Here's Everything That Went Down On Episode 5 Of "Bachelor In Paradise"

The men on this show are trash.

Well, we asked for it, and Bachelor In Paradise is delivering! Welcome to a week of four episodes in a ROW.

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The funniest thing is literally none of us asked for this! Not even Osher!

After Flo cycloned in and out of our lives, new drama had to be added: Welcome to the American invasion episode!

Bravo

Or you could just bloody bring in Apollo already, ffs.

While we wait for the yanks to "storm the beach", Lenora tells us she isn't sure if Blake is what she's looking for. I have no idea why she thinks that.

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Jarrod is still pissed off that Mack gave his rose to Ali. So naturally, the solution is that Jarrod thinks he should take a step back and pursue Keira instead, because every woman loves to be a second choice for someone!

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Finally, intruder number one enters. Finally! FINALLY. Finally.

Network Ten, Hulu

Sorry I think I just had a mild stroke.

Grant is a firefighter who actually got engaged on a season of Bachelor In Paradise. He's also a firefighter.

Network Ten

Having previously fallen in love on the show, Grant says he trusts the process. I assume the process is "getting drunk and hooking up", which generally is a process I also put a lot of faith into. Grant! We have so much in common!

Did I mention Grant is a firefighter?

The girls are thrilled to see Grant – which is fair, given the dire choices they've been given so far.

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Meanwhile Michael is concerned Grant has arrived to "steal our Australian women from us". Ew.

Jake also isn't a fan, and thinks it's not fair new guys are rolling in with date cards, But it's fine when it's a woman called Megan doing it I guess, Jakey?

Keira's really impressed with Grant's qualities, like the fact he's really cute and has "nice eyes".

Network Ten

All the better to see you with my dear.

Leah swoops in to get to know Grant, and he invites her on a date.

Network Ten

^^ That's also how I get to know my dates.

“He was hot property when he walked through that door… and now he’s mine,” Leah triumphantly gloats. Honestly, the only hot property I like walking through my door is my Uber Eats order, but each to their own.

Mack and Michael are still obsessing over Ali, and poor Ali hasn't had any alone time since arriving in Fiji.

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Rumour has it, even when she tries to shower she can hear Mack calling out for her, wondering where she's gone*.

*I just made that up, but you nearly believed it, didn't you?

Jarrod is still desperately trying to reassure us it's actually Keira he is into, because Mack "stole Ali" from him. Jarrod doesn't sound crazy or jealous at all! He just sounds super into Keira! It's touching how into Keira he is, and adorable how he obsessively brings up Ali's name whenever he's talking about how into Keira he is!

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He's so into Keira that he just hopes to get her rose this week! What a coincidence!

Keira of course, isn't an idiot. She knows what Jarrod's up to, however still believes they have a connection – but she's gonna make Jarrod work for it.

Meanwhile, Grant and Leah have gone snorkelling. "Snorkelling gives you the opportunity to hold hands with someone," Leah says.

FOX

OK, well I've clearly been snorkelling wrong this whole time. I thought it was more about seeing some cool turtles and trying really hard not to pee on the Great Barrier Reef when you're busting to go.

Grant and Leah get their mack on, and smooth-talking Grant says it's the best date he's ever been on.

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His charm is working on Leah, who is basically glowing from the inside-out. Tbh, his charm is working on me too, and I'm just sitting on the lounge in my pjs, half asleep, breathing with my mouth open.

Meanwhile, Mack is starting to crumble under the pressure of the love triangle of Ali, Michael, and himself.

Network Ten

Michael and Ali went off for a chat and some champagne and cheese, and Mack concentrated on breathing in and out of a paper bag.

"Have a LONG CHAT?" he screamed at them when they returned, before dragging Ali away again. "You're someone I could introduce to my family," Mack told her, without blinking. "I don't want to come on strong, but I'm a deep person."

Maaaaack, my boy, you gotta CHILL.

A new intruder struts in, carrying the weight of his ego on his massive biceps.

Network Ten

Ugh, here we go.

Daniel, from Canada, appeared on Season 3 and 4 of Bachelor In Paradise. His reason for showing up for the Aussie one? "This time of year, winter is coming to Canada and women go into hibernation," he explains.

Tbh I think I'd be in hibernation all the time if too many men like Daniel existed in my circles. But thankfully I don't need to use hibernation as an excuse in order to repel people.

The boys are still struggling with the fact two new men have come in. And then we hear it. The best quote of tonight's episode. Drum roll please...

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"I'm all for competition, but you shouldn't come across like a dick," Blake says.

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HAHAHAHAHHAZHAHHAHAHASHHAHFHAHHHGhahAHHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHa, I deadset can't breathe.

VH1

The hypocrisy is strong.

Meanwhile intruder Daniel asks Keira if she's a "bad girl", while daintly sipping from his frozen margarita.

Network Ten

You seem like such a bad boy, Daniel. Slow down.

Daniel gives some weird spiel about how he doesn’t need to go on a date with Keira to be sure about her and she laps it up. Keira, sweetie, pls, no.

Quick rundown of what's happening elsewhere: Jarrod is jealous that Keira spent some alone time with Daniel, Jake and Megan mack on down on the beach somewhere, Lenora is looking for a more stimulating match than Blake, my Uber Eats order still hasn't arrived.

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Daniel asks Nina on a date and is stoked that it's made Eden truly uncomfortable.

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"Deep down inside, I like it," Daniel says, definitely not sounding like a psychopath or anything.

Daniel tries to take Nina to a hot springs for their date, but the rain he brought "specially from Vancouver" prevents them from crossing the river to get there. Sad!

Ali is reaching breaking point and decides it's time to make a decision.

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Lord, I can't even imagine having one man interested in me, let alone half the island.

Ali tells Mack she's just not feeling the spark between them. Mack is confused because HE feels the spark, therefore the spark HAS to exist, right? Mack, sweetie, she's just not that into you.

He then very sweetly tells Ali he hopes she finds that spark with someone and she cries, and he comforts her while looking completely broken-hearted. Ahh, young love. It's tough two days into knowing someone when they reject your whole damn future together.

But in a plot-twist: Ali also tells Michael she's not feeling the spark there either. She gently returns Michael and Mack back to the adoption pound, where they'll hopefully find their forever family soon. It's just not with her.

Daniel and Nina are getting to know each other in the hot tub and he says something to the effect of: "I'm a bad boy, I'm naughty."

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Sorry BRB, saying 15 Hail Marys and trying to tell my depressed vagina it's ok and not all men are like that.

Lenora decides to dump Blake.

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I'm sorry, I'm really still laughing at the fact he called her Lenora last week. I will switch back to calling her Laurina again soon now that their love story has so sadly ended.

I'm predicting this will pave the path for Laurina and Michael to become a thing. Like, sure, they kind of look like brother and sister, but they're both conventionally attractive and equally as boring in personality, so I don't see why it can't work.

Uncle Sam gets a date card and takes Tara.

Network Ten

Yes, this episode is still going. I know, I know! It seems longer than usual right? But remember, we still have THREE MORE THIS WEEK TO GET THROUGH.

Tara and Uncle Sam make cocktails for each other, and she told him he was an acquired taste because he looked a bit like a dickhead on Sophie's season of The Bachelorette. "It's like being punched in the stomach, while being gently touched on the ear," Sam tells the camera.

I can't believe we're at the stage where Uncle Sam and Tara make perfect sense as a couple.

To end the night... (trust me, we're nearly at the end, I'm so sorry. I can't believe it's midnight already)... Mack and Jarrod get into a fight.

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Jarrod's going off about Daniel and the fact he's been on numerous dating shows and "still can't get a girlfriend". Kinda sounds like someone we know, no?

Mack steps in to say not all blame can go on the new additions, it's just relationships on the island are naturally changing. This leads Jarrod and Mack to argue about the rose ceremony and Mack choosing Ali, even know he knew Jarrod wanted to give his rose to Ali. But it's fine remember, Jarrod's over it! He loves Keira! He totally doesn't think about Ali at all!

The term "dogged" is thrown around a lot, and I desperately started hunting for some Valium.

Tomorrow night: Grant and Ali get to know each other, Leah is not happy, Nina and Jarrod both cry (for different reasons I assume), and I've decided to start telling people I'm also an acquired taste.

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