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    Posted on 7 Oct 2015

    We Watched Episode 5 Of "The Bachelorette" Australia And Had A Lot Of Thoughts

    The dating Hunger Games.

    by ,

    1. Richie's just talking about wanting a single date. I guess a date with Sam, two other dudes and mud baths just wasn't enough.

    2. Some people are so greedy.

    3. Seriously though, of course they all want a goddamn date that's why they're there.

    4. In walks Osher, perfectly timed as usual.

    5. OMG it's a two-guy date, with the catch that only ONE comes back.


    7. Lmao no one wants that date now.

    8. Oooh poor Tony. And Davey, I guess.

    9. OMG they're wearing complementary black and white tuxes. #aesthetic.

    10. Davey, Mr Modesty, thinks his black ensemble looks better.

    11. Sorry Tony, tbh he's right.


    12. Bit of casual gambling to get everyone in the mood for a weird, three-way date.

    13. It must feel pretty crap to be like "well she basically wants to kick me out, unless I impress her tonight." That's rough.

    14. So much pressure! And like… literally the worst date ever.

    15. Why don't you just dump them overboard Sam, and sail off on the boat by yourself like the queen you are?

    16. They'll be fine I'm sure.

    17. Oh Tony finally gets some screentime, I mean one-on-one time.

    18. "My strength is my maturity." I think that's what Tony said but I also was starting to fall asleep with my eyes open.

    19. "I'll always be holding and touching..." - mate, no you need to calm down.

    20. That awkward demonstration, GET ME OFF THIS BOAT.

    21. Sam constantly mentions Davey's larrikin side because it's the kind of guy she went for in the past. But she says it with a slightly screwed up nose, so it's amazing Davey is actually still here.

    22. Especially because he looks like he should be off studying for end of year exams. For year 10.

    23. The music change after Davey "opens up" means Davey is safe.

    24. Tony interrupts with last minute cocktails, just before he's dropped into the ocean.


    26. If looks could kill.


    27. Back at the mansion, the blokes have a clue for their group date: "Falling in love is child's play."

    28. Um.

    29. I am sorry but NO date is ever going to be good when there's children involved.

    30. Also no date is ever going to be good where one person is going to be automatically sent home alone.

    31. Seriously this is the most awkward dinner party I've ever seen.

    32. What he says: "I'm fine."

    33. What he means: "I'm on a goddamn boat in a kill-or-be-killed Hunger Games situation and my tux is uncomfortable and I really need to fart and I don't know if I'm really into this or if I just want to win and why the fuck did I ever agree to be on this show in the first place."

    34. "I'm at my happiest when I'm in love" - ugh Davey, isn't it past your bedtime?

    35. Tony "Yeah love. Like when you see the back of their head… because you're spooning them."

    36. Mate.

    37. Tony's made this way too easy for Davey to win, goddamn.

    38. Poor Tony.

    39. Oh it looked like she wanted to talk to him more but actually she just wanted to dump him and oh god this is hard to watch.

    40. Poor, poor Tony.

    41. Poor Sam.

    42. He seems like a genuinely good guy.

    43. Tony is like having oats for breakfast. Good, but bland.

    44. Aaaand he's literally being kicked off the boat, NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.

    45. Who knew The Bachelorette was so brutal?!

    46. I bet Tony's all like "STOP. THE. BOAT(s)."

    47. OK too far.

    48. Tony floats on back to his single life.

    49. THE ROSE IS JUST SITTING IN FRONT OF DAVEY WTF, why is it so obvious in this season?

    50. Also I don't think he deserves one by default. I don't buy his ~realness~.

    51. "Can I have a kiss?" - Davey offers Sam his cheek only to turn his head so she gets him on the lips. Literally. 16 fucking years old.

    52. Ugh.

    53. I'd be dumping him in the ocean if I was Sam, rose or not.


    54. Group date time! Except how is this a date?

    55. Seriously who on earth thinks it's super fun to take six of their closest boyfriends and watch them look after random kids, I s2g these producers.

    56. And like, how you interact with strangers' kids is NOT an indication of whether you'd be a good parent or not.

    57. Alex painted the other guys faces and I think he's secretly sabotaging because he made them look ghastly.

    58. Oh Kayne. You big goofball. He's so sweet but like, no way is he gonna win this.


    60. I'm dead.

    61. WTF is his outfit though. Yay, racial insensitivity...

    62. "I"m going to tell a magical story…" Michael. Is it that you used to play professional football?

    63. OMG Michael's story about a princess and her 14 princes.

    64. This is not suitable for children.


    66. Of course the last prince standing is Michael. Of course .

    67. Smooth play though.

    68. Oh my god, Dave. This is too much watching him wander around the party area looking completely lost with his terrible shark face.

    69. His shark island fail breaks my heart.

    70. Sash is working that tie.

    71. Look I'm not saying I'm Team Sash but.

    72. I am clearly Team Sash.


    73. Michael and his bad fairytale win one-on-one time.

    74. And poor Kayne is like "fair call, I probably stink." Oh Kayne.

    75. Oooh so Sam is staying in the same place Woody was in. This is the kitchen of the famous Heather dinner and that ~friendzone~ conversation.

    76. Why is it always the woman cooking though.

    77. OMG she's actually just making toasties though. SAM YOU KWEEN.

    78. A sandwich for dinner, teamed with red wine. Sounds like my usual Friday night.

    79. Michael is just so switched on, he plays this game well.

    80. Oh she's made him ~fact~ cards too, OK this is adorable.

    81. The kissing one will be in there FOR SURE.

    82. This is the most we've learned about Sam all season, other than the fact that Blake Goddamn Garvey broke her heart.

    83. Hey Michael, she didn't ask you for advice she was just telling you a fact about yourself.

    84. Why do men always feel the need to offer a solution SOMETIMES WE JUST WANT TO TALK AND NOT BE TOLD WHAT TO DO.

    85. Aaaaaaaaand there's the kiss card.

    86. Not really into this kiss tbh. Well I mean, Sam is, so that's all that matters I guess.

    87. She really, really likes him.

    88. But like. *whispers* Sash.

    89. "I've got dessert for you." WHOA HIS EYES FULLY LIT UP!

    90. I think he thought she was going to get naked or something for a second.

    91. Either that or that toastie really didn't satisfy him.

    92. Oh dessert is a rose. Michael's probably like "I can't eat that though?"


    93. Wow, there is not many guys left at all!

    94. How will any of these guys go home, they all seem pretty great.

    95. I mean, Davey should probably be going home tbh but he got that goddamn rose by default.

    96. I'm here for Richie's commentary so much.

    97. Ohhh Dave, he's just so nervous and sad and thinks he's fucked up.


    99. OMG Sam THAT DRESS.

    100. FIIIIIIRE.

    101. Kayne talking about why he thinks he shouldn't go home: "She's intrigued by me." *Cuts to Kayne rapping.*

    102. So his repertoire is rap, frosty fruits, pies thrown at him and headstands.

    103. I'm sure someone will love all those things one day.

    104. But not today.

    105. Sash is definitely very jealous and I HOPE THOSE RUMOURS ABOUT A FAVE LEAVING OUT OF JEALOUSY AREN'T TRUE.

    106. For now, I am very much here for this group of blokes having a very open chat about their ~feelings~.

    107. Oh poor Richie isn't getting any one-on-one time. RICHIE, I WANT YOU TO HAVE A CHAT TOO.

    108. He's so dorky and cute, I can't even.

    109. Davey should be glad he has a rose, otherwise he'd be goooone.

    110. YAS SASH IS SAFE!


    112. Ohhh no Richie isn't going to go is he?

    113. OK Richie is safe this is good. But poor Kayne.

    114. Osher: "Kayne you didn't receive a rose."

    115. Kayne: "Correct."

    116. Translation: "Thanks for fucking rubbing it in mate".

    117. He actually looks SO sad.

    118. Is it just me or did all these boys dwindle down SO fast? I wonder if they'll have intruders.

    119. I bloody hope so.


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