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    If You Missed The Latest Episode Of "The Bachelor", Here's What Happened

    Channel 10, how dare u.

    Ready to relive all The Bachelor drama again, or perhaps you zoned out halfway through and need to catch up? Relatable, tbh, this episode was a shitshow.


    OK, let's top up our wines and get cracking.

    Osher arrived, bearing a date card and a bottle of alcohol.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    "They drink on this show?!" you ask. I know right, why didn't they mention it before?

    Sharlene lets us know she hopes it's her name on the single date card, while Australia collectively questioned why this strange producer was trying to pretend to be a bachelorette. Sike! Turns out she's a contestant that we just never get to see.

    Osher breezed through the door, ready to turn one lucky lady's life around with a single date card. The clue read, "I feel like we're starting to speak the same language", which left the girls embarrassingly stumped for a second, until they realised the bottle of alcohol was for "Dutch courage". Of course this meant it was Flo's time to shine.

    Matty forced Flo to jump off a building to prove she's adventurous.

    Network 10

    Matty said he was "impressed" by Flo's efforts at the last cocktail party, where she dressed him up as Harry Potter and whipped him repeatedly with her cane. Flo is excited for the date, because she admitted she has no idea if she's even that into Matty, which was weirdly refreshing to hear.

    As the two stand at the edge of a 26-storey building, they both look about as excited as I do when I'm cleaning my bathroom at home. Not very. I started getting the vibe a crazed producer was actually holding them at gunpoint behind-the-scenes, and jumping off this building was the only way to escape. I'm also wondering why tf they weren't allowed to drink that big bottle of alcohol before they jumped. Seems unfair.

    "My whole body is screaming, 'abort mission stupid bitch, he's not worth it! Go back to Melbourne!'" Flo screamed into the camera, in perhaps one of the most perfect lines I've heard this season. She actually said this guys, this isn't my creative license speaking.

    Cut to Laura, Liz, and Cobie working out in the mansion, very naturally. So natural, they don't even know cameras are around!

    Network 10
    Network 10

    The girls finish their workout, and oh-so-casually talk about Matty's date with Flo. Laura asked if Cobie is jealous. "No, I'm not jealous," Cobie said while Googling "how to make people disappear and have it seem like an accident". Cut to Cobie's one-on-one with the camera, where she is SOBBING, because Flo received the next single date after her and the poor lass has finally figured out how this show actually works.

    Meanwhile, back on the date...

    Network 10
    Network 10

    I just... guys. Sometimes I wonder who comes up with these date ideas, and if they're OK. We've now cut back to Matty and Flo getting their hands forever linked in a cast.

    When they finally freed themselves from their plaster prison, the two sat on the lounge to get to know each other. There was some boring talk where Matty tried to uncover whether Flo would ever move back home to Holland, because we all know Matty ain't moving anywhere. "Maybe I'll move to Holland," I told my boyfriend, mainly because I got bored with the conversation unfolding in front of me on the TV. "Please go," he replied.

    Finally, Matty and Flo held hands, and she raised one quirky eyebrow. This move is too much for Matty, who's had a hard-on from the moment she dressed up as a school teacher, and he finally kissed her. The music really hit a crescendo for these two, and all I can picture is Cobie wailing in her room, clutching her doona in distress.

    As the sun falls and rises on another day, a putrid date falls upon us.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    Jen and Liz are picked for the double date, with only one returning home from war. Matty says the stressful situation of saying goodbye to one of these girls is SO difficult, which is weird to me, because we all know his top four is going to be Lisa, Laura, Elise/Alix (I like to think they're the same person), and Tara.

    Matty made the two sworn enemies pick out the best and worst qualities about each other. Liz complimented Jen on her "dirty" sense of humour. Jen said Liz is "sharp as a tack", but can be too abrasive, while Liz thought Jen is too quick to judge. As the two ladies stared each other down, vibrating with their own passionate hate, I couldn't help but think they have more chemistry together than they actually do with Matty.

    In her solo time with Matty, Jen gave the "I'm so much more than a flirty drama queen, I need you to know the REAL me" spiel, while conveniently dropping in she's super close with her brother, who happens to have a young child. Matty's eyes lit up with happiness, while behind the bushes, his sister cheers.

    Jen continues on with her "Nice Jen" personality, saying waking up beside the person you love is the "best feeling in the world". Obviously Jen has never woken up with half a pizza next to her that she forgot about. She then referred to herself as a Caramello Koala. Jen, what girl? Are you trying to say you're short, kinda evil looking, and prone to melting in the sun? Because, same.

    Matty asked Liz if her eggs are looking to be fertilised anytime soon, and homegirl was horrified.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    When Matty asked Liz if she thinks about having a family in the future, she did NOT look happy, Jan. Liz then referred to relationships as a bank account, which seems a little less romantic than Jen’s Caramello Koala and golden centre.

    “I came into this because I wanted to fall in love” Matty said, leaving out the part about expecting a healthy, bouncing baby in nine months time.

    “I wasn’t going to be a performing seal” Liz said as she exited, as one final blow to Jen. On an exciting note, we finally got our first salty limo spiel of the season! Things are picking up!

    When Jen found out Liz and her recoiled ovaries had been sent home, her Cheshire cat grin said it all. As she desperately tried (and failed) to rearrange her face in a more compassionate position, Matty silently accepted a crisp $100 note from a producer, read some lines off a script, and gave Jen a rose.

    An artwork titled: "When the other ladies realise Jen got the rose."


    The cocktail party and Sian's meltdown.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    Sian decided she wanted to wait for Matty to approach her and, like me after a bottle of wine, was mad about nothing and not making much sense.

    “WHAT’S THE POINT IN BEING HERE?!” she screams, which ironically is what I'm screaming at my TV right now too... because we just missed EVERYTHING about Matty whisking Laura away to his secret garden! Reminder Channel 10, that we're here to watch a love story, not girls breaking down after being pumped with too much alcohol. That's just called my weekend!

    Basically the big drama is that Sian wanted to leave, saying she’s “better than Matty" and that "she doesn’t even like him”. As she stormed off to a bathroom, two producers took it in turns to talk her down, and keep her in Bachelor prison. "This isn't REAL," Sian yelled, which to be fair doll, of course there's nothing real about trying to date a guy who's dating 17 other women. "Why don't you go outside and talk to Matty and that’ll be something real?", the producer told her. Sorry, my bad, did I just change the channel to UnReal? What is going on here?

    Sian then let Matty know the process is awful, she’s over the cameras in her face, and she wants to exit and “get the fuck outta here”. Matty’s all “You gotta do what’s right for you” and doesn’t… you know, really fight for it.

    Just as I'm thinking a convenient limo driver is going to pull up and drive Sian to safety, she backflipped. She now wants to stay! This is legit one of the most confusing scenes I have ever watched on The Bachelor Australia, and guys, I watched the whole Blake season.

    The unfinished rose ceremony.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    Matty handed out a few roses, before hesitating. I expected him to whip out a handkerchief and maybe dab gently at the nervous sweat on his forehead, that's how dramatic this shit was getting. But it was about to happen! The moment the ads had been teasing all week!

    JOKES. They pulled a "To Be Continued..." on us. Oh yes, this will be continued. See you in court, sweaties.

    Tomorrow night: TBC I guess.


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