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Here's Everything That Happened On The First Episode Of "The Bachelor"

Ooooh boy, we're in for a big season.

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Holy shit guys. It's back, it's finally back! No, not my sanity, but The Bachelor. And we've picked up right where we left off, remembering how Georgia Love savagely dumped Matty J.

A year on, Matty J's a new man. He just goes by Matty now. But of course the show recounts every vicious moment of Georgia reaching into Matty's chest, pulling his heart out, and stomping on it as he doubled over on all fours.

"I really loved Georgia," Matty tells us. Note the "loved". He's ready to move on, and he proves it, by running in giant strides along the beach, before staring lovingly at the ocean, as though his dream girl is about to burst out from the waves.

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Moving on, we get a nice picture of what life with Matty would look like. Shirtless, sunshiny, avocado-less, and with his sister lurking behind every shadow. Matty stresses that he loves kids and ever since becoming an uncle, his ovaries have been in overdrive, ready to bring little Matty spawn into the world. It's nice to see a 30-year-old man clucky and ready to settle down. My boyfriend and his friends are all 30, and all they really do is drink a lot and swear at miniature men on computer games while screaming "FUUUUUCK".

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Matty meets the contestants who will battle to death to win his love:

Osher cheerfully greets Matty, his luscious hair shorn at the sides but still holding an enviable height. As they talk about love, Matty tells Osher if he doesn't see fireworks straight away, that's gonna be OK.

"I know in my experience a slow burn can happen," Matty says. Unfortunately Osher doesn't direct him to the nearest doctor in the Bach-pad, but ignores Matty's willful plea of helping him to deal with a STD and saunters off, leaving Matty and his slow burn to greet the girls.

We could be here ALL night so I'll try and make this snappy for you so we get to the good shit.

Alix: Starts out promising, has some cool, collected, calm banter with Matty. Walks off and mutters to herself, "I could fall in love with this guy". Slow down Alix, do not pass go.

Tara: Tara's a nanny who loves kids. So already you know she'll at least be in the top 8, where Matty can then get her to do a fertility check to see if she's in perfect breeding shape. Tara is extremely nervous, but also endearing, and calls him "mate" when she walks off. Accidentally though I think, not like Heather from Sam Wood's season.

Laura: I love Laura already, because I picked her in the office sweep. Come through babes, my beautiful Georgia Love 2.0, win me $44. Even if she doesn't win, she got some nice close-up promo for her burgeoning jewelry company. Did I mention she looks eerily like Georgia Love?

Cobie: Cobie brings a bunch of red balloons, and her and Matty proceeded to suck the helium out of them. It was cute, if you're into that kind of thing.

OK get ready to press fast-forward! In the space of a few minutes we sped through the following; Simone, Elise, Monica, Laura Ann, Elizabeth, Stacey, Steph, and Sian and probably 59 other white girl names I can't remember. Then we meet Jennifer. Remember this name sweaties, don't say I didn't warn you.

Jennifer: Jennifer lets Matty know being "dipped" is on her bucket list. It sounds like Jennifer didn't watch last year's Bachelor, when Alex and Richie dipped themselves in chocolate and forever became the thumbnails for posts about diarrhea. Turns out Jennifer just meant she wanted to get "dipped" in a dance, and no offense Jen, but I'd recommend you come up with a better bucket list in your time in the house.

Natalie: Natalie makes retching noises in the car when she realises it's Matty, but I honestly couldn't tell for a while if it was out of pure disgust or excitement. Turns out it's the latter – she gleefully admits she's been stalking him for "like six months" and then tells him her hands a "moist". It's hereby known that Natalie will be one of our greater sources of entertainment in the house.

Detective Benson: A woman shows up in a cop car, driving it herself in a glam gown, and huge heels. Strong, independent women don't need any limo drivers! Matty gets worried because he once peed in a bush, meaning he's basically a ~criminal~ so Michelle, aka Detective Benson pretends to arrest him. Foreplay these days.

Belinda: There's an irony of a love coach being on The Bachelor right? We're all thinking it.

Florence: She's Dutch. She brought clogs as a present.

Akoulina: Akoulina sashayed her way in, with multi-coloured ribbons because she's a gymnast. "I wrap myself up, and I present myself as a present to you," she said to Matty in a strange baby voice. KEEP IT. I know Matty's alive because I saw him on The Project before this episode, but also if he's later found murdered in his sleep with ribbons... well, you know who did it.

Lisa: Is a model and enters with the fairytale music behind her, signalling that she'll make it into the top three! But she'll get axed! Because she's nearly the age of the children Matty so desperately wants!

Leah: Vixen music alert. Leah's pretty sure she's got zero competition in the house and also forgot her underwear. She ruined Matty's hair which you could 100% tell he hated every minute of. "Give me another spin," she demanded, as he dutifully span around for her, blinking at the producers in morse code to rescue him, while she threw a bunch of sexual innuendos his way. Leah, the glorious Leah, is 100% our new Keira and I can't wait.

The cocktail party:

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The new addition to the house this year is the "secret garden", a place where Matty can take anyone he wants (maybe even Osher!), to get some alone time that cannot be interrupted (apart from when the producers say things like "can you please just do that kiss again, but this time with more tongue?"). Gone is the white rose, which tbh, good riddance, as I'm sure a lot of the ladies would want Matty in their secret garden instead.

Alix tells the camera that she thinks Matty is incredibly "tough" for coming back to the Bachelor household, and that it's very "brave" of him. Alix, girl, just a reminder that he didn't fight a war, he just got awkwardly dumped in Singapore for a guy with a donkey.

Matty picked Georgie Love 2.0 for the first one-on-one chat, but just before my queen could make an impact, a fire-twirling goddess came bursting through, much to Akoulina's disgust. "She's being all look at me, look at me," Akoulina fumed, which is fair because her entrance was so modest with her gymnastics, colourful ribbons, and presenting herself as a present threat.

As Matty meets the final fire-twirling bachelorette (hereby known as "Tahitian Goddess" Elora), Jennifer is not impressed, but decides to make fun of Georgia 2.0 instead. "Look at Laura just sitting there, WATCHING THEM," Jennifer says, as she stands there watching them.

Leah was also not impressed, commenting, "To come in on night one, with no clothes on, when you're supposed to make a classy entrance?" she said. The producers then zoomed in on Leah's underwear-less outfit, and honestly the juxtaposition... well, someone deserves a pay rise.

Meanwhile Akoulina pulls her ribbons out again, just in case we forgot she's a gymnast. Someone needs to wrap Akoulina in her ribbons and gently roll her down the driveway towards a waiting limo. Tara decided she too, could be a gymnast called Aqua and god, Matty, please keep Tara in this show forever, I AM BEGGING YOU.

DUN DUN, cue the Law and Order theme song, because some PUTRID drama started to BOIL OVER.

It started with a comment, as it tends to. Jennifer overheard Elizabeth say her dress was putrid. Jennifer then burst into loud, drunk tears, and vented to some other ladies. "She called my dress PUTRID," she subtly screamed, not making a scene at all. Our fave girl Tara went and grabbed the literal popcorn to continue watching this mess unfold, and honestly same. Elizabeth then came to clear the air. It turned out she meant her dress was actually putrid. As in, it had "four inches of dirt" covering the bottom of it, and because it was white, it was well... putrid. Jennifer is not having a bar of it, and thinks Elizabeth is the spawn of Satan, put on this earth to insult her, and like, doesn't she know who I am??? "This is SO BENEATH ME," Jennifer screams, while Georgia 2.0 tries to calm everyone down.

Meanwhile, Matty took Lisa to his secret garden.

Sorry, I mean the secret garden. The two had a fascinating conversation about being active and loving sport, while I had a fascinating conversation with myself about whether I had consumed too much pad thai while watching this show. Btw, what's with everyone loving the sports and outdoors on this show? Have they heard of Netflix? Where's the Bachelor for sloths edition so I can apply?

After Matty's exit from the garden, Jennifer swooped in with her putrid dress. As she flirted desperately with Matty, he stared over her shoulder blinking a SOS message to the producers, who pretended they couldn't see him.

In an actual plot-twist, Matty gave Detective Benson the first rose, proud of himself that he had refrained from peeing in the bushes for the duration of the cocktail party.

In all honesty, I'm surprised there were any roses left. I thought Jen may have de-thorned them all, then stabbed the other bachelorettes in the eyes, before claiming victory.

The rose ceremony:

Osher solemenly warned the women that two ladies were leaving the house tonight. They all acted appropriately shocked, like they had no idea it was coming.

"White woman one," Matty calls, and she comes to collect her rose. The pattern repeats. With three roses to go, the producers slip Matty a $50. "Please pick Jen, for ratings," they whisper. Not only did Matty oblige, he also picked her arch-nemesis Elizabeth last, and boy oh boy I can't wait to see what happens next.

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