You can tell because his face is bright red and he keeps aggressively yelling at the camera.

    Network Ten

    Jarrod says Grant and Daniel have arrived and torn the place to shreds, but I deadset thought he said Grant Denyer and I was so confused.

    Twitter: @grantdenyer

    Here's a handy clue for this episode: Don't take a shot of tequila every time Jarrod screams "THEY'VE TAKEN ALL OUR WOMEN" or something similar. Trust me. Don't. Do. It.

    As the boys hypothesise about a new "sausage" being brought in (honestly, Aussie men, I just... never mind), sure enough a new arrival makes his way up the path. And guess who's finally arrived!!!

    Network Ten

    Gotcha. It's not Apollo. It's some American dude called Jared. Fuck.

    WHERE. THE. FUCK. IS. APOLLO????

    Network Ten

    With the tally now being at 11 men and eight women, Tara aptly describes it as like "being at Bunnings on a Saturday".

    Meanwhile Jarrod keeps talking about the American/Canadian men "stealing their Aussie women".

    Network Ten

    FUCK< OFFF+OIKgvJJNGsngvsnsgvn. JARROD. WOMEN ARE NOT OBJECTS TO STEAL.

    "These Americans are turning every rock over and pulling out every other girl from underneath that rock," Jarrod fumes. Ever think the girls were hiding under a rock because of you, pal?

    Ali decides she has a bit of a thing for Grant and steals him away for a chat.

    Network Ten

    Even though Leah was apparently the best date Grant has ever been on, he thinks he and Leah are on different playing fields with what they're looking for. Ali is stoked because she feels a spark with Grant – in fact he even has a SPARKLE in his eye.

    Leah realises she's been dropped like a hot potato and calls Ali a "big fucking disaster".

    New American Jared asks Megan out on a date and she says "ummmm" for a really long time and makes this face.

    Network Ten

    It basically read like the situation where a guy approaches you and your friends at a bar and keeps trying to make conversations by saying dumb shit like, "Girls night out, hey!" and doesn't take the hint that none of y'all want to talk to him.

    Megan was basically like "um, don’t take me but sure if you want to, umm take me if there’s no one else... I guess you can take me", which is how all good dates start.

    The date was boring AF. That's all you need to know.

    Meanwhile, Jarrod is still red-faced and ranting.

    Network Ten

    He's pissed off and raging about being second-best to anyone, and how he'll NEVER stand to be second-best EVER. He's conveniently forgetting two things:

    1) He made Keira feel second-best just last week.

    2) He was second-best to Stu Laundy, lmao.

    Nina pulls Ali aside to tell her she's torn between Douchey Daniel and Eden, but she hasn't felt the urge to kiss Eden yet.

    Network Ten

    NINA. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. Do not kiss Douchey Daniel!

    Nina then pulls Douchey Daniel aside to have a chat with him. Douchey Daniel puts on a performance that should earn him an Emmy for something like Days Of Our Lives.

    Network Ten

    You can tell Douchey Daniel just gallivants around Vancouver in his spare time approaching people in seedy bars being like, "Don't you know who I am?"

    Nina eventually breaks down in front of the producers because of this weird mess she's found herself in while in his on-screen interview Douchey Daniel has some charming words to say:

    "They call me Geppetto coz I make women my puppets," he smirks.

    BRB, I'm deleting all of my dating apps, the phone numbers of any men I've ever communicated with, buying a chastity belt, and praying over my rosary beads.

    Oxygen

    Jarrod who has now been standing there for 27 hours, is still ranting about not wanting to be played and the fact the Americans are stealing all da women.

    Network Ten

    Keira finally decided to go talk to Jarrod and said she probably does have feelings for Douchey Daniel. "I would've preferred to know this earlier," Jarrod huffs, forgetting that Douchey Daniel has... really... only... just arrived. As Keira talks about it being a hard decision, Jarrod gets even ANGRIER. "You're not making the decision! I AM!", he yells. Keira walks off on him, and more power to her, because what a deadset fuckwit thing to say.

    "I don't have time to stuff about, I have vineyards to run, I'm sick of being hurt!", Jarrod exclaims, sounding super like me when I'm blind drunk, except I don't have vineyards, I've just consumed too much cheap wine.

    Grant and Ali get closer and closer.

    Network Ten

    Ali tells Grant she's here for something serious, and he totally agrees. I guess Ali hasn't read the articles about his ex-fiancé who moved to San Fran for him, only to barely ever see him again.

    Ali finally gets her sparkle and her first paradise kiss.

    "I don't know if I've ever connected with anybody like that," Grant says, forgetting about last night's deep connection with Leah.

    When we last saw Keira and Jarrod they were fighting. Now Douchey Daniel is otherwise distracted, Keira claws her way back to Jarrod.

    Network Ten

    Maybe she remembered he owns vineyards.

    Keira pulled Jarrod away and told him she had an epiphany about him, and that she was scared of being vulnerable and showing her feelings. "Keira is like Madonna," Jarrod says...

    ...Sorry hold on.

    NBC

    "Keira is like Madonna. There's only one Madonna, and one Keira."

    And after that wild line, Keira and Jarrod finally get their pash on.

    Ali and Grant have gone full public with their romance. Leah is still jealous. "Can you imagine their children, tall, dark, caramel... with bimbo barbie?!", Leah spits out.

    Network Ten

    Sorry, I'm struggling... to see the problem here.

    Leah has her eyes on Michael as a potential backup option, but he tells us he has put her in the "friend basket", where all potential fuck buddies go to die.

    Da boiz are still raging about Douchey Daniel (fair), and then we get the best quote of the season from Michael Turnbull. "You can build a body in the gym, but you can't build a heart," he very seriously says.

    Paramount Pictures

    Can't wait to get that tattooed across my six pack.

    Meanwhile Keira goes off to kiss Douchey Daniel for reasons I cannot comprehend, while Jarrod thinks Keira is someone he wants to be with long-term.

    Network Ten

    As we've learned by now, Jarrod thinks anyone with a pair of tits and a pulse is someone he wants to be with long-term.

    Anyway long story short, Jarrod finds out Keira kissed Douchey Daniel and his face reaches fire-truck levels of red.

    Osher announces a rose ceremony, and all the contestants act absolutely shocked.

    Network Ten

    Laurina tells the girls she wants to give her rose to Douchey Daniel, even though Nina and Keira are also debating giving their rose to Douchey Daniel. Personally, I wouldn't give anything to Douchey Daniel, because all he'd give you back is chlamydia, but that's just me.

    Eden pulls Douchey Daniel away from Nina to have a "man to man" chat with him. Also don't do a tequila shot every time Eden says "man to man" because you'll end up in your underwear with a sombrero on, dancing to '00s pop hits. I'm not saying that happened to me, but I'm also not saying it didn't.

    Basically Eden warns Douchey Daniel not to hurt Nina and Douchey Daniel just sits there looking like a smug douchebag thinking about all three of his potential rose choices.

    Laurina steps the FUCK UP at the rose ceremony, and now she's the new prime minister of Australia!

    Network Ten

    I don't make the rules, I'm just here to report them!


    Basically it went like this:

    Leah gives her rose to Michael.

    Tara gives her rose to Uncle Sam, and he gives her a big smooch.

    Lisa gives her rose to Luke.

    Ali gives her rose to Grant.

    Nina steps up and gives her rose to Eden, and Australia started a slow clap.

    Then Laurina steps up....

    "She's not a woman I'd usually go for, I usually go for under 30," Douchey Daniel's voiceover tells us. Laurina glares down at all the men, and gives her rose to American Jared, who we forgot existed for... well, most of the episode. Her reasoning? "Towards the end of the cocktail party Daniel looks at me and he says the most slimy, disgusting, derogative comment…. You give me the creeps, mate."

    QUEEN. LAURINA. OUR FEMINIST ICON.

    Anyway Megan gives her rose to Jake (duh) and Keira decides to ignore Douchey Daniel and give her rose to Jarrod.

    YEP! Farewell Douchey Daniel, we barely knew ye and thank fuck for that.

    Network Ten

    WHAT A LEGENDARY BUNCH OF WOMEN.

    Douchey Daniel walks out, calling the ladies stale bread in his voiceover. “I’m not losing hahahaha, I still have lot’s of beautiful women,” he says. OK, sweaty. OK.

    Tomorrow night: Elora arrives and takes Megan on a date, and it looks like Simone arrives but no one seems to care that much tbh.

    AMC