Apollo Finally Arrived On "Bachelor In Paradise" And All The Ladies, Including Me, Are Very Excited

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy Apollo, Amen.

Welcome back! Did you have a good weekend? Anyway, I hope you're not too relaxed because paradise isn't about relaxing. In fact, I never thought Fiji would seem so stressful.

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There's gonna be a whole lot more drama this week and I'm not even talking about my personal life.

Osher comes in to cheerfully recap last week's shitshow. He actually looks really happy that people's love lives are falling apart. I want to bottle up his cheerfulness about heartbreak and sell it on Etsy.

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Michael, who created all the drama last week after giving his rose to Lisa, tells Grant and Megan that he SHOCKED about the last rose ceremony.

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"I didn't see it coming!" he says. "But it was.... your decision?" Megan points out. "Wow, what a surprise! Didn't see it coming!" Michael says. He's pretty adamant about this, but we all know he's one of the biggest drama whores on the island.

Elsewhere, Lisa and Luke are having a staged convo about the rose ceremony and decide it has brought them closer together. So Mum and Dad aren't getting a divorce just yet.

Eden gets the date card and picks a clearly unenthused Elora for a rendezvous.

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"I really don't want to go on this date, because I'm waiting for Apollo," Elora tells us. This is how I usually turn down dates too, or how I would if I was ever asked on one. I, too, am waiting for Apollo.

Eden can't stop draping his arm around Elora and she looks clearly uncomfortable. "I already know when I look at him and see how he behaves, that I'm not attracted to him." Honestly, me with most males.

Meanwhile Simone tells Michael she's not into Jarrod and she prefers pretty boys. And BOOM, just like that, our main man Apollo arrives.

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Apollo reminds us that we probably best remember him for his breadsticks line, rather than his Greek god body. "Apollo, I love breadsticks," I stupidly mumble to my TV as though he can hear me.

Apollo is on a mission to find someone he can spend the rest of his life with. Apollo has clearly come on the wrong show. Swipe me on Bumble, Apollo!

"Apollo arrives, and wow, don't the girls start frothing," Jarrod bitterly says to the camera. He's not jealous at all. He thinks it's hilarious that you would even think he was jealous!

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Apollo and Luke go on the have the most romantic reunion we've seen so far.

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Meanwhile, Eden asks Elora why she's on a date with him.

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Because you asked her, you dipshit.

This date is more awkward than the time I accidentally called my male teacher "Mum" in front of the whole class.

Apollo has a chat with Keira. Poor Apollo is like a deer caught in the headlights talking to her and has no idea what is going on. "I'd probably kiss him, just for Australia," Keira tells the camera.

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And that's the reason why we love her.

Apollo takes Simone away for a chat, and his one memory of her from the last Bachelor season was when she put a sticker on Matty J's wang.

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Apollo is into this, and asks Simone on a date.

Elora, fresh from a horrible date with Eden, sees Apollo and her eyes light up like a bloody Christmas tree on December 1. This is what she came to paradise for.

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Elora has been telling the whole island she's into Apollo, so she seems to think no one would've gone for him. Every morning she announces it over a loudspeaker, puts out a daily newsletter, and makes a toast at dinner dedicated to Apollo, so there's just no way her BFF Simone would go there, ya know?

Simone tells Elora she got the date card, and Elora isn't stoked, but she decides Apollo is still fair game. This leaves Simone unhappy – when Elora takes Apollo for a chat, Simone starts shitting on about having "loyalties" to friends. Someone needs to remind Simone she accepted a date offer from the guy she knew her friend was obsessed with.

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I'm so wildly glad in this moment all my friends and I have different taste in men –apart from the fact that all the men we date are arseholes.

Elora pulls Simone away for a chat and asks her not to bring up her name on her date with Apollo. The two hint towards the fact they've had a falling out over a guy before. DUN DUN, cue the Law and Order theme music, shit is gonna get wild.

Jarrod takes Keira on a surprise date, because these two have decided they're back on their bullshit.

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We learn on this date that Keira has extremely soft lips that Jarrod wants to kiss all the time. Can't wait for their wedding vows. They're gonna be deep.

Intermission: We get a lot of close-ups of Apollo's body.

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And the Gold Logie goes to...

Apollo and Simone go kayaking for their date, and fall in the water approximately 95 times.

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Honestly, we need to give up the idea that going kayaking makes for a romantic date. All it does is fast-track your way to a breakup. But that's a story for another time, my child.

The two then have a nice sit down, where they get along swimmingly (no pun intended), and Simone asks why Apollo picked her for the date. "There's a fair few girls in there that want a bit of the Apollo," she says in an attempt to explain her question. Apollo, by this stage, is very aware Elora is into him and he keeps looking like a slightly bewildered school boy every time it comes up in conversation.

Speaking of Elora, she is still fucking on about Apollo to anyone who will listen.

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Uncle Sam takes Tara out for a surprise and it turns out he's made her a love shack.

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I can't believe that I've fallen in love with Uncle Sam on this journey. I'm so confused and questioning everything I ever knew.

The two talk about how into each other they are. "I always said I wanted a funny girl, and you're beyond funny. You make me pee," he says to Tara. A modern day Shakespeare.

TARA THEN TELLS THE CAMERA SHE'S FALLEN IN LOVE WITH UNCLE SAM. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. SHE TALKS ABOUT THEIR LIFE AT 70, AND HOW HE'LL PROBABLY STILL HAVE A PONYTAIL.

Look, it's not the love story I was expecting, but I am so invested and I hope they have a baby so I can be an aunt.

Things are bloody tense once Simone gets back from her date. She tells the girls she wants to give her rose to Apollo's biceps, but Elora also says she wants to give her rose to Apollo's biceps.

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Before Simone can talk about her date, Elora demands to know if her name was brought up at all, because she doesn't want Apollo to think she's crazy.

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Jarrod's drama senses are tingling and he gets an immediate hard on at the thought of Elora and Simone fighting.

The island's thirstiest gossip, Michael Turnbull, asks Elora about the "beef" she has with Simone, and lays down what he's heard through the Bachelor gossip grapevine.

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I'd pay good money to be privy to their group chats, not gonna lie.

Anyway, there are two distinct stories here, both relating to a guy in the "outside world".

Simone's version: There was a guy in the outside world that she liked, and Elora started hitting on him at an event.

Elora's version: There was a guy in the outside world that she liked, but he flirted with Simone instead.

My version: WoW I dO nOt GiVe a FlYiNg FuCk.

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Take me back to Uncle Sam and Tara's pure love story.

Tomorrow night: Elora gets a date card and takes Apollo, so prepare yourself for more of that saga.

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