Sophie Kicked Out Another Two Guys In Tonight's Very Dramatic Episode Of "The Bachelorette"

Show 'em who's boss, Soph.

Missed The Bachelorette tonight or, like me, stared blankly at your TV screen pondering the meaning of life until the rose ceremony?

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Well, look, I have a vague idea what happened. So let's do this.

Osher popped up with a date card he'd been keeping warm in his jocks. And all I could do was morosely think about how it'd probably be given to Uncle Sam.

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ICYMI, Uncle Sam still holds the promise of the Double Delight rose, and is owed one more date.

But thank God, the higher powers, and Osher's hair, because Apollo was the lucky one to be invited on his second single date.

Sophie took Apollo to go play with some puppies. Thanks for stealing my date idea with Apollo, Channel 10!

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At this stage of the episode, I just wanted to climb into Apollo's soft-knitted cardigan and stay there. Perhaps have a little nap, keep warm and cosy, forget about the problems in life. Anyway.

The two then took the puppies to some doggy yoga, aptly named Doga. They couldn't start the moves until the instructor sprayed a "love spray" around them to get them into the zone. Normally I just call that alcohol.

Back at the mansion, Jimmy was doing his best Osher impression, and slowly reading out the names of who was going on the group date.

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As it turned out, it was all the boys minus Apollo, but Jimmy just wanted Blake to piss his pants a little, instead of pissing in Jarrod's pot.

On the single date, Sophie and Apollo kicked back with a fire pit, marshmallows, and champagne.

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"Apollo is everything I look for in a guy," Sophie said. Honestly, same. I can’t help but wonder… if Apollo is the chosen one, when does Sophie go from calling him Apollo (his stage name) to Jake (his real name)? These are the questions that keep me up at night. If you want a full list of the other questions that keep me up at night, DM me.

Sophie's worried about the fact that Apollo is an entertainer, because she's dated many entertainers in the past who have tried to upstage her. Sophie, hon, it's OK – Apollo only graduated high school last year, and he's a magician. He's not going to be out-acting or out-singing you anytime soon. He also probably won't start wearing eyeliner, spike his hair up, and sing whiny songs titled "Dance Floor Anthem".

The date was very sweet, but something about the kiss felt awkward. We like Apollo, don't get me wrong – but these two seem to have a cute BFF-vibe vs. an intense chemistry. Then again, I know nothing about dating or relationships, so my opinion doesn't really matter. Oh, wow, you're still actually reading? Let's move on to the group date then.

The group date involved the men racing their boats to win time with Sophie.

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"My boat is faster!" "Well, my dick is bigger!" Ugh, you know how men are.

The teams were as follows...

Red team: Jarrod, Blake, and Uncle Sam.

Blue team: Stu, AJ (lmao who?), and Jimmy.

Jarrod's face was as red as his shirt as he tried desperately to show Sophie he can sail a boat. If only Jarrod had been the captain of the Titanic.

Meanwhile, Blake used the time to give Sophie a massage. The red team won the first race, probably because guys like Stu are used to other people steering their boats for them. But with Sophie jumping ship (lol, pun fully intended) to join the blue team in the second race, Stu, AJ, and Jimmy's relaxed approach helped them cross the finish line first.

In the end it didn't really matter who won, or who did the most work. Blake won the one-on-one time with Sophie.

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Blake decided to open up his softer side for Sophie, which meant my dirty crush on him progressed to a new level. As the two kicked back, drinking champagne, with the sun setting behind them, Blake let Sophie know he really wanted to kiss her. "You can't say that," she said, in a rather brutal shutdown. Blake tried to save face, saying he didn't kiss Sophie out of "respect" for her. Well, at least he didn't do a Ryan and go in for the pash anyway, before taking a hammer aggressively to a wardrobe. Never forget.

Sophie ended up giving Uncle Sam his second dose of Double Delight.

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Turn down the volume on your TV. Hear that sound? Yep, that's all of Australia groaning.

Sophie was worried that Sam may want to pursue a career on the back of the show. Sam proceeded to then talk about how Sophie should get back into her music, how he has a studio she could use, and how he's written down chords already... so no idea why Sophie thinks he's in it for the wrong reasons, lol!!!!

They arrived to an outdoor area, where a few games were set up. As they played a giant version of Connect 4, and threw mini bean bags into a hole, Sophie decided it was time for the hard-hitting questions.

"If it were someone else on The Bachelorette, would you have still applied?", she asked. "I don't think so," Sam said. Red flag alert! Do not pass go, do not collect $200!

Sam then proceeded to talk about how in his past relationships he's picked girls he wanted to "fix". Excuse me, I have to go projectile vomit into my toilet.

OK, I'm back. Sam literally thinks he has a "magic dust" that can fix any broken girl. "Anyone I'm with, they're lucky," he told the camera in his one-on-one. "The other guys... there are a lot of top guns, but I've got the biggest gun."

# Turn down the volume on your TV again. Hear that? Yep, that's the sound of every vagina in Australia clenching shut and locking itself.

At the cocktail party, Jarrod was red-faced with happiness because he's sprouted a green thing.

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In other words, his plant grew.

"Finally, the circle of love is growing," Jarrod beamed, as I Googled whether you could take out an AVO on someone you don't know. I can't wait for the plant to be next year's Bachelor.

Meanwhile, Jimmy tried to ask Blake if he did fertilise Jarrod's plant after all that, but Blake continued to stay mum. We were treated to Uncle Sam and Blake having their own special one-on-one time, talking about how they hope they're the final two guys in the end. Lmao, now we know one of these suckers is going home tonight.

"I think my chat with Sophie implanted in her mind that I am here for her," Blake earnestly told the camera. No pun intended, hey buddy?

Wow guys, the rose ceremony got weird. Like, really weird.

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First we learned that another two men were getting the boot. When it came down to the final rose, Sophie decided to kick out the men who had already received a rose. "Apollo, Stu, Jarrod, James... please leave the rose ceremony," Sophie said.

"Most definitely, Sophie!", Jarrod said, on high alert as though the headmistress just told him he was in charge of ringing the school bell for the week.

With one rose left, and three men to choose from, Sophie first decided to tell AJ the rose wasn't for him. Ahh yes, at this point in time you might be wondering who AJ is. I'm not entirely sure, so please refer to the above drawing.

Sophie then decided to put Dumb and Dumber (Blake and Sam) on the spot. Sam tried to pretend he cared and failed, with Blake winning out the speech on why he should stay, while waving around his sweaty hands. "I'd take a bullet, and do whatever I have to do," Blake pleaded with Sophie earnestly. I tried this line with my boss earlier in a bid to go home for the rest of the year, but unfortunately it didn't work as well for me.

So we said goodbye to the Double Delight, Uncle Sam.

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"The sadness is about what could've been," he told us. "Sophie meeting the family... Sophie meeting my recording studio... Sophie singing the sick beatz I wrote down earlier."

Boy, bye.

Next week: Blake finally gets a single date.

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Will his changed tactics work for him though? I mean, probably not.