Welcome back! Did you have a good weekend? Anyway, I hope you're not too relaxed because paradise isn't about relaxing. In fact, I never thought Fiji would seem so stressful.
Osher comes in to cheerfully recap last week's shitshow. He actually looks really happy that people's love lives are falling apart. I want to bottle up his cheerfulness about heartbreak and sell it on Etsy.
Michael, who created all the drama last week after giving his rose to Lisa, tells Grant and Megan that he SHOCKED about the last rose ceremony.
Eden gets the date card and picks a clearly unenthused Elora for a rendezvous.
Meanwhile Simone tells Michael she's not into Jarrod and she prefers pretty boys. And BOOM, just like that, our main man Apollo arrives.
"Apollo arrives, and wow, don't the girls start frothing," Jarrod bitterly says to the camera. He's not jealous at all. He thinks it's hilarious that you would even think he was jealous!
Apollo and Luke go on the have the most romantic reunion we've seen so far.
Meanwhile, Eden asks Elora why she's on a date with him.
Apollo has a chat with Keira. Poor Apollo is like a deer caught in the headlights talking to her and has no idea what is going on. "I'd probably kiss him, just for Australia," Keira tells the camera.
Apollo takes Simone away for a chat, and his one memory of her from the last Bachelor season was when she put a sticker on Matty J's wang.
Elora, fresh from a horrible date with Eden, sees Apollo and her eyes light up like a bloody Christmas tree on December 1. This is what she came to paradise for.
Simone tells Elora she got the date card, and Elora isn't stoked, but she decides Apollo is still fair game. This leaves Simone unhappy – when Elora takes Apollo for a chat, Simone starts shitting on about having "loyalties" to friends. Someone needs to remind Simone she accepted a date offer from the guy she knew her friend was obsessed with.
Jarrod takes Keira on a surprise date, because these two have decided they're back on their bullshit.
Intermission: We get a lot of close-ups of Apollo's body.
Apollo and Simone go kayaking for their date, and fall in the water approximately 95 times.
Speaking of Elora, she is still fucking on about Apollo to anyone who will listen.
Uncle Sam takes Tara out for a surprise and it turns out he's made her a love shack.
Things are bloody tense once Simone gets back from her date. She tells the girls she wants to give her rose to Apollo's biceps, but Elora also says she wants to give her rose to Apollo's biceps.
Before Simone can talk about her date, Elora demands to know if her name was brought up at all, because she doesn't want Apollo to think she's crazy.
The island's thirstiest gossip, Michael Turnbull, asks Elora about the "beef" she has with Simone, and lays down what he's heard through the Bachelor gossip grapevine.
My version: WoW I dO nOt GiVe a FlYiNg FuCk.
Tomorrow night: Elora gets a date card and takes Apollo, so prepare yourself for more of that saga.