Missed tonight's episode of The Bachelor because you have something called a "social life" and I don't?
Once again, the ladies were told to sit around and very naturally discuss their dwindling numbers.
So shocking that one person keeps getting eliminated! So weird! A foreign concept none of us can understand!
Lisa, otherwise known as the one who hasn't macked on with Matty, was worried that she hadn't spent enough time with Matty yet. But her chance to shine didn't come. Flo, our dangerous, fluffy toy–chopping Dutch queen, received the single date.
The helicopter budget was temporarily reinstalled for the single date, but now they must drink cask wine for the rest of the series.
Matty and Flo conveniently found a couch set up in some bushland, and settled down to talk about their ~emotions~.
I have an important question. Do they also set up portaloos in these random locations? Because they're constantly drinking and it's making my bladder feel uncomfortable about the fact they are guzzling wine and might not be able to pee. Producers, email me.
"Was it distracting having me wedged behind you?" Matty asked Flo. In a crazy coincidence, that is also a question I ask my boyfriend when he's playing video games, ignoring me, and I'm trying to get his attention by climbing on his back and prodding him with a walking stick my other housemate stole from a pub.
There are a few great things I love about Flo: She's very headstrong, she comes straight out with her feelings, and she's honest AF about everything. Unfortunately this means she won't win.
In classic single date form, the two massaged each other's tongues, and Matty gave Flo a rose for effort.
The group date involved everyone wearing the activewear.
Nothing we all love more than surprise exercise!
The ladies were forced to write down on wooden boards their fears about falling in love. Don't believe me? I'm pretty sure a producer locked Lisa to her bench and didn't let her eat or pee until she wrote something down.
Laura and Lisa had the most boring chat in the world about rejection, wasting at least two precious minutes of my damn time where I could have been watching a YouTube compilation of Brendon Urie singing Disney songs. Anyway. The girls then practised some boxing jabs, which led us to the real reason we were all being forced to watch this. Then it was time for the ladies to confront their fears head on, and smash their wooden block.
Cobie eagerly volunteered to go first, but once she realised she had to read her fear aloud, she immediately burst into tears. It turned out she was crying about how therapeutic the whole thing was, but alas, it wasn't enough. It was Tara who captured Matty's attention and won the solo time.
Next up, The Bachelor STOLE my perfect date idea and I'm furious!!!!!!
Matty took Tara up to a rooftop where a personal chef was there to cook them pad Thai! Guys, that is exactly how I was proposed to once in a dream, except it was the pad Thai proposing, and I said yes!!
Anyway the date was pretty sweet. Tara was very heartfelt in telling Matty she wanted him to meet her family, and Matty's voiceover was VERY INTERESTING. "When I’m with Tara, she just becomes the most important thing to me. From that moment, Tara is the only girl in the world," he said.
WOWZA, let’s just end the show here, shall we?
At the cocktail party, Elora tried to passionately push Matty into the curtains for a grope session.
First up though, Matty pulled Cobie away for a chat in his secret garden. Cobie adorably acted like she had never even seen the secret garden before, even though judging from her Instagram it wasn't her first time. Basically all that happened in this part was that Matty pulled a rose from his bush, he gave it to Cobie, and she cried with happiness. And since Cobie had a rose, I guessed it was going to be Lisa going home tonight.
Elora was wild with jealousy after seeing Cobie get a rose, and she decided she also wanted one. Obviously the best way to do this was to pull Matty aside, and then drag him around a corner to try to make out with him.
This plan went really well!
"I think it's a bit disrespectful," Matty said to Elora after she tried to kiss him, while she repeated the phrase "You can! You can! You can!", like a demonic Polynesian robot.
"It's like the secret garden," Elora tried, hinting at the fact we're definitely missing out on A LOT by not getting to see what's happening down there. Who knows how many times Matty has had his rose touched in that garden!
Once Elora was seated, blue-balled and angry, Elise tried to comfort her. She asked if Elora was worried about the girls in that situation (um, because they ALL saw it happen), and Elora was like, "Lmao no?" Meanwhile the other ladies sat around shooting her filthy looks.
The rose ceremony. I mean, we all knew what was going to happen.
Elora was like a bad mixtape on loop: "I went in for the kiss and I didn't think he'd say no!" Firstly, Elora is clearly not used to being rejected. Ha! Welcome to my LIFE, ELORA. Secondly, Elora, hon, don't listen to the producers when they wire you up to go kiss the guy. Save yourself!
However, it was Lisa who was sent packing, and the weirdest part of it all was she got quite emotional. But I think that was more to do with saying goodbye to the girls, not Matty.