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Two Ladies Got Kicked To The Curb In Tonight's Episode Of "The Bachelor"

Save James Blunt 2017.

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We kicked things off with the group date. The prize? Matty and James Blunt.

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Yes, really. The scariest part was that they all acted really excited, as though Matty had just said Christina Aguilera was finally releasing a follow-up to her iconic Stripped album instead of doing ads for Oreo. Or maybe that's just me waiting for that.

"Seeing the six of you standing here, reminds me of how far you've come," Osher proudly declared to the ladies, as though he watched their first words, first steps, and first day of school. I mean, this show has kinda dragged on for a while, so all of this is nearly plausible.

The girls were made to stand on six boxes and rank themselves in order of different attributes: Who was the funniest, who was the most positive, who was the most compassionate, etc.. If the ladies were standing on box number six, it meant they were the one that fit the question properly, and thus were given more points.

The cutest moment was when Elora tried to put herself on box number six for every single question asked, including down to earth. With tensions high, Elora tried to drag Laura. "It makes sense Laura getting bumped down the line, she thinks highly of herself!", Elora exclaimed, ignoring the fact she never moved to the boxes with the lower numbers.

Our final two Laura and Tara were kicked out of round one, proving that no smart girl would sacrifice her dignity for a man offering up James Blunt.

Elise and Elora were forced to write declarations of love.

With Flo and Cobie being kicked out in an earlier round, we saw an Elise and Elora final.

The two went off to write what they looked for in a relationship. "It's important that it's a two-way street and that I'm really clear about what I want," Elise said, as she very subtly pulled out some chewing gum in the most ~Extra~ product placement I have ever seen. Get it? Extra, as in the... never mind.

In a rather odd Married At First Sight-style setting, Matty stood at the end of an aisle, while Elise walked up to him to read her vows... I mean her declaration. Ugh whatever. I don't even know what reality I'm watching anymore, to be honest. The other ladies observed from a hidden room, much like the psychologists on Married At First Sight. Fortunately for us, old mate Jonesy didn't come bursting through to try and get "married" for a third time. Praise the Lord for small blessings.

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It turned out Elise's vows were better than Elora's! So she and Matty slow-danced to James Blunt.

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Elora, girl, count your lucky stars.

“It’s kinda crazy to me that hometown visits are just around the corner,” Matty said to Elise, as though he hadn’t been thinking about her dad, Phil, the whole time.

Elise and Matty talked about their feelings a little more before James Blunt popped up to make everything a little more unbearable. As Matty and Elise slow-danced to old mate Blunty, the show did some weird, dramatic echo-chamber with the sound, with Blunt's voice drifting off as though everyone had just gone underwater. Honestly, it made me think of a really dramatic episode of Grey's Anatomy. You know, when a main character dies, and the morose sounds of Snow Patrol or The Fray slowly fade out as the life support machine gets switched off.

Anyway, it turned out this was just to heighten the drama behind Elise and Matty making out hardcore in front of England's biggest one-hit wonder. "I love you, but I hate it," Blunt crooned as Matty and Elise stuck their tongues down each others throats, clearly not listening to the lyrics?!

As Blunt trailed off, he left the piano as fast as he possibly could. “Go on then,” he said, with a slight look of disgust to the two lovebirds in front of him. “Let me know if you kids need anything, some snacks, a condom!"

And before we knew it, our celebrity cameo was gone. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.

Cobie scored some solo time with Matty, and was excited to revisit their last date where a horse flashed his massive dong.

The start of the date showed Matty standing and staring morosely into a body of water, rubbing his hands together in a sad, frantic state to show his confusion! So we were obviously off to a cracking start.

"I will give you a clue to what we're doing today, but you have to do one thing before I give you that clue," Matty told Cobie upon her arrival. "ANYTHING!" she laugh-screamed. "Tell me, whose was bigger: The horse or me?" Matty asked before pulling down his pants to reveal his secret garden.

KIDDING. He just gave her a pink helmet! No, like, an actual pink helmet. That wasn't another code name for a dick, I promise.

Cobie laugh-screamed at her pink helmet as though it was an engagement ring, and the two went off to an obstacle park. As it turned out, Cobie doesn't like heights, but she does like Matty so she laugh-screamed her way through the obstacle course, which kinda looked like the same place where Matty impressed Georgia Love with his trapeze skills.

After they completed the course, the two sat down to talk about, you guessed it, their feelings. Cobie told Matty she's super into him, and her puppy dog-eyes were basically begging him to kiss her. However, things took a turn.

“I see all the amazing qualities in you. To me they stand out so much. The first date we had was so great, and all the ingredients to falling in love with somebody were there for me and I was so excited," Matty told Cobie.

Sounded like a promising speech, right? Well, not quite. Matty then decided to go in for the kill, telling Cobie their match of perfect ingredients didn't end up making the pizza he wanted. It was put in the oven too long! The pineapple got soggy! Turns out he doesn't even like pineapple on his pizza after all that! What a waste of time!

"I'm really going to miss Cobie," Matty said, as he pried her fingers off the obstacle course rope she was clinging onto, and forced her into a waiting car.

Cobie's left shook. "I didn't see it coming, because it was such a great date," she cried. "I really wanted to be the one standing at the end."

Ugh. One minute you're soaring high on an obstacle course, the next you're down on the ground crying about some fuckboi who ripped your heart out and fed it to the magpies.

Osher rocked up to the cocktail party to break the news that Cobie was taken to hospital with dehydration after crying too much and, oh, that the rose ceremony was in FIVE MINUTES.

"This is a late cocktail party," Tara said, which made me wonder how long they had been forced to sit there. Especially after all those rumours of the cocktail parties usually lasting until 3am.

Osher made his dramatic entrance and gathered the ladies to tell them Cobie had been booted. They had barely recovered from their shock before he sent them a final zinger. "That's not all, bitches," he said in a smug voice. "The rose ceremony is going to start in FIVE minutes."

Matty said goodbye to our fake Tahitian goddess.

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One by one, Matty ticked off his top four choices. Elise, Tara, Laura, and Flo in that order.

"Sorry Elora," he said, putting out her torch. "The tribe has spoken."

Matty ended up following a clearly upset Elora out of the rose ceremony to tell her the exact reason why he blew out their flame. Which is what every girl loves to hear after being savagely dumped. Matty felt as though Elora was a free spirit and he didn't want to clip her wings and plant a baby in her womb. Fly, Elora, fly far away!