Missed The Bachelor or have you just given up on watching full episodes and came here to see who got booted?
We kicked things off with the group date. The prize? Matty and James Blunt.
Elise and Elora were forced to write declarations of love.
With Flo and Cobie being kicked out in an earlier round, we saw an Elise and Elora final.
The two went off to write what they looked for in a relationship. "It's important that it's a two-way street and that I'm really clear about what I want," Elise said, as she very subtly pulled out some chewing gum in the most ~Extra~ product placement I have ever seen. Get it? Extra, as in the... never mind.
In a rather odd Married At First Sight-style setting, Matty stood at the end of an aisle, while Elise walked up to him to read her vows... I mean her declaration. Ugh whatever. I don't even know what reality I'm watching anymore, to be honest. The other ladies observed from a hidden room, much like the psychologists on Married At First Sight. Fortunately for us, old mate Jonesy didn't come bursting through to try and get "married" for a third time. Praise the Lord for small blessings.
It turned out Elise's vows were better than Elora's! So she and Matty slow-danced to James Blunt.
Cobie scored some solo time with Matty, and was excited to revisit their last date where a horse flashed his massive dong.
The start of the date showed Matty standing and staring morosely into a body of water, rubbing his hands together in a sad, frantic state to show his confusion! So we were obviously off to a cracking start.
"I will give you a clue to what we're doing today, but you have to do one thing before I give you that clue," Matty told Cobie upon her arrival. "ANYTHING!" she laugh-screamed. "Tell me, whose was bigger: The horse or me?" Matty asked before pulling down his pants to reveal his secret garden.
KIDDING. He just gave her a pink helmet! No, like, an actual pink helmet. That wasn't another code name for a dick, I promise.
Cobie laugh-screamed at her pink helmet as though it was an engagement ring, and the two went off to an obstacle park. As it turned out, Cobie doesn't like heights, but she does like Matty so she laugh-screamed her way through the obstacle course, which kinda looked like the same place where Matty impressed Georgia Love with his trapeze skills.
After they completed the course, the two sat down to talk about, you guessed it, their feelings. Cobie told Matty she's super into him, and her puppy dog-eyes were basically begging him to kiss her. However, things took a turn.
“I see all the amazing qualities in you. To me they stand out so much. The first date we had was so great, and all the ingredients to falling in love with somebody were there for me and I was so excited," Matty told Cobie.
Sounded like a promising speech, right? Well, not quite. Matty then decided to go in for the kill, telling Cobie their match of perfect ingredients didn't end up making the pizza he wanted. It was put in the oven too long! The pineapple got soggy! Turns out he doesn't even like pineapple on his pizza after all that! What a waste of time!
"I'm really going to miss Cobie," Matty said, as he pried her fingers off the obstacle course rope she was clinging onto, and forced her into a waiting car.
Cobie's left shook. "I didn't see it coming, because it was such a great date," she cried. "I really wanted to be the one standing at the end."
Ugh. One minute you're soaring high on an obstacle course, the next you're down on the ground crying about some fuckboi who ripped your heart out and fed it to the magpies.
Osher rocked up to the cocktail party to break the news that Cobie was taken to hospital with dehydration after crying too much and, oh, that the rose ceremony was in FIVE MINUTES.
"This is a late cocktail party," Tara said, which made me wonder how long they had been forced to sit there. Especially after all those rumours of the cocktail parties usually lasting until 3am.
Osher made his dramatic entrance and gathered the ladies to tell them Cobie had been booted. They had barely recovered from their shock before he sent them a final zinger. "That's not all, bitches," he said in a smug voice. "The rose ceremony is going to start in FIVE minutes."