Today, talking about more "taboo" topics has become far more normalized than it's ever been — and good thing, because now we can have more open and honest conversations about them.
One traditionally "taboo" topic that's been coming up a lot more is sex work, and how it can be seen as empowering for some. Specifically, a lot of people have been sharing their experiences as sugar babies, which can be defined as — according to Urban Dictionary — "A young female or male who is financially pampered/cared for by a sugar daddy or sugar mama in exchange for companionship*."
So out of curiosity, we asked the former and current sugar babies of the BuzzFeed Community to share their experiences with us. Without further ado, here are the wild and brutally honest things they told us:
1. "I am a professional sugar baby and have seven different simultaneous sugar daddies right now. I love learning about all different professions (doctor, lawyer, Hollywood director, investment banker, etc.) and trying out new hobbies (golf, sailing, fly fishing, etc.) from my diverse collection of daddies. It opened up my world to so many new experiences, cultures, and ways of life."
—Anonymous
2. "Aside from the sexual stuff that their ex-wives never would perform on them, most sugar daddies think of me as their personal therapist and spend lots of time talking about their lives, problems, dreams, etc., and truly enjoy having someone really listen to what they want to express. They also ask for feedback and advice, too, which makes me feel valued and wise."
—Anonymous
3. "Most of my sugar daddies have really crazy work schedules, which is how they became so financially successful in the first place, so normal methods of dating are too time-consuming."
"They don’t have time to text/call a real girlfriend every single day, so this transactional arrangement lets them contact you as frequently or infrequently as they want to without the girl being offended or neglected. There is a lot of flexibility in this type of dating, and a lot of standard courtship etiquette is not required."
—Anonymous
4. "Transactional arrangements are very straightforward, and all the cards are on the table. There is no beating around the bush or uncertainty. The sugar daddy is guaranteed a goodnight kiss (and probably more), and the sugar baby will get a fancy dinner, vacation, tuition, etc. It’s refreshing how black and white it all becomes."
—Anonymous
5. "Once someone reached out to me asking if I was interested in being his sugar baby. It was my dad."
—Anonymous
6. "A couple college friends and I were a couple weeks into lockdown and bored out of our minds, so we made Seeking Arrangements accounts just to see what would happen. Lockdown felt like a safety net that gave us an excuse to not meet up with anyone. I spoke to some genuinely lovely men who really were just lonely."
"I was sent money to help with expenses and a designer bag. I also spoke to some horrible, twisted men who clearly had an unhealthy relationship with power and sex, who felt entitled to my body and my time. Being a sugar baby could be very rewarding for the right person, but you have to be careful and stand up for yourself. If you're going to meet up with anyone, have a multilayered safety plan in place, and always trust your gut."
—Anonymous
7. "When I was 19, I had a sugar daddy. I was in college and needed to pay loans. This man, who was like 68 or something had reached out to me and I *JOKINGLY* replied. I am now 32, and we are married!"
—Anonymous
8. "It started out seeming like innocent fun and a way to make a quick buck. The shopping and trips were exciting for someone that grew up poor. It made me feel powerful to be sought after and have men willing to pay to be with me...at first."
"By the end, it left me with much lower self-esteem in myself as a person, and unhealthy beliefs about men and relationships. Beliefs like: Sex is transactional, sex is an obligation, men only want you for your looks/youth, women lose value as they age, men will cheat/leave their wives as they age for someone younger, etc. Once you've seen how many men are not attracted to women their own age and are willing to cheat on their wives of decades like it's nothing, it loses all glamorous appeal."
—Anonymous
9. "I'm currently working as a sugar baby to help with college. Some experiences haven't been so good, with the men I work with pushing boundaries and doing things they didn't have permission to do and so on, but some of it isn't so bad."
"I charge by the hour (for my company, no sex), and it's really helped me pay for textbooks and stuff. One of my clients is getting emotionally attached, though. Last time we met, he offered me, in order: an all-expenses paid trip to Vegas (upon realizing I'm too young to gamble legally, he changed the offer to a cruise) and finished off with a house. I didn't accept, because I don't trust him that much, but still."
—Anonymous
10. "I joined a few sugar baby websites last year simply because I wanted to marry a wealthy man, and the sites provided the dating pool where I could find one."
"I want to be a stay-at-home mom, and my city is very expensive, so you pretty much need to be wealthy in order to raise a family on a single income. I went on dozens of dates with men ages 26–50. My takeaways are this: Successful men who are 'self-made' are usually the most interesting and well rounded."
—Anonymous
11. "Any financial benefit was far outweighed by the risks and damage to my emotional self and beliefs about relationships. It's been incredibly hard trying to believe I'm worth more than my looks and body, and as I've gotten older, left me with a fear of aging as a woman. I regret doing it, and wish I'd had older people in my life looking out for my best long-term interests, not just trying to fuck me."
—Anonymous
12. "Most of the sugar daddies I've met are just busy and want the sex/companionship of a relationship without all the responsibilities of being a boyfriend. Many of them actually DO want a wife, but one who admires them and is pleasant and submissive. They often complain about having bad experiences with gold-diggers...go figure!"
—Anonymous
13. "Like regular dating, you go through plenty of first dates before you find a good sugar daddy who matches with you. My rule was that I had to chat with the SD online first and we would have one casual date over a drink with no expectations. I learned quickly that I had to stand up for myself and be blunt about my financial goals. Eventually, I met a guy who I clicked, with and from our very first date, I was crushing hard."
"Due to work, he didn’t have time for a regular relationship, and I certainly didn’t want a boyfriend hanging around. He'd have his driver come pick me up, and we would go for cocktails, then back to his five-star hotel room. On our first date, we had two bottles of Cristal, which cost more than my monthly rent. We dated for more than a year and after several months, and I let him know the gifts and money weren’t necessary — I would have dated him without any of that. Sadly, the relationship came to an end when I moved countries, but we still remain in touch and in lust!"
—Anonymous
14. "There are men who get off on being the powerful figure who have control over you. I've been asked to peg, shit on men's chests, pee on them, do CBT — none of which I've actually done."
"There were a lot of learning moments along the way, but honestly, I prefer this kind of dating because it is very explicit from the first message. It's taught me to be very clear what my boundaries are, as well as what I like and what I am looking for. I've been in a relationship with my current SD for the past two years, and it's such a fulfilling connection. I really cannot imagine dating without getting paid at this point. Get me to leave my house and take a chance on a man without even getting compensated for my time? LOL, absolutely not."
15. "I looked into doing it a few months ago and found that a lot of the men were actually pretty young. I know the stigma is that sugar daddies are only old rich men, but I was approached by quite a few younger guys, and honestly, they were all BY FAR nicer, more honest, upfront, and chivalrous than any man I’ve met on a regular dating app."
16. "I had a thing with a guy in his late 50s when I was in my early 30s. It lasted a few years. He paid for everything. Fancy dinners, luxury hotels, designer clothes...I honestly had a blast, as well as the absolute best sex of my life."
"He liked it if I looked a certain way; he liked me in good lingerie, a full face of makeup, heels, and a classic black dress, none of which I had in my wardrobe at that time. I was a stressed-out mom of two with a husband who was providing more than enough money, but none of the other stuff — he knew about my SD arrangement, and was fine with it. I loved having a reason to dress up, and believe me, when I did dress up for him, the power trip was amazing. He was absolute putty in my hands. Don’t assume the men always have all the power in these relationships. If you go into it knowing what to expect and what the boundaries are, you can make them work extremely well for you."
17. And lastly, "My favorite sugar daddy I ever had never asked for more than companionship and my cooking skills! He was a sweetheart, and we had a standing regular Wednesday evening date for a two-hour block. He would ask me on Monday what I was making for dinner, and he would have all the ingredients ready for me, as well as a fun new kitchen gadget."
"We would chat about his work week and advice we both needed while I cooked dinner for him. We would eat, and he would help me wash the dishes at the end. Then, he would hug me and hand me my envelope of $800 cash and tell me he’d see me the next week. He was a total gentleman, and just missed out having a mother figure in his life growing up. He wanted the traditional woman in the kitchen and a home-cooked meal experience, and that was it from me. I loved being able to have a positive impact on his life. I have had many successful relationships since him that have been mutually beneficial, but I will always remember his generosity and sweet, simple needs of nurturing that I was able to fulfill for him. It's not always about being an arm charm for an older guy."
—Anonymous